Monday, September 17, 2007

Intangible Mangling

It is a good thing I am broke today. I don't have a dime to my name. I do have a check from Google coming for $269 dollars, though. I have thought often of taking that check and getting a bus ticket to Nashville to live homeless. I would be just another crazy homeless person on the streets living by my wits. Another statistic in the uncaring world our nation has become.

I have also thought of pawning my DVD player and joining Ferret by the river today. He is down there getting drunk as I write this. The weather is perfect. The day is long. I have no job to hinder me. Rosa is at home today with her daughter and grandchild. My only worry would be getting home from the river, but I could always sleep down there on the ground.

This is what they call in AA stinkin' thinkin' -- a desire to sabotage all good gains garnered in life. I just don't feel well and want to feel better. I know if I get drunk then I will blackout and escape life for a few days. I better go hide my car keys from myself. I feel these panic attacks are coming about from my sobriety. "Maybe I need to drink," I tell myself. "Maybe I am just an incorrigible drunk and always will be -- destined to fail."

I tried to tell myself this afternoon...

"I would rather live three year's drunk than live forty more years of the hell I am experiencing. I don't want to live miserable."


Barb said...

Amidst your lucid talk, I hear a man struggling with being alone. Find someone to hang out with, to pass this time, until you feel strong and safe with yourself.

Pick up the phone...

Julian's blog said...

Dear Andrew:
Barb's advice was good.
Heh, I didn't realize that people were making that kind of money with Google.
Is that AD revenue from your site?

KYRIE said...

DVD player is dirt cheap now days. You ain't gonna get a dime pawning it :)

I got the blues today too.
Tried reading, but my heart doesn't seem to be in it today. Feelin miserable my friend (:
Sorry, I should not be spreading my gloom to u. Forgive me?

Drunkenness brings it own set of darkness in hell. Try to hv some hot meals, do stuff u enjoy okay.

CarmenSinCity said...

I always feel better when I break out of my isolation and spend some time with another addict, someone that is struggling more than me. Go to a meeting and introduce yourself to a newcomer. Tell them it's going to be okay and give them your number. Be of service.


I do hope you truly don't believe that last quote to be true...
hang tough, you are in my thoughts!!

Anonymous said...

Stay strong Andrew. Life is like a roller coaster with its ups and downs. Soon your life will be travelling up again.