Friday, August 10, 2007

Rambling

You know what I love? I love the way Maggie goes ape-shit bananas when any company comes over, especially Rosa, my mother, or my father. I love the smell of frying bacon as it's aroma fills the house in the morning (bacon will probably be outlawed in future generations). I love that first smoke after a restful night of sleep. I especially love my sanity and the calmness it brings to my life. I sometimes forget from were I've come from and how far I have traveled.

This morning, I defrosted a breakfast casserole I had in the freezer. 45 minutes later a steaming casserole dish filled with gooey cheddar, crumbled sausage, and crisp hashbrowns greeted me. The smell was just wickedly wonderful and I was pleased at how good and wholesome it tasted. I then took Rosa home so she could shower and do some things around her house. We pulled up in front of her house with her waving and blowing me a kiss goodbye. I shot by the grocery store near Rosa's house to gather some things for some recipes I want to try today. A cheesy and creamy tuna casserole. A roast, with potatoes and carrots, slow cooked in the crock pot. It is going to be a grand day of cooking and wonderful aromas.

I was thinking about what I wrote at 5 AM this morning about me and Rosa's little exchange before bed last night. Most people, I think, experience wanderlust. My father often says, "I wish I could sell that damn drugstore and drive around the country in an RV without a care in the world." The difference is that people like me and The Homeless Guy will actually act on those impulses effectively sabotaging any gains we have garnered in conventional life. You know the absolute, main thing that keeps me in a home these days? Maggie and Rosa. If it wasn't for these responsibilities then I would be parked down by the river sleeping in my car and occasionally making trips to God's country to camp.

All morning long, I have thought of how conventional society and life keeps us tethered and conformed. It is all designed to keep us behaving and acting a certain way. A person with a family and home is far less likely to commit a life altering crime or default on their loans, or just sleep in their car. Jobs keep us tied to one location for the most part as many of us neither have the time nor the energy to travel or experience the world. I worry about all this and it makes me extremely cynical and paranoid that there is some grand design or scheme keeping people behaving as mindless sheep. If I worked full time, watched the drone of the television for my daily dose of their skewed world, had a brimming family of five to suck up all my time and energy, I would never think about these alternate realities or lifestyles. I would be too tired and worn thin by all the responsibilities.

Now, what I just wrote would drive my father absolutely crazy. There would be cries to go to the psychiatrist to try new meds or up the dosages of my current ones. I long ago quit talking to him about anything of substance. He thinks I am just some poor, pitiful, and stupid(intentionally, by me) mentally ill, ex-alcoholic to be coddled and pitied. I am all, but any of those aforementioned adjectives. I am vibrant, loving, adventurous, unconventional, and truly unique in a world of mindless clones all doing what the other 95 percent is doing as well. It makes me want to embrace my wanderlust and nurture it as a trait to be admired and held in esteem. Oh well, I know some of you might be thinking I have gone off the deep end. You are just getting to read the real me and not the persona I have to portray to the world so as not to be put down, controlled, and medicated. It is all rather frustrating, but I digress.

27 comments:

M said...

Right on!(-: You are a great guy.

Barb said...

I like you just the way you are!

Tiffanie said...

enjoy your day of cooking and you are right about the us being drones... it can and does happen. thanks for the reminder to appreciate the little, "real" things in life!

Girish G. K. said...

Hey , I chanced by your blog randomly. Let me start of by commednign you for wanting to take ur life back in your hands and kicking the bottle and drugs out of your life. Kudos to you.

I have no clue what to say for someone who has gone through so much, but all the very best in what u do.

Peace be
GK

Annabel said...

