Sunday, September 16, 2007

Conscious Contact

My father rushed me to his pharmacy last night to give me some medicine and to take my blood pressure.

"You're blood pressure is perfect, but your heart is just racing," he said. "You're not having a heart attack. Your pulse is strong."

"Dad, give me something to take," I replied, pleading. I felt so terrible.

My father stepped back into his pharmacy to get a pill.

"What is it?" I asked as I swallowed it and drank some Sprite.

"State secret," he said. "You will feel really sleepy in a few minutes and I guarantee you will feel better."

He was right. I don't know what he gave me, but I felt better in thirty minutes. A calm washed over me and I went home to go straight to bed.

This morning I woke up at 2 AM and went for my morning walk. There was a chill in the air bespeaking of fall and I wrapped myself in my favorite fleece pullover. I prayed to God as I walked for him to help me and comfort me.

Dear father, bring this soul some comfort. Help me through these tough times. I know I only come to you in times of need, but I need your help. I am scared and feel out of control. I am not doing well. If you can see it in your heart, please remove these panic attacks and cure me of what ails me. Thank you and I love you.

A soothing calm overcame me and I felt not so alone. I can see why Marx called religion the opiate of the masses. It gives you hope when there is none. I have tried so hard to nestle a spirituality within me -- coming in conscious contact with a God or power greater than me. It is my last, best, and only hope where medications and therapy have failed me. It feels strange talking to myself and God, though. I never was a very religious man, and now I find myself crying out to some power in the sky. My rational side wants to scream, "This is crazy!" The line between crazy and religious zealot is blurred as I don't know if my talking to God is a symptom of my mental illness or a yearning desire to have contact with my maker. It is maddening and is why I always avoided religion once doing well on my medications.


SOUL: said...

mornin an-drew... sorta...

ya know what? if yu don't mind.. i'm gonna answer your question... BUT remember .. i can only do that, by sharing my own experience, strength, and hope...with you.
because we all know.. that spirituality.. is basically a "state of mind" in a way. you can't see it. right? can't touch it. but we know it is there. you experienced it yourself. you FELT the presence of YOUR HP. (whom i believe is the same as mine).
i am sooo happy for you that you were able to feel that. in your soul. don't EVER doubt that. and don't let anybody take that experience away from you! it was real.. it was not your mental illness. i promise you that. i can't tell you how many times... that "conscious contact".... has literally saved my life!

don't confuse religion with spirituality. religion, is a man made teaching... a human point of view.. and there are countless religions... some similar, all different... but almost all of them have and worship the SAME God. the God who brought you the peace you needed so badly . that will continue, if only you follow your heart, and don't doubt what happened.
i love that you had this experience.... it could change your life. andrew...
don't you see it? it's all coming together for you. slowly, but surely...
you will be happy, joyous and free... maybe not all the time... but some of the time. and you will see.. that is just good enough ...

nobody has a perfect life. and those who do.. are liars.
i know you suffer, i know you hurt, i know panic attacks suck, and are unexplainable. but who would ever call on God if we truly lived a perfect life, with no pain, no struggle, no loss?

look at some of your posts from five, six months ago.. vs. this past week. it's gettin better ... it just doesnt feel that great.
change is painful sometimes. and that's ok. because it all comes together... eventually.

take care of yourself ... get a fishin license.. even if it's just a two day license.... go catch a fishy!!!!

you know, i can't resist bit to try... again. i'll get one. the sun will be up soon.

do they have bass anonymous? cuz it's gettin BAD. i'm ready to throw my dirty dishes away and just go buy new ones! :))

ps.. does rosa like to fish? would she fish with ya? soulman and i love to fish together. we're tryin to recruit soulkid... but , well.. it's all about HER ya know. she's 13. :))

Summer said...

Soul has a way of making us feel better doesn't she?

Andrew...I know your life isn't easy, but, I see/read a slow sweet progression towards better days. Don't let a bad day turn you around.

KYRIE said...

Thank goodness about the blood pressure. I was thinking bout u just now, and was gonna suggest tht u get ur pressure checked and maybe go for an ECG perhaps.

