Saturday, October 20, 2007

An Adoption Looms?

Rosa is having a helluva time with her daughter. I don't offer advice preferring to stay out of it. As you know, I am terrible with familial relationships. Rosa's daughter is now wanting Rosa to take custody of her granddaughter. Momma Mia! Needless to say, I haven't seen much of Rosa lately and I miss her, but try to be supportive despite my own disgruntled misgivings about never seeing her.

I continue to walk just to pass the time. I set out through my neighborhood to a beautiful fall day. The winds were calm and cool and the sun shone down brilliantly. As I passed one house not far from my home, an elderly black man waved and asked me how I was doing.

"Fine. Thank you. And you?" was my reply.

"Oh, my arthritis doesn't allow me to get out like I want to."

"I hope what ails you goes away," I said kindly as I kept walking.

What I really wanted to do was to take a seat on his porch and talk to him. I am suffering from a terrible loneliness, and you would think a person suffering from social anxiety would shy away from contact. I wanted to hear all about his arthritis and how his family was doing. I have never been this thirsty for human contact always preferring to be a loner. I don't know what has gotten into me.

I walked by the A.A. meeting hall and sat down outside. No meeting today. I will have to make do with an online meeting. I lit a cigarette as I sat and thought of all the generous and caring people that have wandered through those rooms, greeting each other, and telling each other to keep coming back. I longed so heartfelt for a meeting. I am so terribly lonely it is painful.

Left the A.A. meeting hall to wander through downtown. Saw Dexter determined to get a free meal at the cafe. I smiled.

"Five bucks?" he asked as I walked by.

"Dexter, my pockets are bare," I replied pulling one empty pocket out to show him.

I would have done anything for ten dollars to sit and eat with him. This being broke is for the birds! I left Dexter to continue to plot and to walk on home. As I walked through the mill village, children laughed and played so carelessly as if they didn't have a care in the world. I longed to be a child again with my stalwart father watching over me and my doting mother worried about what I was going to wear or how I would spend my day. I thought I would never say that about my childhood -- the wanting to go back. The children all seemed so happy and that is not something I have been in a very long time.


mapiprincesa! said...

I miss my childhood, too. Everything seemed simpler, perhaps as reflected through the innocent minds not yet having been trained/poisoned to be so damned realistic. So funny you said that today; the same thought has come up so often in my own mind lately.

Be well. I wish you peace.

Andrew said...


Thank you. I wish you peace as well. Take care of yourself and I hope you get little visages of your childhood to enjoy! :-)

Jonathon Andrew

Cheryl said...

I bet that old man would have loved your company on his porch. Next time you walk by, say hi and start a conversation. You never could be the start of a new friendship. If I didn't have this computer I'd be so lonely.

Tee said...

I agree with Cheryl, next time stop and talk to the gentleman. I bet he would enjoy your company and that could be the beginning of a new friendship.

Rich said...

It's that terrible loneliness that keeps trying to suck us back into the disease of alcoholism. You have to fight it every step of the way. Best thing is NOT to isolate.

Hang in there

darkwater said...

Just hang in there, I hope you do as the other people who commented said. Next time talk to the old man, I'm sure he'll appreciate it too.

Maybe you can volunteer at a hospital or nursing home as a visitor?


ahhh childhood..the glance of pure innocence.