Yes, we all have wanderlust at points in our lives. I find myself imagining the possibilities once Josh goes to college and I have my own sense of "freedom." It all boils down to choices we make. When we choose to have a family, we make the choice to succumb to that life of mortgages, jobs, and other responsibilities. I don't know that you can blame society as a whole because it is made up of the people who have all made the choice to be in what is considered a typical role. I don't think it's necessarily wrong to want to live outside those conformities. When one makes that choice and causes others to suffer because of it, then it becomes questionable. I'm not sure that your father really thinks those things about you, but I do think he doesn't understand you.
I don't think wanderlust is wrong... you just have to know your own limitations and the reason for it... whether it's because you're seeking adventure, solitude, or running away from something.

GoodbyeCityLife said...

"Our individuality is all, all, that we have. There are those who barter it for security, those who repress it for what they believe is the betterment of the whole society, but blessed in the twinkle of the morning star is the one who nurtures and rides it, in grace and love and wit, from peculiar station to peculiar station along life's bittersweet route."

Tom Robbins in Jitterbug Perfume

Anonymous said...

Hey dude,

Your right on about that family business and ties that bind... I am sure that it is something that developed in the Neolithic / Agricultural Transition Era... a shift from wanderlust to sedantery life style, which tied down BOTH men and women...

the last guy I know of that cut the strings completely and went off to Tahiti was that French painter in the 19th century... left bills and family behind to paint Tahiti women and enjoy life... perhaps I'll make it back to the reality of the 60's and 70's someday, when I was free,

In travels that took many miles
I passed through many files
Of people dressed in clothes clean new
If any saw me they fast withdrew

All my possessions slung around my neck
Hand outstretched, heat tired to heck
I'd lay down to sleep, long side the road
My head resting on my load

The tourists pass in convoys long
Some laugh, some wave, while I sing a song
To remind me that I am out and free
While a dusty man is all they see

Written about Sept 1971...
(btw, the song the year that I wrote this was In an Octupus' Garden in the Shade, I was hitchin through the prairies ;)
but right now it is a struggle... just haven't cut the last ties... still have family, 3500 miles away... did leave 30,000 in debt behind and a life style that was killing me... now starting over again... looking for The Path...

keep on truckin' - and no your not gone off the deep end... just remember to choose your battles, and don't have them chosen for you... not every hill has to be captured... know when to back off... Snow Wolf - UK

found you randomly, will bookmark and peek in now and again...

abbagirl74 said...

Great post today Andrew. I love reading the real you. It's all I have ever known. Your father means well, we both know. He just worries. All of the other kids are farther away. You are the closest one he has, therefore, he will try to be "fatherly" as much as he can. He probably doesn't even know he's doing it. You have a wonderful family. I know you are very proud of it.

Keep your head up booger! Have an awesome day!

bad-dog said...

I have incredible wanderlust, love novelty, want every day to be different, challenging, exciting. Gave up a hugely successful career to do what most people see as "nothing" right now but find it most fulfilling. Does this make me crazy? Then I'd never want to be sane!

KYRIE said...

I love today's post.

There is always something inside me tht hates conventions.

BTW on wanderlust,why do think so many backpackers are wandering through Europe, Asia, Ausie, etc on a shoestring budget? It is the sense of adventure shooting through their veins.

Anonymous said...

Hey Andrew, Snow Wolf again, just did a trip down your postings... thought I had better clarify a few things... at the moment I am not homeless or wanting... in one spot for a bit while I adjust to this Island... been on a trip of sorts for the past 2 years, since I got let go from my job, replaced by a computer program ;) best thing that happened to me aside from the divorce 12 years ago...
for some people being alone, and being able to say good bye, is not a problem, I am one of them... hence the name Snow Wolf... I grew up in Ontario, Canada, on the edge of the wild at that time... the local tribe still brought down their furs for trading at the Hudson's Bay Fur Factor at the end of our road, in the spring... for various reasons, I took to the woods as soon as I was able to, while still going to school and staying at 'home'... I qualify the word home as it wasn't a happy time, nor was school... no safe place... I began travelling at 13yrs old... by the time I was 26 I had traversed the continent 3 times, and seen more than my parents or brother ever saw... I was never in the sense homeless, because where I was was home... then I settled down (could say I had my own Neolithic epiphany) for 20 years... raised a family... but always feeling tied down to the plans of others... their dreams...
now I am working towards my own dreams again... eventually it is hoped, like your writing, perhaps to make a living by doing something for my own pleasure and and to further my dreams (photography)... at 60' I don't see much future in working for the man anymore...
and a note on Rosa, don't give up what you have together... hold onto each other... and talk... don't hide from her... it sounds like you have what really matters there... even if it is just friend, it is a relationship that has deep roots in both of you...

