Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Beyond the Diagnoses

Tonight was the first time in a very long time I had my bed to myself. I stretched out blissfully upon the whole width of my bed. I hogged the covers and slept on my back so I could snore as loudly as I wanted. My little slumber party was finally interrupted when Maggie jumped into the bed with me. "You just had to go and ruin my fun," I told her playfully, looking down at her lying at my feet. She watched me for a few moments and then went sound asleep with a canine sigh. I sat on the edge of my bed to put on my shorts, shoes, and came in here to write, listen to the radio, and drink a Mountain Dew.

Soul wanted to know more of the man beyond the diagnoses. I think I am smart and driven. I am very creative and have a flair for things such as music, drawing, and painting. I imagine myself to be from a long line of creatively brilliant schizophrenics known for their eccentricity and candle light bright lives that are short and furious in their living. Rosa says I am too smart for my own good and that I tend to over think things. She is usually right when it concerns me and knows me best. I have grand aspirations for life. I want to marry again. I want to regale in a life that is dull and full of routine which I consider normal. I would like to work again and support myself. I want to make love with abandon and howl at the moon. I don't want to take medications and deal with their side effects for the rest of my life. My Achilles heel is a stiff drink. I feel most passionate after a few drinks. That passion has been hard to capture any other way.

I was talking to my father last night and I love how "normal" his life is. I want my life to be so mundane.

"Tell me of your routines," I asked him as we sat in my den.

"Oh, I put on my favorite t-shirt and pajama bottoms every night when I get home," he said. "I usually pour myself a diet coke and turn on the t.v. to The Weather Channel. Your mother asks me a thousand questions as I unwind from my day. I have to pet my pussy (his cat). I then usually toast a piece of buttered cinnamon toast as a treat and go to bed."

I sighed wistfully and longingly.

"Tell me about your day," dad then asked.

"After you leave from giving me my medications, I go straight to bed and listen to the radio as I drift off to sleep. Rosa usually complains about it being too loud. I sleep for a few hours then wake up excited that my favorite program is on."

"What program is that?" dad asked.

"Coast to Coast AM. I then stay up to about 7 a.m. and then cook breakfast."

"Oh, that is that show about bigfoot and aliens," he said as he smiled. "You also like a traditional breakfast, don't you."

"Yeah, I like eggs, bacon or sausage, and buttery toast. I usually slice some sharp cheddar as well."

"Does Rosa eat breakfast with you?"

"She gets up to eat and then encourages me to come back to bed.  She says my sleeping habits are crazy and that I keep her up all night.  I have told her she can always sleep at her house, but she insists on staying with me."

"See? You have comforting routines as well," my father said.

"Yeah, and I can be rather autistic about them getting interrupted."

"That's why I don't ask of you as much as I do of your brother or sister. I don't want to upset you."

"What are Maggie's routines?" my father then asked.

I laughed, calling her my cherub.

"She goes in and out of the dog door all day. Lunches are spent on the riviera sunning ourselves. A dainty dinner of kibbles is served at noon.  Afternoons are spent lazing about, watching our human host like some rendition of The Truman Show."

My father laughed and loved the humor for which I told of Maggie's day.

"You've taken such good care of her and I am proud of you for that."

"I love her," I replied. "She is as close to having a child as I will ever experience." 

I walked my father to the door and told him to go enjoy his routine. He smiled and hugged me goodnight.

"Get some good sleep tonight," he said.

I thanked him and curled up in the bed for a few hours and then started my routines for the day. There is a long stretch ahead of me filled with radio until breakfast at 7 a.m. Then, I can go back to sleep with the air turned down low and with Maggie by my side. It is going to be a good morning and I better quit writing about it and go and enjoy it. Good morning and good day.


Summer said...

Morning Sweet Pea! Is breakfast ready yet?

