Monday, September 17, 2007

Sun on the Horizon

I poured the rest of the beer down the drain. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I had twenty left to pour out. I got on the phone and called Phillip. Our local Patriarch for our AA meetings.

"Phillip, I drank four beers this afternoon," I told him. "Can I still come to AA?"

"Where is the rest of the beer?" he asked.

"I poured it out," I replied.

"Get to a meeting tonight when you sober up. Come even if you are still drunk. Do you need a ride?"

I was no where near drunk -- just mellow and calm. This, I assured him.

"I can walk," I replied. "And will see you at the meeting."

We talked longer of how cunning and baffling alcohol can be. I told him it all started with me seeing Ferret this morning and my desire to be a homeless alcoholic.

"You can find a new way of living in these rooms if you just keep trying," Phillip told me before I got off the phone. It was so reassuring to hear him say that on the other end.

I feel so tired and wasted. It has been a tough few days with my mental illness and I have been thinking irrationally. Throw in my addiction and it can be doubly hard. Thank you to those of you that understand and commented. I do appreciate it very much.


justLacey said...

See you can do it! Pipe was right in the fact that you just pick up from here and move on. I don't think however, you should make that a way of life. Everyone screws up. It's punishing ourselves that makes it hard to get back on the right path. Keep on trying, that's all you can do. Have faith in yourself, we have faith in you.

KYRIE said...

I am glad and proud of you, Andrew.
Happy for u my friend :)

Josie Two Shoes said...

I am so glad that I just got here and am reading these posts in reverse. Once again, you have shown the strength and courage to stop yourself before you lose total control. That tells me that you really don't want to be the homeless drunk in Nashville, Andrew. I am proud of you for pouring out the beer, and reaching out for a little help. That's what we do when we can't find enough strength to make it on our own. That's what we are all here for - each other. I am grateful that you did blog this experience in its entirety. It helps us to understand. I hope you know how much we care. (((Hugs)))

PipeTobacco said...


Grand news! Four beers is a good amount to indulge in if you feel so inclined. Bravo! Now if you go to the AA meeting, you may feel a whole different notion in you.

If in the future, you decide to imbibe again. Again, I am not saying you should, but if you do... buy only a six pack, and you will have the same net effect as you had this time. You exerted self control over the evening, and for that you can be damn proud!!!!

Good going sir!


coastofcalifornia said...

Damn proud indeed...

Your friends out here know that some days it's very hard to be you. You showed courage today. We'll care about you even on those days when the urge to escape overwhelms you.

Be safe, dear Andrew.

Nikita1 said...

Well CAN do KEEP resisting...and keep on believing...we are all behind you... and I love that sat at the depot that will be a good start! Great...that will take your mind off beer...and thoughts to leave us all!
God loves you, Jesus loves you!
Sleep well!

mosiacmind said...

I agree that you really showed you know I really get what you are going through....hang in there. I will be thinking of you and also praying for you. Please take great care of yourself!

Heavenly Jen said...

Thank you!!!!

pai said...

i wish my sister-in-law would have the same attitude, it would make trying to help her easier. instead, she seemingly pisses away our help (which she asks for) when she then does self-destructive things.

never give up, andrew. never.

Anonymous said...

Great decision. Use your Google money for those art lessons you have been comtemplating. You need to stay in touch with Phillip.


"You can find a new way of living in these rooms if you just keep trying," ....
That sentence sounds to me like you've found the right sponser-he didn't push too much, but just enough and in a way thats good for you..
I'm glad it was 4!! That's better than 5 and 20!! :)

Barb said...

You are your worst enemy and your best friend. I am proud of you, and will pray for strength for you, for the next few days. You can stay sober, I believe it in my soul!


SOUL: said...

andrew.. i missed this one too... like josie, i'm readin backwards. i think i do that a lot. i'm sooo proud of you! ya know... you have a great chance of makin it my brotha!!! you are gonna be just fine. you just wait and see.
and i don't know if anyone told you this or not... but chocolate kisses are the secret... beer is loaded with sugar... i ate them by the bags full my first month or two... and still lOST weight. and stayed sober. whatever works right?
i also did 90 in 90... and then some.
good luck man.
c ya round.

Anonymous said...

thanks for this blog