Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Damn, Damn, Damn...

I could feeling it welling up inside me all evening. The panic. The fear. The fright of people. I wanted to curl into a hole and disappear. I tried to gather myself by taking another shower, shaving, and putting on nice clothes - an outfit that would be more socially inconspicuous. I then stood at the door as Maggie watched me. "I just can't do it, girl," I said of my weekly Tuesday night journey to the grocery store. I just couldn't face all those people. The prying eyes. "Isn't that John's son?" "My, he has gained some weight!" "Isn't he the one in the family that is crazy?" These thoughts play out in my mind paralyzing me to the point of tears.

It is almost 9:00. I am safe. I am home. It feels better to write about those moments as if writing them down disarms the anxiety and panic. I am going to go turn down the air, put on my favorite sleeping shirt and boxer shorts, and curl up with Maggie as I listen to tonight's nightly broadcast on WHAS out of Louisville. Good night.

16 comments:

Summer said...

Don't worry.
There is always Wednesday.
Sweet dreams.

CRUSTYBEEF said...

you're in our thoughts. Hang in there.
and if you wake tonight-lite yourself a nice cigarello, breath in and enjoy the silence around you.
hang in there
always,
Crusty~

Imigrante said...

Rock 'n' roll will never die!
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Carol said...

Hang in there, Andrew. This too will pass. Your blog is the first thing I check when I turn on my computer. You are an amazing articulate sensitive writer with a lot to offer the world. We need you kiddo! Hugs.

Carol

Cheryl said...

Isn't it amazing how anxiety can just take hold of you and not let go? Sometimes. Other times, you wonder how you could have felt that way. I hope tomorrow finds you back in charge.

Sorry I haven't commented in a while. I'm trying to catch up. Vacationing can be very time-consuming! I miss you.

pattycakes said...

i have felt this way myself sometimes too , dont worry it will be ok . we all are with you and praying for you . love ur blog its so real and interesting and i feel as if im right along with you on ur lifes journey . sleep well tomorrow will be better your not alone :)

fiwa said...

Sometimes living in a small town can get to you. I hope you sleep well and put it behind you tomorrow.

lovins,
fiwa

KYRIE said...

Rest well Andrew. Take care. Things will seem better tommorow.

Stacy said...

{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}} TO you!!!

Night said...

Just concentrate on the stuff u want to buy...suppose making Rosa some dish - u go out to buy for that, it will help.

Draw strength from your love and you'll never fear.

Ryan said...

Sleep tight.

justLacey said...

We all have those thoughts at some point in our lives. You didn't make it out tonight, but tomoroow or the next day it will be ok. Just remember that. It's only having it take over your life that is becomes and problem. I know it feels like a step backward when you have done so well in the last several weeks, but it's not because the episodes are fewer and far between. You ARE making progress and years from now it may still happen every once in a while. It still does to me. Sometimes when I am just sitting at home doing nothing. I don't fear it anymore though, because I know this too shall pass...

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Matt said...

I know how it feels. yesterday I had to get my first cavity filled and it took 2 hours and a couple xanax just to get me out of the house. Day by day is works sometimes, but hour by hour works better.

rfp said...

Grocery stores are my #1 anxiety inducer. I have left a half-full cart many times because I couldn't take it anymore and had to leave.

Suburban Woman said...

Believe it or not, I feel like that every single day of my life.
I understand what you are going through and I know how this feels with you don't want people staring at you,and you know inside that they will say something about you.
Just hang in there.