Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Band of Brothers

I am suffering under a serious case of writer's block lately. The words just aren't coming easily. I guess I could just write about what's been going on. I am hoping my camera will insert some new vigor and life into this blog.

My father had a pharmacy meeting in Auburn last night. This meant mom brought my medications. I still insist I only need to take my anti-psychotic for my schizophrenia and not the two anti-depressants, the anti-obsessive compulsive medication, and the medication for mood swings. Luckily, my mother is not Nazi-like about me taking them so I slipped them into my pocket feigning I took them. I slept better last night than I have in months without all those strange chemicals coursing through the ventricles of my brain all night. I strongly feel I am over medicated and it effects my creativity and ability to enjoy life and write. The amount of peer pressure my family will exert over me about taking all these medications is extremely overbearing and oppressive. If I quit taking them then they will quit talking to me as if these medications were some kind of panacea. My family is committing an extreme disservice upon me.

Rosa slept in this morning. I got up at 5 a.m. and went for my morning walk. The stars in the sky were just beautiful so early with the big dipper high overhead. I realized I was looking at a sky similar to my ancestors millions of years ago. The stars almost seemed timeless and ageless. My neck started to hurt I spent so much time looking up this morning at all those twinkling little jewels. I was like a child filled with wonder.

Fall is on the way. We are supposed to only have highs in the seventies by this weekend, but it will be short lived. I have been doing some brainstorming on getting Clara a home before the cold weather starts. She has made some strides herself with contacting a women's shelter in Columbus, Georgia. Her biggest obstacle is that they will not allow you to drink while in their program. It will also place her in an unfamiliar city without her friends and familiar haunts as a comfort.

Swung by Merl's Diner for breakfast and got a to-go box for Rosa. I sat drinking my coffee over a ham and cheese omelet as the railroad workers laughed and talked boisterously over their breakfasts. I could hear their forks scraping across their plates and their rhythmic chewing to the songs over the radio. Uncouth and unruly are good words to describe their good hearted jibes at each other -- like a band of brothers. I wondered where the rails would take them today. I wanted to join them.

I realized this morning that I basically all alone for much of the time. Yes, I have Rosa to talk to and my family, but I can only tell them so much. I come to this blog to write more often than not fearing I would alarm those in my day to day life. It is a delicate dance, though, for fears if I reveal too much about my mental illness, I will run off my readership and sometimes I want to just pour my heart out on your proverbial sleeves. Some of you have grown to mean so much to me -- like an extended family. And just like my real family, I have to be careful what I will write and reveal.

Another long day of waiting on my camera is ahead of me. I realize I really have no life when the focal point of my being is getting a little device that captures life in digital images. I have thought of packing myself and Rosa into the car and going on a little day trip -- to the lake for a picnic, fishing, or up to Roanoke to the "meat house" as my great aunt calls it to buy some of that wonderful hoop cheese and handmade sausage. We will just have to see how the day progresses.

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