Monday, August 20, 2007

River Longings

I was sitting down at the post office when my mother saw my car and pulled into the parking lot.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Just sitting here and listening to the radio," I said. "I had to get out of the house and knew no one would bother me here."

"Aren't you hot?"

"It is very hot," I replied.

"Come on and get in the car," she said. "Let's go get you something to drink."

We drove down the road to the convenience store. I tried to explain to my mother, my cabin fever. It is a symptom of my urge to be homeless.

"I used to couldn't stay in the house without your father there so I understand," she told me which made me feel better.

Deep tears then started to roll down my cheeks. My mother looked alarmed.

"Mom, I can't keep living the way I am living," I said in between sobs.

"What are you going to do?" she asked.

"I am going to go live down on the river for awhile before winter hits."

"Your father is going to have a fit," she said.

"I don't care what he thinks," I replied.

Mom took me back to the car with several bottles of cold water.

I feel crazy today. Turbulent thoughts amidst a turbulent mind. My only peace is the solitude of the great outdoors where I don't feel four walls closing in on me. When I get crazy, I don't care what other people think. I just want to live by the river and have the simplicity of it all. I can deal with the heat. The mosquitoes. And the animals. I can't deal with feeling tied down and caged like something in a zoo. Bah, I am going to quit writing this blog because I will hear nothing but negativity for writing my honest emotions.


Mary said...

No negativity from me. We all have our turbulent times and have to deal with them in our own way. I close the drapes and sleep - you move outdoors. Big deal! It's our way of dealing with life. Will Maggie live outside with you? My kitty, zinnia, sleeps with me during these times.

Josie Two Shoes said...

We all feel what we feel, Andrew. To deny it is not going to change it. You don't need to worry about what other folks think or say, the only one you have to live comfortably with in the end is YOU! If you have the urge to escape then you have it, I think for most of us our main concern is your safety and welfare. No one wants to see you sliding down a slippery slope. But that sure doesn't mean you don't have the right to get away for a bit when you feel the walls closing in. Please don't ever stop just being yourself here, those who love you will accept you as you are! Flowery phrases are nice, but I'd much rather know you warts and all, because I am human just like you!

Cheryl said...

Yup, we're all human and I'd rather see you in 3-D than a pretty'd up version of you. Today is a very bad day. Tomorrow might be great.

SimplyTim said...

Hi Andrew,

I continue to read your blog on a daily basis. Your writing has always been good but I have noticed a dramatic increase in quality especially around dialogue and detail that draws me in even further.

Re. your cabin fever and itchy feet, you may want to take a look at a blog post for google earth which will let you become your own weather forcaster. It's a great enhancement for gearth.

You can find it at:

Be well,


madamspud169 said...

I really admire the way you write it's almost as if I can feel a little bit of what you're feeling through the words you write. I wish you to be happy, content & safe & if that means some time spent living outdoors then you should do it just as long as you take precautions & are safe. You have many people who love you Rosa, your parents & us who read your blog, you have a lot of people who may drive you nuts but who only do so with the best intentions. Sometimes it's good to remember this, mind you sometimes it's not lol

Anonymous said...

Here is what irks me a little. I too have a history of mental illness & addiction. Part of me wants to tell you yes, go, get it out of your system. The other part wants to tell you not to, you are being selfish..blah blah blah. I guess you do what you have to do, I am not one to judge you. Just be safe & whatever you are going through I hope it gets better. I read your blog every day & I hope to see you back at home & ok.

amelia said...

I am not "mentally ill" who knows I could be, but I feel the same way!!

The outdoors is the only place I feel free and happy too. When I'm even the slightest bit unhappy, I take my four dogs and go for a hike.

I know how that feels.

Ellie said...

You are an absolute inspiration. The way you cope with things. Many people would agree that the great outdoors isn't called the "great outdoors" for nothing. Who wants to be caged up like a zoo animal? Nest wishes to you . %%%

Jenn said...

This too shall pass, Andrew. Stay safe and on the meds. I'd hate to see you backslide after coming so far.


YOU CAN'T LEAVE US!! You're too good a person!!

Have you ever asked your mom how she deals with things when it gets tough?

It's OKAY to feel CRAZY. IT's OKAY To feel pent up and cooped up.

It's all perfectly natural..
I know things will settle down for you. Without a doubt.


Anonymous said...

Hi Andrew,

Please stick things out where you are. I know about addiction, its not possible to indulge a little bit. If you start with the intention of just going there outdoors only when you feel bad it may spiral out of control and I am just concerned about you losing all your hard won gains. In every relationship there will be times when you feel that you are tired of this person and that you need your space back and everyone feels like just saying fuck it! and walking away from their jobs and mortgages sometimes but the rewards of sticking it through far outweigh the benefits of walking away. I've been reading back over your old posts and what strikes me is how grateful you are in your better moments to have a home, to have Rosa, to finally be sober, to have a better relationship with your parents. Don't worry about how we feel about this really, this is about what's best for you.

Anonymous said...

Andrew, we all feel the way you do from time to time, we just want to escape life, get away from the pressures we have to face. You are just like the rest of us--NORMAL! Don't be so hard on yourself. It's like we are on a merry-go-round and we have to get off for a while. You just need to get outside and enjoy the outdoors, however, it's really hot for that. Try camping in the back yard, just you and Maggie. :-) You are an inspiration to all of us. Keep up the great blog!

Westcliffe baroness said...

Andrew, even those of us without a mental illness have these kind of day.....I can only sympathize with your feeling; which you so eloquintly put down in your Blog.
I feel some days like my head could just implode...take it one day at a time and one hour at a time if necessary.
I am pulling for you and so are many others who only know you from this Blog.
Hang in there, buddy!