I feel like I shouldn't feel this way. Love. It seems so stereotypical for me to have fallen in love with my best friend. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder and it has, and she has only been gone a day. I miss her smoky voice. I miss the way she asks me a hundred questions and that surprised look upon her face when I answer. I miss the way she will so blithely grab my hand to hold and the warmth it imparts.
I once had a crush on Wanda. I have always liked larger women. My ex-wife was a voluptuous woman and I immediately fell in love with her at my brother's wedding. A.A. complicated matters for Wanda and I. I was new to sobriety and she had recently had a slip up as far as her drinking was concerned after a decade of being sober. It just seemed too soon and too not socially acceptable within our home group. I would lie in bed thinking of intimate moments with her. Not overly sexual. Just times shared together over a good meal and those quiet moments at home only a comfortable couple will enjoy. My vivid imagination now plays out those same scenarios in my mind of Rosa and me.
Rosa called me this morning on her cell phone. I was in the kitchen washing up after breakfast.
"This feels weird," she said. "I feel like an interloper."
"Do you want me to come get you today?" I asked.
"Let me give this some time."
"What's weird about it?"
"I realized I don't really know my daughter," Rosa replied. "We are strangers."
"Well, this a way for you to get to know her," I said. I wanted to tell her to come home to me. We would grill out this evening and sit on the porch, smoke our cigarillos, and enjoy each other's company.
"I'll call you tonight and let you know how today went," Rosa replied and we got off the phone.
I realized Rosa is like me. We are having to grow up and be adults after years of addiction. It can be so scary and uncomfortable. I had written in another post about it being like exploring an undiscovered country and it is. It is easy to fear what is new and un-experienced. Real life is never as fun as the make believe worlds we conjure when using or drinking.
I've fallen in love with my best friend and I don't know what to do. I am scared and elated at the same time. I do know I can't wait for her to get home so I can tell her in person. "I love you," I shall say and hopefully she will say the same back. Ah, love. One of the most confounding of emotions and it still fells good.