Monday, September 24, 2007

Lunchtime Brew

Sat down in my favorite park at lunchtime eating cheese on wheat crackers and nursing a gigantic bottle of Colt 45. When I walked into the convenience store to buy the beer, I felt as if I was trespassing -- as if they were going to tell my father. Sins and transgressions. It's a very small town I live in. It was all rather disconcerting to feel such a way. I keep telling myself that I am thirty-five years old and buying beer is perfectly legal and acceptable. They did check my identification because I look so young which I found reassuring and comforting in a strange way.

One of our local crack heads was sitting on the convenience store's wall directly above a no loitering sign when I walked out. The irony made me smile and chuckle.

"Got a buck?" He asked, watching me with yellow tinged eyes and scratching the stark white whiskers on his chin. I recognized him from when I worked at Autozone as a manager. He has a talent for rebuilding carburetors which is almost a lost art in this day and age of fuel injection.

"Sorry man," I said as I kept on walking to my favored spot. I wasn't feeling very generous today. My one track mind was too intently focused on escaping to my favorite spot and enjoying my liquid lunch.

It was so comforting to be sitting in my favorite park -- the warm sun shining down on me. The pigeons cooing softly and the noise of squirrels busily gnawing on this year's acorns. The vibrantly green grass stretched out like some carefully manicured carpet. Tall, hundred year old oaks standing guard over me and sheltering me from the wind and sunburn. I watched intently, the cars on the nearby highway, as I drank my beer and listened to a burned compact disc of old Coast to Coast AM radio shows -- that alcohol soothing my frayed and worn nerves. I was in heaven if there is such on thing on this God's earth.

I am missing Rosa today. We talked on the phone for a short while earlier with her reminding me to take my morning dosage of my anti-depressant. I was taking them at night, but they kept me up -- wired like some speed addict. I am not used to us being apart, but we both agreed on having more "alone time" as we were spending all our waking hours together. "Absence makes the heart grown fonder," were Rosa's cliched words. It has also served to lift a great deal of pressure I had felt bearing down on me. The only way to describe the feeling is that it feels like freedom. Something I have sorely missed. The freedom to go camping at night and to stay up late without feeling so guilty all the time.

Rosa is lottery obsessed and was talking about buying some tickets. "What would you do with a couple million bucks?" she asked me.

"I would invest it and live off the interest and would buy me some land, live in a tent, and have a huge garden filled with vegetables. I would like to live like an American Indian. I would be one of those crazy survivalists you read about in gun and ammo magazines."

"What? No new Porsche? No ridiculously grand house?" Rosa asked, astonished.

"That stuff wouldn't make me happy," I replied honestly. "I am not very materialistic."

"You're nuts," Rosa said, chuckling.

I laughed as well, but it was the truth. I am coming to the conclusion that a life that is too easy causes me to become lax and complacent. Lazy. I seem to need some hardships to invigorate me and spur my creativity. I thrive in situations such as wilderness survival, homelessness, and the arduous strife that can be my mental illness un-medicated. Like Atlas bearing the weight of the world, these are my burdens to carry and only then, by carrying them, am I a complete and whole human being.

I threw the advertisements back up a moment ago -- just for a few more days to try and get up the funds to buy a very nice camera. I've already made $1.25 in the hour I put them back up so I am off to a good start. I look forward to sharing my views of the world again upon this blog with videos and pictures.

15 comments:

PipeTobacco said...

Hello Sir:

I am glad you are having a wonderful day! Keep up the good work.

PipeTobacco

Anonymous said...

You are on a very slippery slope....

Anonymous Boxer said...

tread carefully....... I recognize your need to be in control... but none of us are ever truly in control. Let others in and let others help.

Anonymous said...

Very disappointing Andrew. We all know you are better than that. To be honest with you, your dad needs to find out and maybe put you in rehab, where they can heal you to some point and get you out of your destructive frame of mind.

Anonymous said...

Pipetobacco,

I'm wondering if you've ever been called an "enabler" in your life. You seem to only comment when Andrew slips, and then you're happy for him. I suppose you're an alcoholic, too?

justLacey said...

flirting with disaster every day lately. see your dr and have your meds adjusted, it could be the answer or not. self medicating is NOT the answer. drinking in moderation is not the answer either. if you "need" to have a drink then you don't need to be drinking.

Jenn said...

I think it's funny that you talk about not being materialistic then go on to say you want a new digital camera! LOL!

I have a feeling you're going to regret that beer. You always seem to after having slipped up.

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Marilyn said...

I think that Andrew wants the camera as a tool to make his blog better, not as a frivolous thing to acquire.

How do you tell how much money you've made with the ads? I can't figure that out. :-(

Eric said...

Andrew, I see now, why you might be hesitant to speak freely, for fear of being judged by people who don't even know you. I just read some of the posts by folks who don't have the decency to identify themselves. Please overlook what I see as rudeness.

CRUSTYBEEF said...

ignore these people andrew..they're jealous!! I loved this post..
there aren't many that can be so honest!!
Very beautiful post!!
Always,
Crusty~

CRUSTYBEEF said...

p.s. to anon:
Andrew's a Grown man, he doesn't need to "Tell" his dad what he's doing..instead of pointing out the specks in his eyes, why not looking at your own logs.
Always,
Crusty~

Portia said...

you sure draw out some emotions andrew! sure sign of a good writer;)
i can understand those that are happy for you, and i can understand those who are concerned. i personally just plain don't feel it's my place to tell you what to do or how to live.
i do feel it's my place to tell you how much i love your blog. and how much i wish the best for you everyday, because i do.

velveteel said...

I am much like Portia, and do not feel it is my place to tell you how to live your life. But I enjoy reading you and I hope you got home ok.

Kold_Kadavr_flatliner said...

Have I got the solution!!! Alleluia!!! I used to think about suicide 24/7 after my head-injury, but many years later, I realized God had put me here to grow literally and figuratively UP, not DOWN... God led me to write, too, and write summore:

I'd like you to check-out my insane, efficacious, avant-garde, kick-ass trilogy...
and buy one of my novels (you’ll also find my photo on the back cover of REDUNDANT ):

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If we don’t meet here,
I'll see you in God’s Great Beyond, won't I?
God bless you.

theautomann@msn.com
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