Last night was my choice. "You sure you don't want to go eat with us?" my father asked. "They have great seafood and steaks." I really tried to go. I did. I got a shower, shaved, put on some nice clothes. I even donned my uncomfortable, but nice looking pair of tennis shoes. The mirror stopped me though. I stood there looking at my face -- so full and puffy. I looked fat. I did so well on my diet for awhile, but gave up. I have gained so much weight lately. "You look like the Sta-Puff marshmallow man," I told myself in the mirror, disgusted. It was thoroughly depressing.
Supper was a microwave meal -- 490 calories. Chicken tenderloins with glazed carrots and garlic mashed potatoes. I thought of my father, mother, and my grandmother enjoying fried shrimp and baked potatoes. I was still so hungry. My medications make me ravenous. To hell with it, I thought as I called Rosa. "You hungry?" I asked. It was storming outside, but I still drove by the grocery store and to pick her up.
Beef lo mein was made on the stove. Ground beef with steamed cabbage cooked in soy sauce -- served on a bed of rice and chow mein noodles. It is the only Chinese food Rosa will eat and one of my childhood favorites. "Why do you look so sad?" Rosa asked me over our meal. "I can't quit eating," I replied between healthy mouthfuls of lo mein.
I heard Dr. Laura say the other night on the radio about losing weight that, "You're either lazy or you're not." To her, there was no middle ground -- no compromise. It is always black or white. "Put on some sweats and just walk," she said as if it were that simple. She is waif thin and looks almost unhealthy. It reminds me of the bulimics and anorexics I have read about over the years -- an eating disorder of another sort. Exercise obsessed. She is not taking over 2000 mg of various medications to control the various symptoms of a mental illness though -- many known to cause marked weight gain. I think I will now go have a cheese Danish and thoroughly shoot my diet to hell. At least, I will feel better for a few moments.