Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Crazy Moon

A full moon greeted me outside my bedroom window as I sat down to write this evening. Framed perfectly in one window pane like some milky white, glorious globe. A crazy moon rising -- shining brilliantly and casting moonshine on the ground marked by long shadows in the dark. I had a girlfriend who once worked in our local emergency room at the hospital. She swore that us mentally interesting people come out of the woodwork on such nights. My father does as well. I would hate to disappoint them and you all by saying I feel mentally well. I have to live up to my moon's namesake. My mind is busy and yet tired at the same time. It has been a busy day that felt like a week's worth of days all rolled into one.

My and Rosa's little spat we were having didn't last long.

"I just can't sleep without you," she told me over the phone tonight.

"I'm coming to pick you up," I replied, missing her deeply.

She gave me a heartwarming embrace as I pulled up in front of her house to bring her "home." I have actually had trouble sleeping without her as well -- the bed feeling empty with it just being me and Maggie. I missed the feel of Rosa's cold feet as they would brush up against mine and her soft snoring as well. That wonderfully warm spot I would occupy when she would roll over to the edge of the bed wrapping herself in my covers.

I then let Rosa read some of my writings today written down at the shopping center when we arrived home.

"Why didn't you come and get me?" She asked, as she lives very close to the shopping center, jealous I had spent time with Clara and George without her.

"I was being self centered. I thought you would disapprove of my drinking beer. I was hiding."

"I don't mind you drinking a beer," she told me. "I do mind you getting shit-faced though."

"Well, we will just see how things go. I didn't get drunk today by any means."

One of the things I most love about Rosa is her nightly routines. Women captivate me in the great efforts they go about to make themselves presentable. Rosa is not much of one to wear makeup, lipstick, or fancy clothes, but she does like to tidy herself every night. Putting on her face cream, taking a long, hot bath, and putting lotion on her hands and feet. She will escape from the shower with one of my towels wrapped tightly around her head and hair, making me smile with amusement. These routines are comforting to me and I have missed them the past few nights. Intimate little shared moments -- the mundane aspects of another's life that often go overlooked by familiarity and routine. I savor them.

I also realized tonight I have shared far too much on this blog -- allowing strangers to glimpse into my world with a candidness that I know made many wince in discomfort. Blogging is addictive. My instinct is to now hide and shy away -- to no longer write of mental illnesses or addictions, having now been saddled with those labels. I catch myself doing it to -- defining myself by my flaws, my glaring defects of character and body. I am more than the sum of my parts, though. I am kind and caring. I have an enduring strength that I don't often show. I have healthy sense of humor that I should allow out of the bag more often. I have bravely kept on ever forward and I am writing a book about it now and that there is nothing to be ashamed of how I ended up. Lives unravel for a myriad of reasons. Some more simple or complex than mine. We all struggle everyday with just making sense out of a crazy world filled untold pressures and responsibilities that are thrust upon us.


Heavenly Jen said...

Please don't hide. I find your life so fascination and real. Makes me not be so quick to judge the people I meet

SimplyTim said...



The mind is very powerful, isn't it? It can pull in directions, can't it?

Was it in Thoreau's favorite book where there is discussion of the chariot and the horses and the driver and the ongoing conversation in the midst of battle?


Josie Two Shoes said...

Indeed you are far more than those labels, Andrew. Thank you for sharing yourself with us. This was a truly good read.

greglo said...

Wow!!!! what a treat to find all these new posts for a morning coffee... congratulation on the controlled drinking!!! Your last texts are beautiful and so interesting... intellectually stimulating and from such a humanistic vein. You're a great guy, a wonderful writer... and well... please, keep going!

You guys, Rosa and the gang and yourself have a great day!

I'm off to start mine.

Best thoughts to you Andrew!


PipeTobacco said...


Bravo on a good day! I am glad you were able to enjoy all your friends.... Rosa of course, but also George and Clara. That, to me, is a sign of a nice, complete day.

I am glad you are also watching carefully about your medications. Getting your every-other week shot is good because it helps you in the long run with your writing.

I am not sure if your worry about "stating too much" here is a result of the anonymous bozos who yammer on trying to denigrate your efforts or if it is because some are telling you what to do.... but either way... I am hoping you choose to continue to write freely and fully about those things that interest you each day.

To me, it seems you have a real calling in your ability to write. People flock to read your thoughts. It is a gift, indeed.

YOU KNOW YOU... do not let others bring you down.

Your friend,


Susan&Wayne said...

Honesty takes courage, and you, Andrew, are very courageous indeed!! I can relate to your feelings of vulnerability, but please remember this. The sharing of your true feelings and the openness you display touches others! We all have our own struggles and "demons". You have nothing to be ashamed of, and I applaud your successes and all of your efforts!!

All the best,



Your description of the moon is really awesome. Thanks for allowing me to glimpse into your world.^^

Le Fleur said...

I feel like hiding at the moment.

Terri said...

Although I find myself getting discouraged to hear you falling off the wagon and your occasional negative comments on religion and God; I love your honesty, it's refreshing. You should write/blog about what affects you...what makes you - You. Don't change anything!

Whitney said...

You should write what you want, what you feel, what you care about. Don't worry about what others are thinking about or commenting on. I read the comments on your entries and at times they can be harsh and judgemental. I read because I am captivated by you, your friends, your style and your life. I don't want you to change a thing. It is your blog. Don't let others influence your choices of subjects to write about.

You are talented! Don't forget that.

Eric said...

A writer is compelled to write, to stop would be like stopping a force of nature. You express what is inside and you do it honestly, no filters, no hiding, no euphemisms. You fear that we only see one aspect of you, but what you reveal and how you reveal it shouts out who you are and shows us far more than if you actually tried to describe yourself.

Barb said...

Have a wonderful, perfect, Andrew kind of day...you are a twinkle in my eye, and for that, I thank you.



I love when you write like this...so honest..I LOVE IT!!

Ha, Rosa's rituals are better than mine... GOOd for her! She's the sweetest lady ever and I'm glad that you guys have overcome the tiff.