Saturday, October 20, 2007

Bodily Deformity

My body feels deformed from all the fear and anxiety from the past few days. Sat down at the shopping center this morning after a long and very cool walk. Rosa and me never got Clara down to the Rescue Mission yesterday and she was sitting down there drinking her beer and looking casual. If a homeless person can look such a way. We talked about what it was going to be like.

"I've done some reading," I told her. "On Rescue Missions and such."

"What do you think?" Clara asked.

"It is not going to be easy," I told her. "You are going to have to give up your way of life to live theirs."

"Don't tell me that!" Clara scoffed. "I won't go."

"I just don't want to bullshit you and make you think it is going to be a walk in the park."

"I don't know any other way," Clara said looking worried.

"I think it will be good for you -- to live a life where you have to go to A.A. and help others."

"I am still going to try it," Clara said, determined.

"Good," I said and gave her a hug of support.

I am going to be sad to see her go. I know that is selfish of me, but she so reminds me of myself and how I was when I was homeless. Her determination. Her drinking. It is all uncannily alike me when I was without a home.

Yesterday afternoon was spent trying to stay busy. I walked for two hours until my legs grew so sore I couldn't walk any longer. I walked through the quaint little mill villages surrounding the elementary school. It was comforting to see all the children out and playing and made me feel not so lonely. I struggled with making eye contact though with the young black men listlessly walking around those neighborhoods.

The evening ended with A.A. Our local A.A. group is really struggling with keeping a membership.

"I sometimes wonder why I come up here and open this meeting hall and make coffee," an old timer said. "It is sometimes just me and Mrs. Mary sitting here."

I spoke up.

"I've had a hell of a time lately and I knew I had a safe place to go tonight," I said. "It was so comforting to drive up and see the meeting hall's lights on and people sitting inside. You are helping alcoholics like me stay sober by going through that effort."

The chairperson thanked me for speaking and told me to keep coming back. I told him thanks for being there.

The day ended with my father giving me my medications. I was so overjoyed to see him. I gave him a big hug and welcomed him into my house. Annabel's words to appreciate what my father does echoed throughout my mind as I welcomed him in.

"You had to go to a funeral today and make a speech, see about your business, and yet you still come and make sure I am taking my medications and to see I am okay. Thank you."

"I love you," My father said. "I just want you okay. I know you get lonely stuck in this house all day. Just think. Just be glad you are not in prison for drinking and driving, and have a safe place to come to."

"Yes," I said. "I appreciate it today. I just hope I will appreciate it tomorrow. My memory is not too great."

I had a broken sleep last night despite being so tired. My father's words echoed throughout my head about him telling me to appreciate what I have. I can be so impetuous and always thinking the grass is greener on the other side. I finally went to sleep comforted and calm and I hope today follows suit.


WhistlinGypsy said...

good morning andrew! been thinking- you love your maggie-dog, why don't you try volunteering at the local spca or shelter? the dogs need walked and played with- that would satisfy your need for movement- and not having to deal with people much might balance the need for activity vs social anxiety. and you would be doing a great service (with payment of unconditional dog-love). it might even turn into a paying job one day as a pet sitter or walker-

Andrew said...


That sounds like a great idea and will look into it the first of next week if I can overcome my fears of meeting strange people. I would really like to try that at our local animal shelter.


Andrew said...


I am just afraid I will want to take them all home with me!!!!!! LOL

Skotasma said...

Hey Andrew,
yes, you will want to.
I take care of cats every now and then and want to keep them ALL.
But I'm allergic to cats and really like to stay out longer than you should with cats starving at home. And pretend to be starving all day long ;)
Otherwise I would end like my mum - two cats and a dog of her own. Just brought a cat to her final owners and getting the next pair of kittens next weekend.
It's hard to let them go, but it's worth it. Besides we always get emails with picture of them growing up.

Sorry, I'm a freak about pets (and animals altogether).

Another great post of yours btw.

Sharyna said...

I am schizophrenic and volunteered at the local animal shelter. I got so attached to different animals that I cried when they were adopted! It turned out to be a bad experience for me. Watch what you finally do. Do you have a food bank in your town? We do in a town of 2000. That sounds like a nice volunteer job.


abbagirl74 said...

Good morning sweetheart! I missed you terribly while I was in NYC. I just got caught up on the posts, you know you are the first one I come to. Looks like you had a tough week. It's going to be okay, booger. It seems as though every one and their mother has an opinion about how you should live your life. Well, it wouldn't be an awesome blog if they didn't. Even though a few will get pissy about what you write about, they keep coming back. Perhaps not commenting as much, but they keep coming back.

Hang in there. Continue to live YOUR life. I am always here to support you. I just want you to be safe and happy. Keep your chin up, booger. Love ya!

Andrew said...


I was worried about that. I have such a soft heart for animals. Hopefully, I can volunteer and make a difference. I am dead set on doing that now with whistlinggypsy's comment.


Welcome home! I have missed you so much and hope to hear about your trip ASAP. Get some rest then catch us up on what has been going on.


justLacey said...

I think volunteering at the animal shelter is a great idea too. There is a website on the internet that matches volunteers with places looking for them. I'm not sure if there would be anything in your town, but you could look.
There are also animal rescues that need people to foster animals. That might also be an option.

Andrew said...


Thank you. I will look into that online although I doubt there will be anything, but it can't hurt to look! I will look into fostering as well.

Portia said...

I enjoyed reading this post, it has such a nice flow. I hope it's a good weekend:)


Progger said...

I love pandas and a skitzo panda is the coolest panda that there is!!

Kelly Jene said...

You sound like you're getting your positive flow back. Thats good. Helping animals is wonderful, and I think it would be good for you.

Take care and have a great weekend!

Wander said...

Andrew, I've been reading your blog for a couple of months now through my feed reader. I have to say that I really do enjoy reading everyone of your posts, even the one's that you might think are boring and mundane. It's the fact that you write from the heart that keeps me coming back. Many of your posts have touched my heart because I can relate to what you are going through having dealt for years with a paranoid-schizophrenic ex mother-in-law and ex sister-in-law.
Anyway, I thought it was time to delurk and let you know that you have another reader that enjoys your writing.

Andrew said...

Kelly Jene,

I think I am. I am certainly feeling better. You have a great weekend too, and thank you for reading and commenting.


Thanks so much for the kind words. It is comments like yours that keep me writing everyday. I appreciate it very much. Take care of yourself and don't be a stranger!


Cheryl said...

Great post Andrew, and great reader comments. I'm glad you and your dad reconnected. You two seem to go through cycles, but in the end, your love shows through.

C. R. Morris said...

This post made me smile. I hope that Clara has a safe place for a good Thanksgiving meal this year. I'm so glad you and your dad are getting on better. Sometimes it just takes a stepping stone to create a beautiful bridge! Have a wonderful rest of the weekend! And we all have to be reminded daily of our blessings..sometimes we just forget, we don't think and the grass does look greener.


THis was just beautiful!
So Clara reminds you of yourself, huh? Well, than that must mean that Clara will have success with this new venture, as you have similar parallels with both respect people, you both are full of comforting will do well too.

So this drinking and driving thing, was your dad going to a funeral for a dui accident? Did I miss something?

if we're always looking at the lusher -dreamful- green, we can never see how much our own turf has grown with constant love and care underneath the beat of our heart. There is nothing wrong with the dreamside, so long as it doesn't rule our turfside. :)

Brandi Perry said...

Thanks for sharing your stories and helping keep the written word alive. I wish you the best of luck.