SOUL: said...

good morning andrew...
thanks for doin this for me.... i'm sure your other readers will enjoy it as well.
(i want to see a pic of your maggie btw... my dogs and cats are my "other kids too... i only have my soulkid, and there will be no more for us either.. unless of course they have 4 legs!)
there is a FINE man behind the diagnosis my brotha... i hope you can see that, now that it is in print... for all the world to see! no turning back now.
a strong, talented, funny, loving, determined, fighter of a man in there!!!! don't let that damn diagnosis kick your ass... sometimes, ya just gotta wake up and say

i am andrew... my diagnosis does NOT define ME as a man!

it works bud.. i know this , because i have had to do it ... it doesnt happpen overnight... and it's isn't like it doesn't return to your thoughts at times.... you have to learn to be stronger than big fancy freakin "labels".

i am not a label. i have several.. SEVERAL... diagnoses myself... but they are NOT ME. they are merely a part of my that i have to deal with. i must be stronger than they are.... or there will be no me.

i hope youu have learned from your "bender", and decided it wasn't worth the effort or money ya put into... i was glad to see you were drinkin a dew!!!!

take care my brotha... and have a great day today!!!


what a great soulful approach and crisp wonderful read today!!
Sounds to me like you had a nice connecting conversation with dad..I'm sure even though his life seems mundane and wishful for you to have, he has his challenges as well.
Maggie-WOOF!Be nice to your daddy today!! He's had a few rough days!

I really liked this post!!

Cheryl said...

I think I've been feeling a little weepy or sentimental lately, because whenever I read your posts, a tear comes to my eye. I hope today has you feeling fine. Doing your routines. I'm off to make my daily oatmeal and listen to my audio book as I drive to work. As usual.

Anonymous said...

The Solution

All praise is due to Allah, who built the heavens and earth in justice, and created man as a favor and grace for Him.

And from His ways is that the days rotate between the people, and from His law is retaliation in kind: an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth and the killer is killed.

And all praise is due to Allah, who awakened His slaves' desire for the Garden, and all of them will enter it except those who refuse. And whoever obeys Him alone in all of his affairs will enter the Garden, and whoever disobeys Him will have refused.

As for what comes after:

Peace be upon he who follows the Guidance.

People of America:

I shall be speaking to you on important topics which concern you, so lend me your ears.

I begin by discussing the war which is between us and some of its repercussions for us and you.
To preface, I say: despite America being the greatest economic power and possessing the most powerful and up-to-date military arsenal as well; and despite it spending on this war and its army more than the entire world spends on its armies; and despite it being the major state influencing the policies of the world, as if it has a monopoly on the in just right of veto; despite all of this, 19 young men were able -by the grace of Allah, the Most High- to change the direction of its compass. And in fact, the subject of the Mujahedeen has become an inseparable part of the speech of your leader, and the effects and signs of that are not hidden.

Since the 11th, many of America's policies have come under the influence of the Mujahideen, and that is by the grace of Allah, the Most High. And as a result, the people discovered the truth about it, its reputation worsened, its prestige was broken globally and it was bled dry economically, even if our interests overlap with the interests of the major corporations and also with those of the neoconservatives, despite the differing intentions. And your information media, during the first years of the war, lost its credibility and manifested itself as a tool of the colonialist empires, and its condition has often been worse than the condition of the media of the dictatorial regimes which march in the caravan of the single leader. Then Bush talks about his working with al-Maliki and his government to spread freedom in Iraq, but he in fact is working with the leaders of one sect against another sect, in the belief that this will quickly decide the war in his favor. And thus, what is called the civil war came into being and matters worsened at his hands before getting out of his control and him becoming like the one who plows and sows the sea: he harvests nothing but failure.

So these are some of the results of the freedom about whose spreading he is talking to you. And then the backtracking of Bush on his insistence on not giving the United Nations expanded jurisdiction in Iraq is an implicit admission of his loss and defeat there. And among the most important items contained in Bush's speeches since the events of the 11th is that the Americans have no option but to continue the war. This tone is in fact an echoing of the words of neoconservatives like Cheney , Rumsfeld and Richard pearle, the latter having said previously that the Americans have no choice in front of them other than to continue the war or face a holocaust.

I say, refuting this unjust statement, that the morality and culture of the holocaust is your culture, not our culture. In fact, burning living beings is forbidden in our religion, even if they be small like the ant, so what of man?! The holocaust of the Jews was carried out by your brethren in the middle of Europe, but had it been closer to our countries, most of the Jews would have been saved by taking refuge with us. And my proof for that is in what your brothers, the Spanish, did when they set up the horrible courts of the Inquisition to try Muslims and Jews, when the Jews only found safe shelter by taking refuge in our countries. And that is why the Jewish community in Morocco today is one of the largest communities in the world. They are alive with us and we have not incinerated them, but we are a people who don't sleep under oppression and reject humiliation and disgrace, and we take revenge on the people of tyranny and agression, and the blood of the Muslims will not be spilled with impunity, and the morrow is nigh for he who awaits.

