Rosa is having a helluva time with her daughter. I don't offer advice preferring to stay out of it. As you know, I am terrible with familial relationships. Rosa's daughter is now wanting Rosa to take custody of her granddaughter. Momma Mia! Needless to say, I haven't seen much of Rosa lately and I miss her, but try to be supportive despite my own disgruntled misgivings about never seeing her.
I continue to walk just to pass the time. I set out through my neighborhood to a beautiful fall day. The winds were calm and cool and the sun shone down brilliantly. As I passed one house not far from my home, an elderly black man waved and asked me how I was doing.
"Fine. Thank you. And you?" was my reply.
"Oh, my arthritis doesn't allow me to get out like I want to."
"I hope what ails you goes away," I said kindly as I kept walking.
What I really wanted to do was to take a seat on his porch and talk to him. I am suffering from a terrible loneliness, and you would think a person suffering from social anxiety would shy away from contact. I wanted to hear all about his arthritis and how his family was doing. I have never been this thirsty for human contact always preferring to be a loner. I don't know what has gotten into me.
I walked by the A.A. meeting hall and sat down outside. No meeting today. I will have to make do with an online meeting. I lit a cigarette as I sat and thought of all the generous and caring people that have wandered through those rooms, greeting each other, and telling each other to keep coming back. I longed so heartfelt for a meeting. I am so terribly lonely it is painful.
Left the A.A. meeting hall to wander through downtown. Saw Dexter determined to get a free meal at the cafe. I smiled.
"Five bucks?" he asked as I walked by.
"Dexter, my pockets are bare," I replied pulling one empty pocket out to show him.
I would have done anything for ten dollars to sit and eat with him. This being broke is for the birds! I left Dexter to continue to plot and to walk on home. As I walked through the mill village, children laughed and played so carelessly as if they didn't have a care in the world. I longed to be a child again with my stalwart father watching over me and my doting mother worried about what I was going to wear or how I would spend my day. I thought I would never say that about my childhood -- the wanting to go back. The children all seemed so happy and that is not something I have been in a very long time.