Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Against all Odds

The alacrity with which Rosa tackles her addiction never ceases to amaze me. It gives me strength. When you think of someone addicted to crack cocaine, you don't think of overwhelming recovery from that addiction. The odds are usually slim. You rarely hear her bitch and moan about her struggles as well. That is my job, as it was this morning. I can whine and moan with the best of them. It makes me feel better.

"Will you not sit still?" Rosa asked me as she sat on the couch in my den.

"I am struggling something terrible today," I replied as I donned my little radio to listen to the morning news and to pace the floor.

"I really wish you could just drink a six pack and quit," she said. "It would help with that anxiety you are experiencing this morning."

"That's why I always drank," I replied. "I could be content for hours drinking beer – sometimes days. I self medicated. It helped with my schizophrenia I thought."

I woke up with this feeling – a feeling of unrest and uneasiness. A terrible affliction that can be all encompassing as I struggle to resist the urge of driving straight down the road to the convenience store and tanking up on a case of beer.

Last night was better. Charlie came by bringing some homemade vegetable soup and hot cornbread that his wife had cooked.

"I should have never sold you this house," he told me, musingly. "It looks so good that I am jealous."

I beamed with pride. I have been so pleased with this house as well. It is so nice to have a place of my own to hang my proverbial hat. Charlie had also brought me several pictures to hang in various rooms. I was especially pleased with the mural filled with ducks. It looked like something a strapping young bachelor would hang on his wall.

My father arrived at 10 PM to give me my medications for my mental illness.

"I am so glad to see you," I told him as he stepped through the threshold that is my front door. "I was terribly lonely for a moment there."

"That makes me feel so good to hear you say that," my father replied.

We sat out on my porch and talked for an hour until sleep overcame the both of us and he drove home to crawl into the bed and to answer my mother's last questions of the day which she is so apt to ask. I went to sleep listening to a documentary on TV about Rembrandt which aided in inducing slumber. Morning arrived with a flourish of anxiety, social aloofness, and a dull feeling in my mind. Against all odds, I wander through this life one day at a time. Rosa give me strength.

  • C. R. Morris – an email is on the way soon to help you with Google Adsense

  • Annabel – I am working on an email for you as well and will send you my new phone number. I have to call mom and get it. I can never remember it.


shy_smiley said...

you're lucky to have such a strong support network to help you tackle each day: your dad, Rosa, Charlie, Wanda, and don't forget to include yourself! You are your own worst enemy and greatest ally. That's what a lot of the struggle is about: the little devil on one shoulder and the little angel on the other. You're listening a lot to the angel and that's such a good thing.

swenglishexpat said...

Hi Andrew, I found your blog via the 'Next Blog' button and have visited a couple of times before. It is a fascinating read. Like somebody else commented earlier, I like your style of writing. Keep it up! I will return and also put you on my blogroll.

C. R. Morris said...

I know you've said before that you sometimes wonder just how much you should put on your blog. I look forward each day to reading it. I have my own issues and the words you write give ME strength. It's odd the way people that we've never met and probably never will meet can enhance our lives. You are truly blessed to have Rosa and Charlie in yours as I'm sure they are to have you. And thank you so much for responding to my shameless begging. I appreciate it so much!

Portia said...

hi andrew,
it is too easy to self medicate, i know. i hope you find some solace throughout your day.

Ruth said...

Andrew, your posts give me strength. Your friends understand and support you in your battle. In that you are truly blessed. I've read your blog for some time now and look forward to reading about your trek through each day. Many days, as is the case today, we share the same battles.

justLacey said...

You seemed to have such a good night and yet you wake struggling. Perhaps your anxiety medication isn't working. Have you tried exercise or running? Might kill off all that caffeine you consume which never bothered me until I started having anxiety attacks and then I noticed it aggravated them. Working out helped a lot with depression and anxiety, perhaps it would help you too and it certainly couldn't hurt. Let m know if you try it, I would be interested to hear if it helps. So nice of you to help C.R. with her adsense too. I visited her blog yesterday after reading her comment.

Joshua said...

It's so nice for me to have found this blog of yours, it's so interesting. I sure hope and wish that you take courage enough to pay me a visit in my PALAVROSSAVRVS REX!, and plus get some surprise. My blog is also so cool! Don't think for a minute that my invitation is spam and I'm a spammer. I'm only searching for a public that may like or love what I write.

Feel free off course to comment as you wish and remember: don't take it wrong, don't think that this visitation I make is a matter of more audiences for my own blogg. No. It's a matter of making universal, realy universal, all this question of bloggs, all the essential causes that bring us all together by visiting and loving one another.

You must not feel obliged to come and visit me. An invitation is not an intimation. Also know that if you click on one of my ads I'm promised to earn 8 cents for that: I would feel happy if you did click it, but once again you're totaly free to do what ever you want. I, for instance, choose immediatly to click on one of your ads. To do so or not, that's the whole beauty of it all.

I think it's to UNITE MANKIND that we became bloggers! Don't see language as an obstacle but as a challenge (though you can use the translater BabelFish at the bottom of my page!) and think for a minute if I and the rest of the world are not expecting something like a broad cumplicity. Remenber that pictures talk also. Open your heart and come along!!!!!

Barb said...


I wish I was there, to sit with you when you are needing rest. I can put you to sleep with conversation, with the best of them. No advice, No reason to charm you. Peace friend.


Eric Valentine said...

Hi Andrew, it reads like you had a very tantalizing but enjoyable day. Glad you are getting settling into the house. Stick with it my friend. :)

Cheryl said...

If only life could be smooth and easy. In our dreams, anyway. I wonder if some hiking would do you good. I can still picture (vividly)the series of pictures you posted of your walk to the mill. Then again, it's been so hot and humid. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. You know that.

Eric said...

Homemade vegetable soup and corn bread sounds wonderful. I read your blog daily and I have decided that I need to take a vacation and sit on your front porch with you, Rosa, Charlie and Maggie. I know you struggle and I pray for you, but I get a sense of serenity and calm from that porch of yours.