Also, your Christian brothers have been living among us for 14 centuries: in Egypt alone, there are millions of Christians whom we have not incinerated and shall not incinerate. But the fact is, there is a continuing and biased campaign being waged against us for a long time now by your politicians and many of your writers by way of your media, especially Hollywood, for the purpose of misrepresenting Islam and its adherents to drive you away from the true religion. The genocide of peoples and their holocausts took place at your hands: only a few specimens of Red Indians were spared, and just a few days ago, the Japanese observed the 62nd anniversary of the annihilation of Hiroshima and Nagasaki by your nuclear weapons.

And among the things which catch the eye of the one who considers the repercussions of your unjust war against Iraq is the failure of your democratic system, desipte its raising of the slogans of justice, liberty, equality and humanitarianism. It has not only failed to achieve these things, it has actually destroyed these and other concepts with its weapons -especially in Iraq and Afghanistan- in a brazen fashion, to replace them with fear, destruction, killing, hunger, illness, displacement and more than a million orphans in Baghdad alone, not to mention hundreds of thousands of widows. American statistics speak of the killing of more than 650,000 of the people of Iraq as a result of the war and its repercussions.

People of America:

The world is following your news in regards to your invasion of Iraq, for people have recently come to know that, after several years of the tragedies of this war, the vast majority of you want it stopped. Thus, you elected the Democratic Party for this purpose, but the Democrats haven't made a move worth mentioning. On the contrary, they continue to agree to the spending of tens of billions to continue the killing and war there, which has led to the vast majority of you being afflicted with disappointment. And here is the gist of the matter, so one should pause, think and reflect: why have the Democrats failed to stop this war, despite them being the majority? I will come back to reply to this question after raising another question, which is: why are the leaders of the White House keen to start wars and wage them around the world, and make use of every possible opportunity through which they can reach this purpose, occasionally even creating justifications based on deception and blatant lies, as you saw in Iraq?

In the Vietnam War, the leaders of the White House claimed at the time that it was a necessary and crucial war, and during it, Rumsfeld and his aides murdered two millions villagers, and when Kennedy took over the presidency and deviated from the general line of policy drawn up for the White House and wanted to stop this unjust war, that angered the owners of the major corporations who were benefiting from its continuation. And so Kennedy was killed, and al-Qaida wasn't present at that time, but rather, those corporations were the primary beneficiary from his killing. And the war continued after that for approximately one decade. But after it became clear to you that it was an unjust and unnecessary war, you made one of your greatest mistakes, in that you neither brought to account nor punished those who waged this war, not even the most violent of its murderers, Rumsfeld.

And even more incredible than that is that Bush picked him as secretary of defense in his first term after picking Cheney as his vice-president, Powell as secretary of state and Armitage as Powell's deputy, despite their horrific and bloody history of murdering humans. So that was a clear signal that this administration -the administartion of the generals- didn't have as its main concern the serving of humanity, but rather, was intersted in bringing about news massacres. Yet in spite of that, you permitted Bush to complete his first term, and stranger still, chose him for a second term, which gave him a clear mandate from you -with your full knowledge and consent- to continue to murder our people in Iraq and Afghanistan. Then you claim to be innocent! This innocence of yours is like my innocence of the blood of your sons on the 11th -were I to claim such a thing. But it is impossible for me to humor many of you in the arrogance and indifference you show for the lives of humans outside America, or for me to humor your leaders in their lying, as the entire world knows they have the lion's share of that. These morals aren't our morals.

What I want to emphasize here is that not taking past war criminals to account led to them repeating that crime of killing humanity without right and waging this unjust war in Mesopotamia, and as a result, here are the oppressed ones today continuing to take their right from you. This war was entirely unnecessary, as testified to by your own reports. And among the most capable of those from your own side who speak to you on this topic and on the manufacturing of public opinion is Noam Chomsky, who spoke sober words of advice prior to the war, but the leader of Texas doesn't like those who give advice.

