It is a good thing I am broke today. I don't have a dime to my name. I do have a check from Google coming for $269 dollars, though. I have thought often of taking that check and getting a bus ticket to Nashville to live homeless. I would be just another crazy homeless person on the streets living by my wits. Another statistic in the uncaring world our nation has become.
I have also thought of pawning my DVD player and joining Ferret by the river today. He is down there getting drunk as I write this. The weather is perfect. The day is long. I have no job to hinder me. Rosa is at home today with her daughter and grandchild. My only worry would be getting home from the river, but I could always sleep down there on the ground.
This is what they call in AA stinkin' thinkin' -- a desire to sabotage all good gains garnered in life. I just don't feel well and want to feel better. I know if I get drunk then I will blackout and escape life for a few days. I better go hide my car keys from myself. I feel these panic attacks are coming about from my sobriety. "Maybe I need to drink," I tell myself. "Maybe I am just an incorrigible drunk and always will be -- destined to fail."
I tried to tell myself this afternoon...
"I would rather live three year's drunk than live forty more years of the hell I am experiencing. I don't want to live miserable."