Sunday, August 26, 2007

Ravenous

Last night was my choice. "You sure you don't want to go eat with us?" my father asked. "They have great seafood and steaks." I really tried to go. I did. I got a shower, shaved, put on some nice clothes. I even donned my uncomfortable, but nice looking pair of tennis shoes. The mirror stopped me though. I stood there looking at my face -- so full and puffy. I looked fat. I did so well on my diet for awhile, but gave up. I have gained so much weight lately. "You look like the Sta-Puff marshmallow man," I told myself in the mirror, disgusted. It was thoroughly depressing.

Supper was a microwave meal -- 490 calories. Chicken tenderloins with glazed carrots and garlic mashed potatoes. I thought of my father, mother, and my grandmother enjoying fried shrimp and baked potatoes. I was still so hungry. My medications make me ravenous. To hell with it, I thought as I called Rosa. "You hungry?" I asked. It was storming outside, but I still drove by the grocery store and to pick her up.

Beef lo mein was made on the stove. Ground beef with steamed cabbage cooked in soy sauce -- served on a bed of rice and chow mein noodles. It is the only Chinese food Rosa will eat and one of my childhood favorites.  "Why do you look so sad?" Rosa asked me over our meal. "I can't quit eating," I replied between healthy mouthfuls of lo mein.

I heard Dr. Laura say the other night on the radio about losing weight that, "You're either lazy or you're not." To her, there was no middle ground -- no compromise. It is always black or white. "Put on some sweats and just walk," she said as if it were that simple.  She is waif thin and looks almost unhealthy.  It reminds me of the bulimics and anorexics I have read about over the years -- an eating disorder of another sort. Exercise obsessed. She is not taking over 2000 mg of various medications to control the various symptoms of a mental illness though -- many known to cause marked weight gain. I think I will now go have a cheese Danish and thoroughly shoot my diet to hell.  At least, I will feel better for a few moments.   

22 comments:

Summer said...

Dr. Laura is an idiot.

simonsays said...

Amen to Dr Laura being an idiot. Hang in there Andrew, it will get better. Sometimes losing weight is easier than others, it will get that way for you....

CJM-R said...

Didn't realize Dr. Laura was still on. Yep, Ms. Black and White. If she were right, and it were only that easy, then millions and millions of people wouldn't be struggling.

You are dealing with something all together different with the meds you need to take, as you said.

I hear your frustation with the side effects and I am sorry that what makes you well, also causes havoc with your body.

Hang in there!

Nikita1 said...

hi Andrew...reading your blog for a couple of weeks now...enjoying it! Can you play chess....follow the link on my site if you can and let's play! I think you will enjoy it..if you can't....you still can come and enjoy and i'll teach you! Sign up as a guest and drop me a line ....my nickname is there with the link....I really want you to stay possitive...and you're doing great!!

Nikita1 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
CRUSTYBEEF said...

yum, cheese danishes! Have you ever had an apple tart danish? worth all the calories!
We are our worst critics, I'm sure you're not as "bad" as you think.
Always,
Crusty~

Palm Springs Savant said...

hey there- first time visitor to your blog. (I like it). I am trying to lose some weight also...not a ton, but enough that its hard. I'm not lazy either but I need some inspiration. Or maybe a magic pill. Or someone to just make it go away for me! Hang in there, we'll drop it eventually.
:-)

WhistlinGypsy said...

food is addictive as anything else- but we can't very well quit eating, eh? You are creative, generous and loved, you have accomplished much- let the diet be. just relax and enjoy- not a liscense to binge, just enjoy. don't suffer over food, tis not worth it. carry on!

Josie Two Shoes said...

I have struggled with this issue all my life, Andrew. Yes - so easy for her to just dismiss it as being "lazy", as so many other folks do too. There are so many underlying reasons why we overeat, both psycholical and physical. And up medications sure can do that! It is an ogoing fight. Just like you, I often feel bad when I look in the mirror, and I dread going out in public when visiting my father in the town where I grew up. I know what they are saying. It's humiliating. So I know exactly how you felt when you got dressed and looked in the mirror. Maybe they don't notice it as much as we do, it's how we feel about ourselves! And yes, when I am down about it, I binge, which is even worse. But you were doing really well with your diet, despite the medications, and I have ample reason to get serious about losing all the weight again (this would be the third time, with much more to lose than you) - so let's promise each other to get back on track tomorrow and see if we can get thru each day with healthier low-cal eating and some walking - or in your case even bicycling. We will be so much happier with ourselves in the long run!! I won't promise to do it perfect everyday, but I do promise to keep trying if I slip. How about you??

Josie Two Shoes said...

Did you get the bicycle for Rosa? If you did, did she enjoy it? I haven't been on one for about 35 years, but it's a wonderful idea of something you can share.

Andrew said...

Josie,

We went to Wal-Mart to look at some bikes, but Rosa couldn't decide on one she like. I wanted her to get a sporty mountain bike. She wanted a old style "roadster" bike with the wide seat and handlebars. Our Wal-Mart didn't have one. We are going to try elsewhere.

impromptublogger said...