The entire world came out in unprecedented demonstrations to warn against waging the war and describe its true nature in eloquent terms like "no to spilling red blood for black oil", yet he paid them no heed. It is time for humankind to know that talk of the rights of man and freedom are lies produced by the White House and its allies in Europe to deceive humans, take control of their destinies and subjugate them. So in answer to the question about causes of the Democrats' failure to stop the war, I say: they are the same reasons which led to the failure of former president Kennedy to stop Vietnam War. Those with real power and influence are those with the most capital. And since the democratic system permits major corporations to back candidates, be they presidential or congressional, there shouldn't be any cause for astonishment -and there isn't any- in the Democrats' failure to stop the war.

And you're the ones who have the saying which goes, "Money talks". And I tell you: after the failure of your representatives in the Democratic Party to implement your desire to stop the war, you can still carry anti-war placards and spread out in the streets of major cities, then go back to your homes, but that will be of no use and will lead to the prolonging of the war. However, there are two solutions for stopping it. The first is from our side, and it is to continue to escalate the killing and fighting against you. This is our duty, and our brothers are carrying it out, and I ask Allah to grant them resolve and victory. And the second solution is from your side. It has now become clear to you and the entire world the impotence of the democratic system and how it plays with the interests of the peoples and their blood by sacrificing soldiers and populations to achieve the interests of the major corporations. And with that, it has become clear to all that they are real tyrannical terrorists.

In fact, the life of all of mankind is in danger because of the global warming resulting to a large degree from the emissions of the factories of the major corporations, yet despite that, the representative of these corporations in the White House insists on not observing the Kyoto accord, with the knowledge that the statistic speaks of the death and displacement of millions of human beings because of that, especially in Africa. This greatest of plagues and most dangerous of threats to the lives of humans is taking place in an accelerating fashion as the world is being dominated by the democratic system, which confirms its massive failure to protect humans and their interests from the greed and avarice of the major corporations and their representatives. And despite this brazen attack on the people, the leaders of the West -especially Bush, Blair, Sarkozy and Brown- still talk about freedom and human rights with a flagrant disregard for the intellects of human beings. So is there a form of terrorism stronger, clearer and more dangerous than this?

This is why I tell you: as you liberated yourselves before from the slavery of monks, kings and feudalism, you should today liberate yourselves from the deception, shackles and attrition of the capitalist system. If you were to ponder it well, you would find that in the end, it is a system harsher and fiercer than your systems in the Middle Ages. The capitalist system seeks to turn the entire world into a fiefdom of the major corporations under the label of "globalization" in order to protect democracy. And Iraq and Afghanistan and their tragedies; the reeling of many of you under the burden of interests-related debts, insane taxes and real estate mortgages; global warming and its woes; and the abject poverty and tragic hunger in Africa: all of this is but one side of the grim face of this global system. So it is imperative that you free yourselves from all of that and search for an alternative, upright methodology in which it is not the business of any class of humanity to lay down its own laws to its own advantage at the expense of the other classes as is the case with you, since the essence of man-made positive laws is that they serve the interests of those with the capital and thus make the rich richer and the poor poorer.
The infallible methodology is the methodology of Allah, the Most High, who created the heavens and earth and created the Creation and is the Most Kind and All-Informed and the Knower of the souls of His slaves and the methodology that best suits them. You believe with absolute certainty that you believe in Allah, and you are full of conviction of this belief, so much so that you have written this belief of yours on your dollar. But the truth is that you are mistake in this belief of yours. The impartial judge knows that belief in Allah requires straightness in the following of His methodology, and accordingly, total obedience must be to the orders and prohibitions of Allah Alone in all aspects of life. So how about you when you associate others with Him in your beliefs and separate state from religion, then claim that you are believers?! What you have done is clear loss and manifest polytheism. And I will give you a parable of polytheism, as parables summarize and clarify speech. I tell you: its parable is the parable of a man who owns a shop and hires a worker and tells him, "Sell and give me the money," but he makes sales and give the money to someone other than the owner. So who of you would approve of that? You believe that Allah is your Lord and your Creator and the Creator of this earth and that it is His property, then you work on His earth and property without His orders and without obeying Him, and you legislate in contradiction to His Law and methodology.