Religiously, I can't say anything profound because I hv been struggling with my own faith for some time. Reading the Bible again after so long, but I still find it difficult to start praying properly again.
Sometimes I try to say some words in silence to Lord Jesus in my heart.
I am trying again Andrew, and I hope, I want to, find my way back to church and God.

P.S. Reading Plain Truth used to help me out whn I was in my teens, whn I was struggling with faith thn too. Maybe u might like reading tht mag?
Their online url:

solopoesie said...

Much beautiful yours blog
But I do not know the language

I wanted tradurlo with English but not
it has given no result to me

mine blog and in Italian
and of solopoesie

if the poetries are of your gradimento
and you come to visit would make it me much happy one

I augur YOU one the good Sunday and one happy inzio of week


Joshua said...

You have an iron heart: to much in control of everything, living to much in yourselfness.

God is only a presence when you disapear.

Anonymous said...

Andrew, you are exactly the person that God looks for ... crushed, broken and emptied. You are almost there - discovering Him. Don't stop seeking now. He will reveal Himself to you. He opposes the proud, the rich and the powerful, but He reveals Himself to the broken and hungry. His peace is yours my friend. Peace be with you! gary

Please visit my blog, bro.

ygraine said...

God will bring us to a point of weakness if that's what it takes to bring us to trust in Him.. because we'll never know that God is all we need till God is all we've got. =)

pai said...

Keep it up. Prayer is a conversation between you and God. Just like talking to a person brings you comfort in just getting the thoughts out, the same applies for talking to God about your problems. God rarely literally speaks to people, but through his Holy Spirit, scripture, our actions, intellect and other people he speaks to, guides and comforts us.

Wow - I hope I don't sound all preachy - I just wanted you to know you are OK. You can be logical and sane and all that AND believe in God. :)

pai said...


I think if you looked up a recent article on Mother Teresa's faith you will find great comfort in knowing that a person like her had extreme trials of the soul, and yet she never gave up her faith. I find great comfort in her because often I question whether God exists because I can't feel him. Now I know I am not alone in that feeling, and I can still believe and trust that he is there, caring for me in so many ways that I may not always see or could even think of.

Dreaming Mage said...

Having a heart attack has absolutely nothing to do with the stregth of the pulse. It is a condition whereby the heart itself is not receiving enough blood.

The only way to detect a heart attack is by way of an EKG and blood test.

A pharmacist is not qualified to rule it out. I'm not trying to scare you, just trying to preserve an interesting person for the world as long as possible.


CJM-R said...

I have suffered from panic attacks for a long time. I have learned over the years how to manage them. As simple as this may sound, it does work. When I feel that first pounding of my heart(it comes out of no where and is so strong I can barely think straight) I sit up as straight as I can and take slow deep breaths...about 98% of the time the pounding will subside, as well as, all the other symptoms that accompany an episode.

It took practice,but I found a way to get the panic under control. I just wanted to pass that along to you.

I agree with folks that say you might want to get an EKG and make sure that all is Ok with the physical.

We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.
- Pierre Teilhard De Chardin
God Bless you Andrew.

justLacey said...

"don't confuse religion with spirituality. religion, is a man made teaching... a human point of view.. and there are countless religions... some similar, all different... but almost all of them have and worship the SAME God. the God who brought you the peace you needed so badly . that will continue, if only you follow your heart, and don't doubt what happened."
She gets it and she is right Andrew.

Maya said...

You are such a wonderful person. God put you on this earth to inspire the rest of us.

Maya(Ellie's Friend)

Moonlink said...

There's a very interesting book by Pauline Boss who works with trauma victims. Although she works with a variety of trauma victims,most recently she has been working with 9/11 survivors and families. The result is book is titled "Loss, Trauma, and Resilience- Theraputic Work with Ambiguous Loss.

One of her observatios is that folks who weather the storm, ie. those that build or have resiliency, usually have a strong belief in G-d. She postulates that a strong faith in G-d can be a positive component upon which a shattered life can be rebuilt.

She is correct. Don't be worried about believing in G-d. Grab on to Him and hold on for dear life.

SOUL: said...

AN-DREW my brotha...
i did it.... go see!
i caught YOU a delicious bass!

Josie Two Shoes said...

Soul said it all far better than I ever could have, Andrew, so just leaving a note here to let you know I've been by, and I care!

niCk (Mem Beth) said...

