Thursday, September 20, 2007

Two Peas in a Pod

When it rains, it pours. Not only am I having panic attacks, but Rosa had an anxiety attack as well last night.  She woke up and couldn't breathe.

"I was having a dream I was still using and homeless," she told me, flustered. "I was scrambling to get more cocaine."

"Calm down, darlin'," I said as I held her. "It is going to be okay."

I got up and fixed her a Coca-cola and got a cool, damp washcloth for her forehead.  I wonder if there is such a thing as post traumatic stress syndrome for those of us that were addicts, formerly homeless, and in recovery.

"You sure you don't want to go to the emergency room?" I asked her, worried.

"No, just let me lie here and be with you.  I will be okay in a minute."

It is so hard to see the one you love hurt. You want to reach out and soothe them -- to take away what ails them. I know from my own experience with anxiety attacks that there is no worse feeling.  You feel like you are having a heart attack and feel so out of control.  I actually hallucinate when having them.

"Me and you are something else," Rosa said as she smiled weakly and started to feel better, catching her breath.

"We certainly make life interesting, don't we?" I replied, smiling back and holding her firmly.

Soon, Rosa was back asleep and I got up to let Maggie out and to start my writing for the day.  I had to also fill out some paperwork for social security about my prescription drug benefits.  I had trouble figuring out how to declare the income from what I make on this blog.  I don't consider it working and the amount I make is haphazard.  I finally just came up with the average that I make $200 dollars a month in revenue.  I am sure I will get a call from them in a few weeks about it. They are like the gestapo of the Nazi war years about benefits. I was talking to dad about my benefits just last night as he brought me all this paperwork to fill out.

"Dad, a seriously mentally ill person would never be able to keep up with all this paperwork and fill it out," I told him.

"That is why so many mentally ill people end up on the streets or in jail," my father said. "They don't have someone to help them with it."

"It is sad, really," I replied.

"Just thank your lucky stars you are able to keep up with all the paperwork."

I sighed and told dad goodnight. It just doesn't feel fair. So many mentally ill people are more deserving of it than me.     


Cheryl said...

I'm so glad you're not alone. Check your mail, OK?

sharon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.

From your writing, you must be a person with a good hear, I remember you wanted to take home that homeless old woman once. I have to go back to your archive to re-read that.(LOL) Good for you, i have three blogs and four dollars in three months....All the best and I hope Rosa is better.

Josie Two Shoes said...

What a blessing and a comfort you and Rosa are to each other! I was totally agree with you and your dad about the social security nightmare, our country is shameful in it's care of the sick and poor. Then I got to that last sentence... Andrew!! You are every bit deserving of the assistance you need to stay healthy, function, and lead a good life. You are the kind of person I like to see my tax dollars helping out, someone who is doing all they can to make the best of a very difficult lot in life. The real question is, what did WE do to deserve finding someone as special as you in the blogsphere?! :-)

Glenda J said...

Tell Rosa that her panic attacks might be from "the change" (menopause)--I have also experianced panic attacks and have not had the challenges that you both have gone through but I am going through menopause. Wish you all the best as always.


I struggle with all that shit-the paper work and I get so frustrated that today at quarter of 9am found me yelling at our ins company over a denied bill..I wish more people could assist people that struggle with their life managing skills due to illness so that they wouldn't end up on the street.

Anxiety attacks..poor Rosa..I hope she's feeling better today!!
You both are each others heros for one another..that's for sure!!

Barb said...

To add fuel to the fire, that disability benefit stops when the recipient turns 63. So what happens to the disabled after they are too sick to work, too old, and totally flat broke? That is a fear of mine everyday! Diseases of the body/mind dont get better with age!! Ask that question, and let me know, please?


Anonymous Boxer said...

No, everyone deserves the best care available. EVERYONE. Don't feel guilty. You can do more good for those that aren't able to be helped right now, by staying sober and with Rosa.

I think you're destined to do more than you realize right now.

SOUL: said...

andrew... if you're on social security... that is YOUR own money that your getting every month. you worked, you paid social security tax... now you're disabled..and voila! your money... no guilt required.
i am on social security, and i don't feel a bit guilty. that's my money. it isn't welfare. i worked and paid taxes for many years.
same goes for you..rosa... your folks.... nope. no guilt . not for me.. not for you.. not for anybody.

now, when a totally healthy person wants to sit back and collect the cash from the tax payers pockets so they don't have to go to work because they don't WANT to.. well that is totally different. that's when guilt should come in.. and that's when people should be angry.
but not disability. no way.

just my thoughts on that topic

oh by the way...
i got a fishy....
go see.
tell rosa hello, and i hope you are both havin a great day!

Nikita1 said...

hi Andrew, i was the first to post this morning and my commments didn't want to go through....wonder why..i tried twice, anyway...hope these goes through...nice to have a caring my post late last night about a Dad....Dad's are special...and glad you could be there for Rosa to show your love...well done!

KYRIE said...

Hey Andrew.
Wht are u up to today :)
I hate paper work too (:

Poor Rosa. Too many repressed memories. The past can be pretty haunting. Help her to forget it, leave it behind, let it be.

Does tht make sense I hope. Since I have been on a insomniac warpath, could not sleep for days, so my head is being a way bit uncooperative :)
Take care.

Rich said...

Drunk dreams are very common. The pent up emotions manifest themselves while you sleep and appear as panic attacks.

Tee said...

You and Rosa are so blessed to have each other. As for the Social Security, it's CRIMINAL what you and other's, including the old have to go through to get the benefits. My mother receives assistance for her Part D and every time I talk to Social Security I TELL them it's criminal what the old people and, in your case, mentally ill have to tolerate at the hand of the government. I don't know what my Mom would do if I weren't fighting for her--she's hearing impaired and legally blind. I'm constantly having to monitor her bank account to keep it "under the limit" to receive the help she so desperatly needs.

Lynette said...

Other people may be more needy than you, they are not more deserving. You ae fighting the battle daily and just happen to have people fighting with you. You deserve what you get, I want to believe that in the future you will be able to do this without the SSI.