Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Dry Your Eyes

It's not often I have seen Rosa cry, but cry she did this afternoon.

"Things are going so well and you want to go and fuck it all up," Rosa said of my leaving to live in my car for a few weeks.

My heart broke. I couldn't take her tears.

"You're not alone anymore and things you do affect others as well. Don't be so selfish," she said. "Go camping for a few days or something, but don't just leave in the middle of the night like some teenager running away from home."

I sighed and just listened. I can be so selfish when I got caught in the throes of my mental illness. I can only think of what pleases me at that moment. It is a heart wrenching experience to see it hurting someone you love.

"Let me come and get you, and you stay with me tonight," I replied. "I really need you."

"I am going to get some clothes together and washed and I don't want to hear anymore of this living in your car crap," she said. "You have a family in me and Maggie, and your father and mother. You have so much. Just don't go throwing it away."

I told her to call me and I would drive down to pick her up. I guess I will get us some supper started. Some chicken and broccoli fettuccine sounds nice to me. I thank my lucky stars for the good people in my life that can talk some reason into me. I began this morning with thoughts of living in my car, and have now resigned myself to just spending some quiet time with my gal tonight. God, I wish I could get rid of this damn affliction and don't wish it upon anyone else in the world. Crazy is as crazy does as the old saying goes. Rosa is a saint for putting up with me.

17 comments:

Michalis said...

good jop!!!

Ellie said...

Rosa sounds like a wonderful gal. You must be so happy to have her in your life. I can only wish the best to you. Hope you can get through this.

C.A. said...

God love Rosa for being the sound voice of reason. Camping, hiking, being outdoors away from home sound great...living in your car, not so great. Those of us who struggle day to day know what it's like to tap dance on the edge...and how comforting it is to have someone like Rosa to pull us back a little when we need it.

Summer said...

No one but you can understand your thoughts and feelings about getting away. Do you think that there might be some sort of compromise? Like camping one night a week? Do you feel that it might satisfy your need? Just a thought from me as I have no idea what you're going through. Though I have to admit I have those feelings too. Not the camping part.

Just breaking free. At the Hilton. Ha! Sweet dreams my friend.

impromptublogger said...

How about getting a tent, packing up the car and you and Rosa go somewhere pretty like the Smoky Mountains or somewhere closer to home if need by. Or go camping on the beach!

But it is a perfect opportunity to get even closer with her. Run away WITH her, not from her.

Don't blow it and break her heart.

Tee said...

Why not pitch a tent in your back yard and if it gets too hot in this awful heat, you can retreat to the inside. That will give you some space for a little while. Don't break Rosa's heart. She's been a great friend and companion to you.

fiwa said...

Good for Rosa. Good for you for listening to Rosa. I do hope you can find a compromise though, a little tent camping time in the woods or something.

Take care of you,
fiwa

Barb said...

I am so glad you got a chance to hear Rosa's heartfelt plea to you. I give you so much credit for spending time with Rosa, hearing her profess her love and desire to stay with you amidst the pain you are in! Keep your head up, knowing this will pass with time, and you will emerge victorious!

Pen and the Sword said...

Please do not take this wrong way. I don't know you and I am not going to pretend to have any idea what you are going through, Andrew, but don't you think it is strange that all of the sudden you are having issues with your illness now that you are in a serious relationship?

I think it is great that you are happy with Rosa, but maybe you should take a small step back. Try to just think of her as a friend for a bit. Take a little break (in your home not your car) and see what that does for you.

I am only saying this because reading your last several posts it almost seems like a building up to something kind of thing and Rosa seems to be the focus.

This is of course just a third party prospective. I could be completely wrong. Just my opinion.

pattycakes said...

rosie is an angel sent to you for a reason , listen to her , she has nothing in her heart but love for you , no motives nothing just love . i know you feel the need to run but it wont do anything but make everyone unhappy including you in the long run
take care

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sweet_depth said...

The people we love are usually the ones we hurt the most. I´m glad you see that you are very lucky, because you have something that most people search for their whole lives.... you have people who truly love you. Although your illness creates some limitations, you can have a normal life, embrace this second chance, make the most of it. You´ve come a long way....
just my opinion

CRUSTYBEEF said...

Rosa is your rock and your reminder to pull you back into reality when things get a bit hectic.
You're very blessed. But don't feel guilt about your thoughts...you're only human. at least you expressed them to her.
You both are made for each other!!
Always,
Crusty~

LAB said...

I'm glad that you are listening to Rosa, but don't lose yourself either. If you need a few days camping out...then do it....but COME HOME!

mago said...

Start to like Rosa.

Iris Blue said...

What you need is called a vacation. Camping is a vacation activity not a longing to be homeless.

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