not having learnt to love when I was young it was in my 50's I began asking the question, what it was... well, I never actually came to a difinitive answer... but here is what I call the path to love, for what it's worth...

The Base or Foundation, is Honesty... ever hear the saying the first casualty of war is the truth, well, the first casualty of love is also truth, which is Honesty... Emotional-caring,,, lots of people can care, nurses care, and doctors care, even politicians and lawyers can care in their own ways, but there is not true emotion to it, like your caring for Maggie... Acceptance... taking a person for who they are, not who we would want them to be... Respect, heavy one, because unless we know who the person is, and can accept them at face value, how can we respect them, ie not mistreating them, abusing them, which leads us to Trust... because to be accepted and respected, we are now in a position to be trusting, or trust worthy... and if you treat Honesty, Emotional Caring, Acceptance, Respect, and Trust as an addition question, or a pyramid, then the sum of the total, or the pinnacle is a "Safe Place", a place where we can be who we are; where if your a guy who wears sarongs, then you won't be afraid your girl friend will laugh; or a girl that is ultra smart or good at DIY projects, you won't be afraid your boy friend will look down on your work or feel inadequate... you can disagree and still be friends or lovers, wife and husband... have fights over the tv remote, how to raise the kids, or finances and still go to bed and have the wildest night ever, or go to that camp ground for the week and have a great time... because the fights don't reflect the love for each other... just a difference of opinion...
shame I didn't learn this before I was married ;( this also works on a lot of levels from friends to best mates to lovers and marriage, but also like how we treat ourselves... it is not narcistic to love your self... it is healthy to... it is when we don't love the person we are that we can fall into abuse (whether it be food or alchohol or drugs) or abusive relationships...
someone told me once, that if I can't love myself I can't love others... well, to be honest, that was the hardest part for me... to learn who I am, and to accept that person... I had to go back to my teens to rediscover who I was, where I came from, and my values... that was during the time of the divorce... the Dark Ages, when I moved from the dark to a new dawn...

I can under stand why you might have problems with the idea of becoming an indigent man, wandering the country... ie the shudders... take me for example: I'm 60, health is not all that great, the physical deterioration of those years weighs on me, and at times I feel like 99, less a day... and like you I sometimes let my mind wander to the idea of just packing a few belongings and shoving off, letting the other possesions go... but reality steps in and bites with, uh huh!! so, what happens when your back goes out ( major back surgery at 37) one night while sleeping under an over pass... or your medication (heart) runs out and your having a stroke or worse in the sun or rain, on a mountain highway in Wales... so I have to amend the dream and say ok, well, how about I get some form of independent income and do the Youth Hostel tripping through Britain and Europe on 20 dollars a day...
so that is where I am at right now... working out the path... I have learnt to love myself so that I won't put myself in danger or abuse myself... won't give up my dream, and won't stop being me... which is one and the same thing...
hmmmm just wondering how I got into your site and this... think I was looking up something on Google... perhaps a senior moment ;) anyway, take what you want from what I have said, but don't think too hard on it; it's not holy writ, just the ramblings of someone who stumbled across your paths... don't blog myself, and don't have a lot of friends or acquaintances like you and Rosa, so sometimes I just run at the mouth... perhaps the results of too much time with my own thoughts...

Cheers young Andrew, Rosa and Maggie, Your good people, which at the end of the day, is perhaps the most important thing that can be said about someone... something for me to aspire to... SW

Amanda said...