This work of yours is the greatest form of polytheism and is rebellion against obedience to Allah with which the believer becomes an unbeliever, even if he obeys Allah in some of His other orders. Allah, the Most High, sent down His orders in His Sacred Books like the Torah and Evangel and sent with them the Messengers (Allah's prayers and peace be upon them) as bearers of good news to the people. And everyone who believes in them and complies with them is a believer from the people of the Garden. Then when the men of knowledge altered the words of Allah, the Most High, and sold them for a paltry price, as the rabbis did with the Torah and the monks with the Evangel, Allah sent down His final Book, the magnificent Quran, and safeguarded it from being added to or subtracted from by the hands of men, and in it is a complete methodology for the lives of all people. And our holding firm to this magnificient Book is the secret of our strength and winning of the war against you despite the fewness of our numbers and materiel. And if you would like to get to know some of the reasons for your losing of your war against us, then read the book of Michael Scheuer in this regard. Don't be turned away from Islam by the terrible situation of the Muslims today, for our rulers in general abandoned Islam many decades ago, but our forefathers were the leaders and pioneers of the world for many centuries, when they held firmly to Islam.

And before concluding, I tell you: there has been an increase in the thinkers who study events and happenings, and on the basis of their study, they have declared the approach of the collapse of the American Empire. Among them is the European thinker who anticipated the fall of the Soviet Union, which indeed fell. And it would benefit you to read what he wrote about what comes after the empire in regard to the United States of America. I also want to bring to your attention that among the greatest reasons for the collapse of the Soviet Union was their being afflicted with their leader Brezhnev, who was overtaken by pride and arrogance and refused to look at the facts on the ground. From the first year of the Afghanistan invasion, reports indicated that the Russians were losing the war, but he refused to acknowledge this, lest it go down in his personal history as a defeat, even though refusal to acknowledge defeat not only doesn't do anything to change the facts for thinking people, but also exacerbates the problem and increases the losses. And how similar is your position today to their position approximately two decades ago. The mistakes of Brezhnev are being repeated by Bush, who -when asked about the date of his withdrawing of forces from Iraq- said in effect that the withdrawal will not be during his reign, but rather, during the reign of the one who succeeds him. And the significance of these words is not hidden.

And here I say: it would benefit you to listen to the poignant messages of your soldiers in Iraq who are paying- with their blood, nerves and scattered limbs- the price for these sorts of irresponsible statements. Among them is the eloquent message of Joshua which he sent by way of the media, in which he wipes the tears from his eyes and describes American politicians in harsh terms and invites them to join him there for a few days. Perhaps his message will find in you an attentive ear so you can rescue him and more than 150,000 of your sons there who are tasting the two bitterest things: if they leave their barracks, the mines devour them, and if they refuse to leave, rulings are passed against them. Thus, the only options left in front of them are to commit suicide or cry, both of which are from the severest of afflictions. So is there anything more men can do after crying and killing themselves to make you respond to them? They are doing that out of the severity of the humiliation, fear and terror which they are suffering. It is severer than what the slaves used to suffer at your hands centuries ago, and it is as if some of them have gone from one slavery to another slavery more severe and harmful, even if it be in the fancy dress of the Defense Department's financial enticements.

So do you feel the greatness of their suffering?

To conclude, I invite you to embrace Islam, for the greatest mistake one can make in this world and one which is uncorrectable is to die while not surrendering to Allah, the Most High, in all aspects of one's life -i.e., to die outside of Islam. And Islam means gain for you in this first life and the next, final life. The true religion is a mercy for people in their lives, filling their hearts with serenity and calm. There is a lesson for you in the Mujahideen: the entire world is in pursuit of them, yet their hearts, by the grace of Allah, are satisfied and tranquil. The true religion also puts peoples' lives in order with its laws; protects their needs and interests; refines their morals; protects them from evils; and guarantees for them entrance into Paradise in the hereater through their obedience to Allah and sincere worship of Him Alone. And it will also achieve your desire to stop the war as a consequence, because as soon as the warmongering owners of the major corporations realize that you have lost confidence in your democratic system and begun to search for an alternative, and that this alternative is Islam, they will run after you to please you and achieve what you want to steer you away from Islam.

