Monday, September 17, 2007

Clandestine Tears

A tear clandestinely rolled down my cheek as I sat in an AA meeting tonight.  So many people reached out to me, hugging me, and shaking my hand. "Keep coming back!" and "It works if you work it!" rang out in the meeting hall at the meeting's close.  I needed others tonight and needed to be around other people of a like mind.

"What's is this about you thinking you are going to be a homeless alcoholic?" Phillip asked me as we sat smoking on the back porch.

"I just think that is my lot in life," I replied.

Phillip scoffed loudly. "You have a choice."

"I just don't think I can go the rest of my life without drinking," I told him. "The only time I feel okay is after a few beers."

"You just don't have to drink today," he replied. "One day only. You can handle that."

"I guess so," I replied, rubbing my chin in deep thought.

"One day at a time," he said reminding me as I got up to walk home.

That is all I could think of on the short walk back to my house.  One day at a time.  It seems so simple, but is much harder to put in practice if you have been a lifelong alcoholic such as myself.  

What am I going to do?  Meetings, and then more meetings.  I am going to pick myself up and keep trudging forward.  As Churchhill said once, "If you're going through hell, then keep going!"  That is what I intend to do.

Tonight, my mother is coming to spend time with me after her Monday night social group.  I so look forward to sitting with her and talking about our days.  Unlike my father, I can be honest with my mother and tell her exactly what transpired today without judgement.  When my father comes tonight, I will have to act like everything is just hunky dory and swell.  I love him and wish I could talk to him in a more candid manner.  Such is life, as they say.  I should just be glad I have one parent I can talk to.  Many don't have any.   


Cheryl said...

I'm really thankful that your day turned around. Really around. You turned that 24 pack into a 4 pack. I can't imagine the amount of willpower it took for you to pour that beer down the drain. Today is almost done. I hope that tomorrow is a little easier. You're always in my thoughts.

M said...

One day at a time is good advice for dealing with a lot of life's challenges. I have been thinking about that in regards to my issues too!

Heavenly Jen said...

Good for you.. you took despair and turned it round! Rosa will be proud of you!

Josie Two Shoes said...

"If you are going thru hell, then keep going!" I love that Andrew, and will remember it! The only way I can live my life is one day at a time, any more than that would feel to scary and hopeless. One day doesn't seem all that impossible. I am damn proud of you getting to that meeting tonight, I know it had to be the hardest thing to do. I am glad that you found encouragement and understanding there. Yes indeed, you are blessed to have your mother, everyone needs someone in their life who will love them unconditionally and not judge them. You know she understands. I wish you a good sleep tonight, Andrew, dream good dreams for your future, it can and will happen!

CJM-R said...

Good for you Andrew... what a day it was!

Glad you have your mom to talk things over with. I so admire that you can be candid with her.

Good night!

Moonlink said...

Your desire to be homeless may be rooted in your desire to continue drinking. Drinking masks the pain in your life, or the brokenness that is not being healed in your therapy sessions. Self medication for pain and brokeness with drugs or alcohol is common. You will desire alcohol as long as your underlying issues go unresolved. Your need to stay connected to people with drug and alcohol additions, stems from your underlying desire to join them again.

Over time,talking therapy heals the pain and brokenness with the right therapist. No one knows why this is so, but it works. Maybe it is because it leads to self realization, and self awareness. Talking about the pain helps identify the source.

Your current relationships with your therapist, and with your father are similar. You are not really grappling with the real issues that are causing you pain. There is no real communication going on in either relationship. As long as this continues, you will try to invent ways to return to the safety of oblivion. Start making changes that will improve your ability to heal, and to move on with your life. You can't get a new father, so get a new therapist. Take charge of your recovery by looking for a professional relationship with someone who can help you talk about your pain.

Le Fleur said...


I'm one of the people who can't talk to either parent honestly and I have few friends so I throw myself completely into school. That's why I'm so depleated at the end of the week, because I get rid of all my energy in the classroom and at the computer so I can come home and sleep without thinking. Too bad my bipolar disorder screws this up--I often still can't sleep because my brain won't turn off no matter how tired I am. You are someone who inspires me so much and I do hope that we can be friends even with all my flaws.

While catching up, the first few entries from today had me in tears. I'm so glad you poured most of the beer you bought down the drain and I'm glad the meeting affected you so profoundly. I believe that you are capable of anything, but you have to believe it or you really will be fucked. All the wonderful comments in the world can't convince you of something that you don't think is possible. Please, for your own sake and for the sakes of everyone who love you, don't give up.

Please don't ever think that God has forsaken you, she never will. If she did, she wouldn't be worth so much fuss, would she?


Windrider said...

Hi Andrew,

I can truly understand the pulls, and tugs, ripping at you about drinking. It is a true ugly bitch how they make us feel and act. Mouthwash is insanely acceptible, cough syrup, etc, etc...

Theres just no other way to to describe it. But I do have some advice, for whatever its worth...

Stay away from those "trigger points/people"... Really Andrew, just don't go around them.

The last couple of relapses with drinking have happened after hanging around ferret and george..

I know that it is tough to ask, but the next time you see them just do an "about face" and skeedaddle out of there! It isn't so much that they are bad people, buthow they choose to live makes you want to get back into destructive behavior..

You are SO BLESSED Andrew. You have a safe, clean, home. And a family that loves you to death. I know that really doesn't do much to quell that wandering soul that you struggle ( and i do too ) with but, please just try to practise that man..

I can tell you that there is absolutely nothing worth throwing it all away for, from my own experience Bro.

Head back to the Doc, get the meds adjusted, breathe deep... Stay AWAY from the old cronies, and keep on keeping on.


KYRIE said...

Hey Andrew, those people frm ur AA are awesome. I am glad for u tht today turned out okay in the end.
And thank you for ur comments, they cheered me up a bit.

"One day at a time" is a good philosophy.

Rest well and good night.

Eric said...

I am glad to see that you are giving Andrew a chance. He deserves it.


oh that last paragraph got me!! The one regarding your dad and mom...I have that problem with my powerful pop...but mom? I'm so at ease...I too wish for the improved communication with him, so if you figure out how to get that, will you let me know? I do agree with you, that even though we don't have the relationship with our dads that we'd like to have, at least we have them..
You're on a wonderful role with wonderful posts!!

SOUL: said...

how did i miss this one? you still doin the dew? i hope so? and hey... if you're not... tomorrow is a new day/ always a new day for a new start right. and thet gy was right. the only way i EVER got any length of sobriety, was when i STOPPED looking at the rest of my life without a drink. it seemed impossible. it was impossible. but andrew... there were times i got litterally down to one minute at a time... many minutes at a time, until it turned into a DAY.. and another day. a minute, and hour, a day, a week, a month , a year... eventually you stop counting.

personally, i have quit counting. i just don;t drink for today. and that's good enough for me. i had 8 very happy years of AA ... people thought i was a walking big book, i sponsored people, i was just the shit....
then guess what?
my ONE reservation.....happened.

someone told me when i first got sober.. for what i thought would be the last time.. don't have ANY reservations. (but i did..i had one... if i ever lost a child... a second child ... i just knew i would drink. so guess what... i did. and i quit , and i drank, and i quit and i drank, and it went on for years.
but, i have been sober for years again too.. just not sure how many. it did me no good to count. it only made it harder when i had to start over.
anyhow.... i don't know...i'm about to start sleep blogging if i don't shut up.
glad you got to talk to your mom. hopefully it helped .
(my folks are both in heaven).. so at least you got one to talk to..actually you have both.. just kinda each about certain things :))
good luck with all that's comin your way!