The mornings have grown so cool. This morning's walk was downright cold. Lonely, I passed by the convenience store and walked in. My favorite clerk was just preparing to get off his shift. "Crazy night," he told me. "The drunks were out in force." I chuckled as I listened to him tell the story of one drunk man who brought a case of beer to the counter, but didn't have any money. "The guy thought I would give it to him," the clerk said. "I shooed him off and put the beer back up."
I left the convenience store and walked through downtown. To my right was Tawanna's Art and Frame Shop. The very same shop I would have taken art lessons if my father would have helped me with them. I stood and looked in the window and saw a painting by Tawanna of a Chattahoochee Valley locomotive. I set a goal to be able to buy that painting after starting work.
To my left was that beautiful fountain gurgling relentlessly this cold morning. It almost seemed as if the water would freeze it being so cold. I walked over, took a seat, and smoked a cigarette. The morning's first cars and trucks busily moved around the square. I wondered if they were headed to early Sunday school. The water serenaded me as I sat there.
As I walked home, I thought about life and it's meaning. One callous commenter wrote on my blog that life's a bitch and then you die. I want to think life is far kinder than that. Such quotes are for the defeated and misled. If life truly is a bitch then I don't want to live it. My life has already been hard enough. Homelessness. Drunken debauchery. Schizophrenia. I've had my fair share of troubles. I'm ready to take a ride down easy street.
I have also been thinking earnestly about starting work. It is such a scary proposition. I tackle most things with aplomb the first few weeks, but will soon grow tired of going. I pray I won't do that if I get a job. It almost makes me afraid to even try. I also worry about having another anxiety attack at work. That would be terribly terrifying. I have had far less attacks when not drinking, though.
Mom and me had a wonderful night out to eat. We both agreed it went by too fast. We wanted to savor the moment. Mom got the baked catfish fillets and I got the baby ribeye steak cooked medium. It was truly delicious. This restaurant is in the middle of nowhere, but didn't lack in patrons. The restaurant soon filled up after mom and me arrived.
Well, let me get ready for a 10 AM A.A. meeting. I need a meeting badly having some money in my pocket. I had drinking dreams last night and woke up craving alcohol. This alcoholism is truly relentless and will probably be the death of me yet. I don't know if I can struggle and resist the urge to drink much longer.