Sunday, July 29, 2007


I feel like I shouldn't feel this way. Love. It seems so stereotypical for me to have fallen in love with my best friend. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder and it has, and she has only been gone a day. I miss her smoky voice. I miss the way she asks me a hundred questions and that surprised look upon her face when I answer. I miss the way she will so blithely grab my hand to hold and the warmth it imparts.

I once had a crush on Wanda. I have always liked larger women. My ex-wife was a voluptuous woman and I immediately fell in love with her at my brother's wedding. A.A. complicated matters for Wanda and I. I was new to sobriety and she had recently had a slip up as far as her drinking was concerned after a decade of being sober. It just seemed too soon and too not socially acceptable within our home group. I would lie in bed thinking of intimate moments with her. Not overly sexual. Just times shared together over a good meal and those quiet moments at home only a comfortable couple will enjoy. My vivid imagination now plays out those same scenarios in my mind of Rosa and me.

Rosa called me this morning on her cell phone. I was in the kitchen washing up after breakfast.

"This feels weird," she said. "I feel like an interloper."

"Do you want me to come get you today?" I asked.

"Let me give this some time."

"What's weird about it?"

"I realized I don't really know my daughter," Rosa replied. "We are strangers."

"Well, this a way for you to get to know her," I said. I wanted to tell her to come home to me. We would grill out this evening and sit on the porch, smoke our cigarillos, and enjoy each other's company.

"I'll call you tonight and let you know how today went," Rosa replied and we got off the phone.

I realized Rosa is like me. We are having to grow up and be adults after years of addiction. It can be so scary and uncomfortable. I had written in another post about it being like exploring an undiscovered country and it is. It is easy to fear what is new and un-experienced. Real life is never as fun as the make believe worlds we conjure when using or drinking.

I've fallen in love with my best friend and I don't know what to do. I am scared and elated at the same time. I do know I can't wait for her to get home so I can tell her in person. "I love you," I shall say and hopefully she will say the same back. Ah, love. One of the most confounding of emotions and it still fells good.


Pen and the Sword said...

Again, you blog has left me with the warm-fuzzies. Falling for your best friend can be the most thrilling thing, in my experiences, because you already know you can get along and be with this person indefinitely. A lot of times it is an attraction beyond the physical and the typical. I am very happy for you.

Just to offer inspiration... I married my best friend and we have been together for over 5-1/2 years now. ;o)

justLacey said...

You know she feels the same, don't you? It's too bad you couldn't have gone with her or maybe had them come there until Rosa is more comfortable with them. For me, I am always uncomfortable at someone elses house. Even my own parents. I prefer to stay in a hotel. Something about sleeping at someone's house that bothers me and I don't feel comfortable with others in my home staying over. I am excited to see what evolves when Rosa comes back. I know she will be happy.

Summer said...

I am so happy for you sweet pea.

jacobithegreat said...

I randomly found your blog.
I like the way you write.

I'm glad you have the courage to tell her. :o)

Mary said...

Wonderful, Andrew!! Falling in love with your best friend is the best. I was "single again" for 15 years and vowed that I'd never be otherwise. Time pulled the man who'd become my best friend closer and closer until I realized my life was richer because of him. One day he asked if I thought we should "change our situation" and the rest is history. We've been happy together for 9 years. A slowly built relationship is the best. Go for it.

Stacy said...

I can't wait to hear how things go when she gets back. I'm sure she is going to be so giddy when you tell her that you love her...

Josie Two Shoes said...

This was the happiest post I've read today! I am smiling broadly! I could hear the love in your words about Rosa for sometime now, and I was wondering if at some point you would come to acknowledge it. Love takes many forms, and it most often catches us unaware. You and Rosa have built up a beautiful, caring relationship together, and I too can't wait to hear how she responds when you tell her this! She has already made it obvious how she feels about you. :-)


I'm so happy for you! You know what you want and you do what you can to satisfy that human urge.
Take it slow though..
I look forward to hearing more stories of your "Honeymoon stage" called love!!


P.S. 12 days to go. I hope for Rosa's sake she can stick it's awkward being in someones home, learning more about them..but in actuality she may learn more things about herself as well-like how adaptable she is (Rosa) and how a year ago this never would have been..

Cheryl said...

That's quite a revelation, Andrew. Exciting and scary. I will anxiously await your proclamation and it's aftermath. Best of luck...

abbagirl74 said...

I wish you the best. Rosa is a wonderful woman. You have both overcome such difficult odds. I have a feeling it's going to be a cozy winter! ;)

Eric said...

I am struck by how accurately you describe the facets of your life and the different events. I think, we often are not honest enough with ourselves to be as descriptive as you are and the result is that we miss out on so much. The way you describe the growth process you and Rosa are going through is vivid and honest. I am so glad that Rosa is getting an opportunity to reconnect with her daughter and I pray that the learning process works both ways. We think about Rosa needing to learn about her daughter, but her daughter is learning about her mother as well, and perhaps for the first time, the real Rosa.

KYRIE said...

That is soooo sweet!! I wish u all the best!
Rosa has been through a lot in life n she deserves to have happiness in her life.
May bth of u find happiness again together..
I bet ur world sure looks rosy right now :)

Lily @ Consider the Lilies said...

Oh, I am so happy for you, Andrew. Like a pp, I had noticed the tone in your "voice" when you wrote of Rosa, and wondered when we'd read a post such as this. And I wasn't disappointed! This post has left me with such a smile and warm feeling. Very happy for you!!!

Trying2BMe said...

I've fallen in love with my best friend too, told him, wish every single day that he would tell me in return. I know that Rosa will tell you, mean it and do it completely and unconditionally.

It takes a real man to realize his emotions and be able to discuss them in "public" and a wise man to say those same words to the one he feels it for.

Good luck!