Tuesday, August 14, 2007

In the Deep, Dark of Midnight

I lay in the bed just watching her sleep tonight. She looked so peaceful. My angel was curled up beside me along with her cherub mate, Maggie. I slipped out of the bed to go get a coke and sit out on the porch for awhile. Rosa awoke and followed me outside along with the dog.

"Can't sleep?"

"Having symptoms," I said of my schizophrenia as I sat smoking.

"Tell me what they are," Rosa said as she sat down in the wrought iron chair beside me.

"I see things when I close my eyes and I am feeling paranoid like there are people in the house," I said. "It really screws up my sleep."

"Do you want to take one of your Risperdal?"

"Time will cure what ails me," I replied. "I will feel better in a few hours."

I get scared when this happens and it has happened with more frequency lately. It is hard to describe with words that feeling of paranoia and panic. The heart races as your pulse quickens. Shadows move and take on a life of their own like haunting images in your mind. Colors dance and play out when you close your eyes to go to sleep. It is the most disconcerting feeling when you feel you have no control of your own mind.

Rosa finally grabs my hand and pulls me into the bedroom. We lie down as she holds my head to her breasts.

"Go to sleep," she says. "I am here for you."

Despite my best try, I can't sleep. Soon, she is snoring softly and Maggie is again by her side. I pull the covers tightly over her as I put on my shoes and come into my computer room to listen to the radio and write this. It is going to be a long night until morning. I am lost in the deep, dark of midnight.


Claudia said...

Wishing you peace this night and every night Andrew.

simonsays said...

I'm hoping that your night improves and you have peace. This will pass---:)

Rover said...

I came across your blog by chance and have read most of your archives. I have found your writing extremely interesting and your style fantastic. You have inspired me to start my own blog. I suffer from schizoaffective disorder, so I understand a lot of where you're coming from. I am also on Risperdal. I live in Cape Town, South Africa.

RaeJane said...

My husband's uncle has Schizophrenia.
Not knowing much about it, I stumbled upon your blog.
I am fascinated.
My young daughter has Sensory Integrration and Asperger's.
Early on in my research I read how some young children were diagnosed with SI and later rediagnosed with Schizophrenia.
I don't know how common that is now, but it is comforting in some way to read your blog and your happenings.

I wish you the best.


I hope things improved for you as the sun began to crest through the night sky!! having rosa did it help somewhat? I noticed when you expressed to her your present state, she didn't judge you as you'd fear your father would..that must be an incredible feeling to have someone like that in your life.
You're a lucky man and I hope that things settle down for you!!! :)

Deanna said...

You write beautifully, I haven't read much but I love what I've read. (...live in a car down by the river...I had a friend who always loved that line).
Take care of yourself, and may God Bless you and Rosa.

Stacy said...

I'm so sorry to hear of your awful night. Hopefully it passed and you are feeling good as new.
I have panic attacks and although I've never felt paranoid I feel like I am so alone when it is happening. Hang in there Andrew. We're all pulling for you.

Priyanka Shetty said...

this too shall pass

NATALIE said...

Hope that you are feeling better- you are lucky to have Rosa to talk to, and are also lucky to recognize your symptoms. I'm sorry that you are having a hard time.

mago said...

Round midnight is not the worst time.

Anonymous said...

hey i m lily from singapore. i love your style of navigation, through all the convosations.
basically i love your blog, so fascinating and honest!
send my best to rosa and god bless!