Saturday, August 25, 2007

Hearing the Walls

These days, though mostly the nights, have become a blur.  I hear the walls in my sleep, stirring beneath a tent of comfort, hoping they'll quiet. I rarely talk about my mental illness because I don't want this journal to become just another angst ridden diatribe on what ails me mentally. I realize people come here from wanting to read about my illness, though. Sorry to disappoint.  I would rather tell stories of the people I encounter in my life on a daily basis. I want to write about the little joys I have despite the horror that can be my mind.   

Common symptoms these days are extreme panic attacks where only the comfort and help of another can quell. These have become alarmingly frequent as of late. My heart races. The extremities go numb.  My mouth becomes unquenchably dry.  I start to see things in my peripheral vision. It is very scary. I want to run crazily into the night as if I am losing my mind. I am losing my mind.  The difference between now and then is that I don't self medicate with alcohol and compound the problem. I do smoke excessively though. One cigarillo after another is smoked as I try to muddle through the symptoms of late -- the nicotine having calming effects upon my malfunctioning brain.  

Other things bother me. Lactating breasts. Loss of drive and competitiveness. Lack of libido. A ravenous appetite and alarming weight gain. The constant feeling of being stir-crazy. All part of the experience of schizophrenia and the medications I must take to squash this beast within.   And the medications aren't perfect -- sometimes causing as many problems as they cure. I often want to quit taking them -- wishing to flirt dangerously with my schizophrenia rather than having to live with the side effects. My support group of my family and Rosa would wail in protest if I were to do so.       


OneEar said...


Mom's Blog said...

I am not sure if this would work for someone with schizophrenia??? But I have found great success in my battle with panic attack by seeing a cognotive therapist.. Just putting it out there in cause you haven't considered that avenue. I always appreciate it when you post one of these posts about your reality. My prayers are with you... I admire your person.

Josie Two Shoes said...

I appreciate you sharing your reality too, Andrew. Life isn't all pretty and neatly packaged, and it helps to understand your impulses and reactions when we hear more about what is going on inside. It is a sad truth that so often the medications we need to function also have detrimental side effects that we hate. It's a balancing game - weighing one against the other. I have not known schizophrenics who did well for any period of time off medication, have you? So often you sound fairly content with your life now, thought I know it's not perfect, I'd hate to see you lose that new perspective in a schizophrenic meltdown. But I understand the wanting to try. I think it is much like the alcoholic who flirts with one drink, just to see if maybe he can handle it now... usually he can't. Think it thru carefully, I know you'll find the right answers for you. Ultimately, it is your life!


nice blog

Anonymous Boxer said...

Hello - I found you through another blog, and I see Josie also visits.

Just wanted to say I admire your strength and your writing is good. There is a clean flow to it.


I wish I could take away all of that from your life..
My bigdogg suffers from panic attacks, and when he's in the midst of them, there's nothing I can do, yet to hold his hand, or be that person standing by.
Hope this finds you much better than when this post was first submitted!

mosiacmind said...

Hi...WOW can I relate to so so much of what you wrote...for me at times it seems like the walls are breathing....and panic attacks....and I also wrestle at times thinking about stopping my medications...yet I remind myself of what would most likely happen and it is not good. I hope that things are beter now.