Thursday, September 13, 2007

Jostling, They Come

I neglected Rosa yesterday and feel terrible for it. She walked. Watched television. Read her books and looked at magazines. She was waiting for me to finish. I tend to be compulsive and got completely caught up in writing for the whole day--sequestered in this front bedroom with the door shut. I try to tell myself I am "working" even though I see little monetary benefit (I only made $8 dollars on my blog yesterday).

"You don't have to say anything," Rosa told me as I emerged from my writing hermitage.

"Sorry," I said, weary eyed. "I got carried away."

Rosa already had on her sleeping clothes and was curled up on the couch reading a National Geographic.

"I will make it up to you tomorrow," I finally said as I lit up a cigarette--bluish smoke billowing around my face.

Rosa folded the magazine shut and got up.

"I am going to bed. You staying up tonight?"

"Yeah," I replied sheepishly. "I am not tired yet."

I heard the back bedroom door shut with a soft thud and I was alone. I felt so guilty. I hate it when my energies take an inner focus like yesterday. I have little left for others after one of my creative bursts of writing. One of the biggest side effects of my schizophrenia is a poverty of giving or recognizing others in my life. It is such a selfish disease. I get so caught up in my own desires and emotive writing that I forget that others are jostling for my time as well.

It was well after midnight when I opened the bedroom door to find a dark room and the sound of Rosa snoring. I quietly stepped inside flanked by Maggie as I took off my shoes, socks, and put on one of my favorite sleeping t-shirts. I crawled into the bed and lay there for hours as Rosa and Maggie slept. I was sleepless. I love you, I thought. And I am sorry for neglecting you. I never did sleep and finally got up to come in here and start another day of writing.


Ilene said...

When are your art lessons supposed to start?


Try not to overthink it too much, I have a feeling that Rosa would tell you if your actions upset her. She's not afraid to call a spade a spade.
For you to recognize that you didn't spend as much time with her shows me something different than what you said about not having time for others, or recognizing others (and I loved how you wrote poverty of giving-that was beautiful!!) It shows me that your mind did think it, you did feel it. You're not selfish. She respects your space. Guilt comes from our own self and it can eat us up-try not to let it bother you too much. The next time you're wrapped up in something, when you retire for the evening if Rosa's asleep, perhaps you could whisper loving things to her as she lays there sleeping. Bigdogg still does that, and even though I can never remember what he says as obviously I'm out cold. but I wake the next day very content.

Cheryl said...

I think you may be too hard on yourself. Rosa knows you love her. You were nearby all day, and I bet she felt secure just having you there. She seems to be an understanding woman. She's letting you be you.

I've noticed you've been commenting all over the place. I love going places and seeing your name. I love that you're commenting on my blog. Thank you!

I see that my sister commented with her real name this time. Ilene. My buddy.

Off to have my throat looked at. I'll catch up with you later...

Anonymous said...


Nikita1 said...

Hi Andrew...great post...but, you know women still wants to hear it loudly...that their hubbies/partners love them...although we know it, we wanna hear it to her and say it too...:))

¤ Émìlíå ¤ said...

That was so beautiful...

Ganga Dhanesh said...

nice blog

Whitney said...

Did the huricane hit you? did you get any remnants of rain from it? I would have thought that you would write about it.

Joshua said...

Don't believe in lessons in Art.

Portia said...

at least you are aware of it. you and rosa both seem to be very understanding people so i wouldn't worry too much. (well, actually I would, but don't think you should;) but i do agree that she may like to hear what you said here...:)

Jay M. said...


One of the most important things I've come to realize about relationships is that everyone needs some time to themselves from time to time.

Whether it's a just bowling with the guys, spending the day reading, writing, whatever, or just a day spent walking and relaxing on your own, everyone needs a day like that occasionally. It's not something to feel guilty about at all, it's part of a normal, healthy relationship.

If you feel like doing something special for her the next day, I'm sure she wouldn't object :) But don't feel bad about having time for yourself.

Also remember that Rosa will need some time like that as well, and she should know that you encourage her independence, knowing that you are both committed to each other.

Josie Two Shoes said...

What I love, is that you realize you were a bit self-consumed in your writing, Andrew. I used to get like that in my marriage at times too. "Don't bother me, I'm busy." Being aware is the first step. Next time, just take a few smoke breaks on the porch or whatever with her, just to let her know she's not forgotten. And I like what Nikita wrote - don't forget to SAY you love her. Women LOVE to hear that, even when they already know. I think that Rosa does understand your need for downtime in relationships, and you also seem to understand her needs. I think you're doing amazingly well in this relationship!

I also second Cheryl, I love seeing you out and around and commenting on other blogs, including mine. Andrew reaching out is such a healthy thing! It makes me smile, and I hope it makes you happy too!

Tee said...

Just be sure to tell Rosa your love her EVERY DAY! Women have to hear that and we need a hug and kisses. :-) That's the way we're wired.

John Noble said...

Hi Andrew, I've been reading your blog faithfully for a few weeks.

In your post you said you got paid $8 in one day for your blog. How does that work? What determines how much you are paid - in fact, who pays you?