Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Destination Unknown

It was well after midnight when I awoke, without sleep, and headed out for a night bike ride. Life's soundtrack was Joni Mitchell's Night Ride Home as I peddled the streets of this late night deserted town. These early mornings are when I feel most at peace -- the town's denizens fast asleep. I can put the previous day behind me and revel in the day ahead.

Yesterday was a busy day. I was thinking this night as I peddled through town how I like for my days to be filled with activity. The days my social anxiety overwhelms me and I stay sequestered in my home can make for some long days indeed. I try so hard not to be the hermit that is my natural inclination.

Yesterday evening ended with my mother staying over for about an hour just to spend time with me. It is so heartwarming for me that a family member enjoys my company so that they would drive over and spend such a length of time caught in my mundane small talk. Mom was shaky last night worried my father was upset with her, though. I realize I can play the role of her psychotherapist some days. Like upon Freud's couch, she sits telling me all her problems as I analyze them and give her a pep talk. It is glaring how much of a child she can still be at sixty years old.

That's my goal these days -- to grow up. Far too long I was held captive in the mind of a child. Adult emotions. Adult Feelings. These are all my grandest aspirations. It took me getting sober to realize this. I've heard the old expression of being an adult child of an alcoholic, but how about being an alcoholic adult child? With baby steps, I tackle this undiscovered country that is becoming a man. Rosa notes it best when she tells me, "You're someone I feel can protect me and make the best decisions for our future. You are an equal companion." My ex-wife would probably scoff in horror at Rosa saying that, marking the fact that I was like her child when we were married. Rachel, people change, learn, and grow up.


Josie Two Shoes said...

I absolutely loved reading this self-affirmation, Andrew! The last sentence says it all - "people change, learn, and grow up." I am so glad that you can see how much your concious effort to do just that is paying off. All to often people - alcoholic or otherwise, never grow much past the emotional age of 15. For Rosa to recognize you as an emotional peer is a real compliment, Andrew. Sometimes being grown up isn't all that fun, but it is our destiny. I think you are amazing!


people change-you're absolutely right!!!
great great great early morning read for me..
Hope this finds you well!!

Melissa said...

I too agree with Josie, you are amazing writer, person and as well as supporter. You are taking the journey of life on step at a time unlike myself. I truely love how you take the time and stop to smell the flowers. My life is always so busy that somedays I am not sure what is around me that I am missing. You are just so heartwarming. I love coming home at night to read your blog to read your amazing write skills. Thank you so much for allowing me to see things from a different aspect of life that I so forget to look at.

Keep your head up to the sky and remember there are many people out there who love you for who you are (now and forever.)


Ellie said...

Yes indeed, people do change, learn, and grow up. Others are just not patient enough to watch that happen. They do not want to see you grow as a person, and that it why we must all move on. Very inspiring post. Nice Job.

Lynette said...

You are growing all the time. What you write is so much more effective than when I started visiting here. You keep on doing what you are doing.

Anonymous said...

You are so right, people do change. You are certainly one of those people, changing, learning, growing.