Great Blog. Keep up the writing. You have a gift. I have read about the last week's worth of entries, and your writing is very good.

I'll be back to read more.

Cheryl said...

I am so glad I know you. In case you didn't already know that.

Nikita1 said...

Hi Andrew
I get some daily Bible verses from the Daily Bible
here is the link for the months...go read this.... i won't use plain truth..sorry for the other blogger left the message...i know the mag...
seek the truth and the truth only...God has the truth...Jesus...our saviour!! He loves YOU , me , us...everybody...and He sees your pain...please tell Him everyday how you feel, what you want Him to do for you...but don't forget...He has His own time to act...don't get angry if things don't happen fast enough...and don't listen to the devil, telling you put your trust in God/Jesus only and you will NOT regret it...take care, thinking and pray for you! (this is the calendar link...there is one verse per day...)

kellynbreesmom said...

Calling on God is a way to help the panic attacks. When you call him you have to make sure you are quiet and still enough to feel him.It is a calm feeling I can not describe.just a christian -not a religious fanatic-Denise I will pray for you

Anonymous said...

Listen up brother, leave ALL that God crap to the Neanderthals who never learned how to read, and therefore never learned how to think. You sound intelligent. Go to Barnes&Noble or some other big bookstore and challenge yourself to read then think and keep it up.

Marsha said...

Hi, I found you through blog explosion. You are a wonderful writer. Keep up the good work. I have faith that you will have continued success.

Sean Smith said...

cool....I just book marked you...i like your writing...hang in there


What a powerful night! I'm glad that you had someone carrying you-and the hand of your father, and the hand of your new found faith found you through it.

How scary though to feel that way..I wish there was something I could do to take it away-if just for awhile...

I love your new look again-you seem like me, loving change.

Hang in there, Andrew, enjoy the rest of your sunday and the crisp autumn air!

2sunset said...

Hello Andrew,
I've been reading you for almost a year. I left a comment once or twice, you have a gift Andrew.
This particular blog is really magnificent, as are all the varied comments: Believers, a vehement non-believer, and a prayer that throws out the gift like snot upon a friend (Don't sweat it Denise),
Andrew: check out this blog by a Pastor struggling with the definition of and purveyors of "Faith", you will like it:
Keep on, and bathe in the glory.

Le Fleur said...

I'm very glad to hear that your blood pressure is good and that these are panic attacks and not a heart attack. I've had my share of panic attacks, but I think I've been too tired of late to do anything but read when I feel something coming. Seriously, though, I am glad that you're physically healthy and I'm sure your mind will be soon to follow.

I'm also glad that you are reaching out to God. Please don't doubt that she hears you and she loves you. Also, don't forget that your relationship with God is your own and should not be dictated by the whims of any other human being no matter what authority they claim. Who knows your soul better than you? I'll stop talking before my own bitterness and grudge against most earthly churches gets in here and starts offending people.

Have a wonderful night, Andrew, dream of sweet things.


~Vital~ said...

Andrew, I will say alittle prayer for you tonight and every night. No, God is not a symptom of your mental illness, He is your antadote.

I think all of us are wishing you peace this day and everyday.


Mom's Blog said...

It was through panic attacks that I realized that it was only by the grace of God that I can even get out of bed in the morning!! However, just prayer and trusting in him was not all that I could do. Eventually I realized that it wasn't a lack of faith that kept them coming but I needed help. Through a term of meds and cognitive therapy I am actually able to get off the meds and am more and more able to stop the attack at the very first hint of symptoms. FAith does help but God often works through the professionals .. as I rewire my thinking cycles through the therapy many other aspects of my mental and neurological health are healing also.. I can't recommend it enough. Take care.

joshua said...

Loose yourself in His Arms confidently.

Josie Two Shoes said...

Good Morning Andrew! I hope that last night went better for you, will be glad to see a new post up here so we know that you are doing ok. Just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you. What's your weather like today? Does it feel like fall there?

C. R. Morris said...

Keep seeking God.. no, it's not a symptom.. it's what we're supposed to do. He is always there with you even when you feel most alone. On your darkest day, God is right there. Keep calling to Him, keep seeking and talking. I don't like bothering people either, God wants us to "bother" Him. :-)