Awww, as you know some of it IS the side effects and they can be almost impossible to counter! I've gained weight this past winter spring - some my fault, but also due to meds and my thyroid acting (I really DO have thyroid disease!)

I think the trick is to get enough exercise so you can eat what you want! Life's too short to worry about every tiny calorie.

Josie Two Shoes said...

I agree with impromptu - if we were getting plenty of exercise indulging a little wouldn't be such a big issue, in my job I spend hours at the computer - which makes any physical activity feel like a real workout. I need to build up some endurance! I think it's great that you get out and walk and ride each day, Andrew - that IS very healthy - and so good for emotional wellbeing too!

Gianna said...

It doesn't matter how much you exercise sometimes or how much you eat. I have never eaten too much. I spend time with friends who eat much more than me and they are thin. I exercised three hours a day vigorously 6 days a week and still remained fat on these drugs. IT'S NOT OUR FAULT. Starving isn't going to help. We need nourishment.

I had to come to peace with the weight. I imagine I'll have it all my life now having been on meds and fat from them for 15 years. I think my body only knows fat now.

I just go for being as healthy as possilbe. Good healthy natural whole food and exercise.

Kitty said...

At least, I will feel better for a few moments.....
That is my feeling too. But after those view moments, I am worse than before. It is not the answer and we know it.
Ik know that walking is a great way to exercise, but my medication dos'nt let me walk allone. I am to dizzy to go allone. I have asked everybody in my neighberhood but nobody can walk whit me.
So I am stok at my house all day. Feeling sat and eating, whit's making me satter every day. Now I am gooing to a therapie, where ik can walk by myself and ride a bike. When I come home, now I feel great. I don't know if I am loosing weight, but I feel great.

I kan not write Enlisch very well, but I hope you will understand what I have written.

Go on, make your own live worth living, as I did en do mine.
Kis, Kitty.

Andrew said...

Kitty,

You write english fine and thanks for the words of support.

joyous melancholy said...

"Doctor" Laura saying that you just need to put on some sweat pants and walk is like Tom Cruise saying you just need vitamins and excercise. She's an idiot, and she's wrong. Hopefully, if your head hears that enough, your heart will start to believe it.

I don't know what you look like, and I've never actually met you. But you strike me as an amazingly beautiful person. Please don't let your idea of what you should look like get in the way of that.

Blue Gardenia said...

When I took Zyprexa I was always hungry and put on an alarming amount of weight. Anti-Psychotics are tough. But an old one, Trilaphon, (Perphenazine) works well and has no weight gain. Ask your father, it is dirt cheap.

lulu said...

Andrew - Like you, my medication makes me ravenous. I also have to take it at 8:30 so I am doing a great deal of night eating. When I feel down after a quick look in a full length mirror I try to remind myself that I feel better fat than depressed and thinner. We do the best we can at any given moment and we need to allow ourselves to be proud of that. Thank you for allowing us a look through the window to your world.

Spider Girl said...

Dr. Laura's advice seems rather unhelpful. It's seldom all or nothing in anything, weightloss included.

I've had a few cracks at getting in shape myself--it's never perfect as I love good food but being healthy is a lifelong process, right? :)

~Vital~ said...

You know...I have learned, mostly the hard way as that is the way I do most things, that to judge is to set your own prison. You reap what you sow. I hope Dr. Laura never is put in the position to where she will gain weight from meds, a physical condition that makes it hard to exercise, whatever the case may be...But usually somewhere in life you reap what you sow. She being a Doctor makes it all the worse. She should know certain conditions and medications make it almost impossible to lose any weight let alone get to an ideal weight. Shame on her personaly and Shame on her professionaly.

I am personally over weight. I have worked construction with my husbands business the last 10 years. I had to stack plywood vertically on saw horse's. Each one weighing about 50-60lbs. I would stack no less than 50 aday. Restack whole bunks of lumber. stand walls, you name it, I did it for 10 to 12 hrs a day. If that is not exercise I don't know what else is...I am still over weight. I have decided this is the way I am suppose to be. God made me this way. I have 2 arms, 2 legs, my hearing and my eye sight. My brain works most of the time, yes it may malfunction here and there, but I am grateful for what I have. I have made peace with myself. I have more than what I need.

Andrew, the cover of a book is just a cover..if the inside is no good, it does not matter what the cover is like. Then you can have a book with an ordinary cover, but the inside...the inside is magic, the pages will be fondeled, memorized, dreamed about...the adventures that lay inside take you to places you have never been...

Andrew...you are the book with magic inside...always remember that.

Meeg said...

I feel you pain. It can be hard to stay in shape. You just have to try and exercise everyday (I feel like its easier to make the conscious decision to get up and jog or whatever than it is to control your appetite). Also, it's easier to control what you eat rather than how much: try to eat more fruit and vegetables and healthier stuff. When I have a craving for something bad (like say burger king) I try and think of something a little healthier that I would also enjoy eating (like maybe sushi).