You sound perfectly sane to me! :)

Avery Nesbitt said...

Great rant! My first time here... and all I have to say is... isn't unconventional and mentally ill the same thins nowadays. Just asking...

Nes

CRUSTYBEEF said...

I think you're absolutely right..
I am the family of 5 and what I wouldn't give to just impulsively run with the wind. Maybe that's why I went skydiving..but the responsibilities of raising children strap me down..and perhaps your father would say that somethings wrong, because scheduled adults are jealous of those that are free spirits..You're 100% correct in everything you just said.

My dream? Open up a coffeebreakfast house and have people read my originial children's stories while having things like: caramel toast, "bird seed pancakes..call it: "early bird house. Breakfast and pastries.
ahhhhhhh...and if I didn't have children, I'd do that dream..that's my wanderlust.

Thank you so much for making me dream, you've made my rather tiresome humdrum frustrating day a fabulous one. You, Mr. Andrew are my therapy..thank you for helping me so.
Have a blessed night, and enjoy that cigarello just before bed just as much as you enjoy the drags off your am one.
Always,
Crusty~

moonrat said...

hey...great blog. you're a great writer. someone very close to me is a friend of Bill and has a similar story to yours... i'll tip him off to your blog.

Button Fuzz said...

Howdy. I stop in and read your blog every now and then.

The theme of conflict with your family is something I encourage you to work hard to get past and reconcile. Issues unresolved will matter and you will have a different perspective when they're not around. Don't wait too long. We're all here doing the best we can whether we see eye-to-eye or not. The actions your father makes have and do impact you, and likewise the actions you make have and do impact your father. We're all in this web together and I don't think cutting ourselves free is the way we're meant to deal with it.

Anyhow, just my $0.02. Have a good one.

FrenchExpat said...

Is that rambling?

I think it's a beautiful piece of honest and artful writing!

I also think you have a lot of insight, and if that makes you unconventional, let it be. You're alive in the best sense of the term!

Oh, and I too love the smells you describe. There's nothing any better than a real US breakfast!

bianconero said...

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YOU GO IN MY BLOG AND YOU WRITE A COMMENT! THANK'S!

CRUSTYBEEF said...

Andrew-
what's up with anon and those bizarre comments? You should moderate your comments. I hope you're not frustrated by this guy/girl and their above posts..
some people just have entirely too much time on their hands.
Always,
Crusty~

Josie Two Shoes said...

I loved this post, Andrew - it IS the real you, with all the positives and beauty and wanderlust and doubts mixed together. That IS how life is! None of us is quite as sane and satisfied as we pretend to be! :-) I love that you can see the many healthy, whole things in yourself - we see them too! There is no reason you, Rosa and Maggie can't go off on a fun camping trip somewhere, sometime. Just do it safely! How I wish I lived in your community... I would hire you to fix a box of take out dinner every night - I bet other folks would gladly too. Reading your posts always makes me hungry - what an awesome cook you are - I bet Rosa loves that!!

Lynx217 said...

I did the wandering thing sorta... and I tell you if I had enough money to eat at least, I'd do it again the moment I don't have anyone else to drag with me. It's so calming and peaceful to just get away from it all and live just for yourself!

Pennsylvania's Best Kept Secret said...

Hey I love your blog here! So interesting, well written, and heartfelt. Thanks for putting this out there.

Eric Valentine said...

Anonymous, very good comments especially the 2nd one. Good refreshing reading particularly for a comment, I enjoyed very much.

Good blob Andrew. :)

promoteyourblogforfree said...

nice blog

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STAG said...

Wherever you go...

There you are.

Karen said...

This is my first visit to your blog and Ive duly added it to my feeds so I can keep coming back for more. It's a really honest and DEEP blog Anrew...you reveal lots of your inner most feelings with compassion and complete honesty.
Phew... there is so much going on in your creative world it blows my mind!