I lay in the bed just watching her sleep tonight. She looked so peaceful. My angel was curled up beside me along with her cherub mate, Maggie. I slipped out of the bed to go get a coke and sit out on the porch for awhile. Rosa awoke and followed me outside along with the dog.
"Having symptoms," I said of my schizophrenia as I sat smoking.
"Tell me what they are," Rosa said as she sat down in the wrought iron chair beside me.
"I see things when I close my eyes and I am feeling paranoid like there are people in the house," I said. "It really screws up my sleep."
"Do you want to take one of your Risperdal?"
"Time will cure what ails me," I replied. "I will feel better in a few hours."
I get scared when this happens and it has happened with more frequency lately. It is hard to describe with words that feeling of paranoia and panic. The heart races as your pulse quickens. Shadows move and take on a life of their own like haunting images in your mind. Colors dance and play out when you close your eyes to go to sleep. It is the most disconcerting feeling when you feel you have no control of your own mind.
Rosa finally grabs my hand and pulls me into the bedroom. We lie down as she holds my head to her breasts.
"Go to sleep," she says. "I am here for you."
Despite my best try, I can't sleep. Soon, she is snoring softly and Maggie is again by her side. I pull the covers tightly over her as I put on my shoes and come into my computer room to listen to the radio and write this. It is going to be a long night until morning. I am lost in the deep, dark of midnight.