So your true compliance with Islam will deprive them of the opportunity to defraud the peoples and take their money under numerous pretexts, like arms deals and so on. There are no taxes in Islam, but rather, there is a limited Zakaat [alms] totaling only 2.5% . So beware of the deception of those with the capital. And with your earnest reading about Islam from its pristine sources, you will arrive at an important truth, which is that the religion of all of the Prophets (peace and blessings of Allah be upon them) is one, and that its essence is submission to the orders of Allah Alone in all aspects of life, even if their Shari'ahs [Laws] differ. And did you know that the name of the Prophet of Allah Jesus and his mother (peace and blessings of Allah be upon them both) are mentioned in the Noble Quran dozens of times, and that in the Quran there is a chapter whose name is "Maryam", i.e. Mary, daughter of Imran and mother of Jesus (peace and blessings of Allah be upon them both)? It tells the story of her becoming pregnant with the Prophet of Allah Jesus (peace and blessings of Allah be upon them both), and in it is confirmation of her chastity and purity, in contrast to the fabrications of the Jews against her.

Whoever wishes to find that out for himself must listen to the verses of this magnificent chapter: one of the just kings of the Christians -the Negus- listened to some of its verses and his eyes welled up with tears and he said something which should be reflected on for a long time by those sincere in their search for the truth. He said, "Verily, this and what Jesus brought come from one lantern": i.e., that the magnificent Quran and the Evangel are both from Allah, the Most High; and every just and intelligent one of you who reflects on the Quran will definitely arrive at this truth. It also must be noted that Allah has preserved the Quran from the alterations of men. And reading in order to become acquainted with Islam only requires a little effort, and those of you who are guided will profit greatly.

And peace be upon he who follows the Guidance.

From Usama Bin Laden to The american people

the Video
pass : aasd

Portia said...

just caught up after a long weekend... i'm really sorry it was such a rough one. i hope this week finds you, maggie & rosa relaxing in your routines:)

Bridget said...

Not sure if you saw this from the other day, so I'll repost:

Just wanted to pass you a quick note that I LOVE your blog and also that I'm a fellow Coast to Coast fan. I don't believe in all of the stuff on the show, but it's way more entertaining than anything on TV.

You've posted that you wish Coast was on during the day. Well, you can listen to it during the day - and before everyone at night hears the day's show. I do that nearly every day in work. You can either go on the website and click the link to "Listen to Last Night's Show," or if you want to listen to it radio-style, there is a station in Guam that broadcasts it over the web. K57 AM. Guam is a day ahead of our timezone, which means that you can hear Tuesday night's show now if you wanted. The show runs 3a-6a their time, which would be 1P to 4P our time. The link for the station is: http://www.radiopacific.com/k57/. Make sure you have RealAudio on your computer; that is the file type the stream is in.

I am on dial-up internet and have no problem listening to radio over the web.

~ Bridget in Connecticut.

Rich said...

Nice post. it's good you and your Dad are able to hug.

I like the new look of your blog

Josie Two Shoes said...

Delightful read, Andrew! You did a marvelous job of responding to Soul's comment. I love the man behind the diagnosis, we all do! And I can so relate to your enjoyment of simple, normal routines. I am that way too. I have had enough ups and downs on the rollercoaster to last a lifetime. I would like nothing more than a very normal, "boring" life.

I loved the conversation with your Dad. It seems you two are communicating more and more all the time. I know that must feel good!

SOUL: said...

hi again... i hope these crazy comments you've been getting lately aren't because i asked you to take off the eye thing??? or did they do it this much before? i hope it's not my fault. i would feel bad. but i would also feel bad if i had to do the eye thing again to leave you comments. :))
i do hope you are having a great day today!
btw.. burgers taste the same without beer!


HAHAHAH!! Not to be a blogger hogger,..but SOUL!! You asked him to take the word verification too? hahaha...I hope you both Mr 4th and Mrs. Soul are hanging in there with your rough days present and past!!

SOUL: said...

CRUSTY... my blog pals are so GREAT... andrew took it down...EE took hers off.. YOUO of course took yours off... i'm thinkin portia may have as well
andrew? where are you my brotha... time to check in with the soul sistah!

KYRIE said...

Hey Andrew.
I love this post. And may all ur dreams come true. I love sweet posts like this.
Seems like ur comment field been high jacked by a crazy!