Wednesday, June 13, 2007

The Nemeses Strike Back

My old nemesis insomnia is back. I sat up late last night in my den drinking coffee, smoking my pipe and writing ideas in my paper journal for the blog and my book. I was trying to come up with tales and stories I have never shared upon these electronic pages. I was also plagued by my other nemesis schizophrenia as well. I kept hearing people walking upstairs and talking, and the house would be dark and empty when I and Maggie would go upstairs and look.

“It’s all in your head,” I told myself trying to shake it off.

Still, it feels and seems so very real and is so disconcerting.

I also had an experience with my next door neighbor last night and I am still trying to decide if it really happened or not. The memories of it are vivid enough, but it seems surreal as if it were just a dream.

My father went grocery shopping with me last night. He wanted to make sure I am eating balanced and nutritious meals. My recent rapid weight loss has disturbed him.

“You like salmon, don’t you?” he said at one point as he placed cans of pink salmon in my cart. “Fish is supposed to work wonders for schizophrenia.”

We ambled about Kroger as he picked out items for me to cook and eat. I arrived home with lots of nutritious food, but it was very costly and I cringed when I had to write that check.

We then drove over to Fat Albert’s so I could purchase four of my favorite red hot pickled sausages which are a weekly treat. My father had my nightly medications in his car and gave them to me to take. I washed them down with an energy drink. We then arrived at my house and he left. I rushed into my bathroom and purged those medications into the toilet. I was sleeping all the time and feeling dull, blunted, and dim witted. I am now starting to feel normal again.


ANITA said...

I am sorry that you are going through all of that. Sometimes, medication can be worse than the illness. I know that on a personal level. But some medication is essential, no matter the side effects. You'll figure it out :o)

Insomnia is no fun. I have these issues where one day I will sleep just fine and the next I am up for hours and hours. Insomnia gets hard for me because I have twin toddlers that don't know what, "Mommy didn't get enough sleep," means. My problem is my thoughts run fast in my head to the point where I just can't sleep.

PipeTobacco said...


While I definitely do not want you to feel dull, blunted, or dim witted... I think that purging ALL your medications into the toilet is NOT the answer.

Instead, I think you need to have a heart-to-heart talk with your father... or with your psychologist if your father is unwilling to listen... and explain that you wish to be taken off of or significantly reduced on the two sedatives your father has been trying to incorporate (without YOUR doctor's recommendation... his doctor's ideas do not count). However, you should continue to take the remainder of your schizophrenia medications so that you can feel as good as you generally have these last several months.


Julie said...


I have recently discovered your blog and I liked it very much immidiately!
I think you write very well and I enjoy reading it.

I would like to say, that not taking your medications is not the answer.
I can just imagine how hard your life is for you, and how hard it is to live with such an illness as yours on a daily baisis, but you really have no choice.
You should do the best you can and fight. After all, if God made you this way, then he was probably confident you could deal with it! I think that God was confident you could live your life to the fullest and enjoy them and share your special gifts with the world.

So I am really asking you to continue taking your medications. Do it for your father, do it for yourself.

amelia said...

Have you tried laying off the coffee and seeing if it helps the insomnia?

I know you like it but it really does interfere with sleep and can make you anxious and edgy as well.

Barb said...

Good morning! Let this day be good for you, as that will be my prayer.

I agree with Pipe Smoker. I think that purging all of your meds, is contraindicated at this time. Take the medicine for Schizophrenia, and flush the ones that put you into a stuper! Fish out the good, and flush the rest is my moto!

I havent shopped at Krogers since college, What fun!

Peace, Barb


4th ave-Pipe said exactly what I was going to write here...that is not a healthy approach even if you feel better over all. Purging things intentionally will cause some serious issues with your inner digestive tract..and you think your dad is hounding you now.
Tread lightly my friend, becareful and talk with someone about the sleeping medications. Someone other than your father.

What happened with your neighbor? Do tell.

Iris Blue said...

Insomnia with coffee and energy drinks is not suprising. Both are charged with caffeine to keep you awake.

Don't mess with your 'real' meds. You'll just prove your Dad right that he can't trust you. I would question the ones that are sedatives. These were not prescribed for you.

shysmile said...

Hi, I found this blog at random by pressing the "Next Blog" button! I wish my medication was causing me to lose weight. I've put on 20 kilos! Oh, and there was a story in the press today about cod liver oil working for depression.

SmemanUfo said...

I find it odd that you claim your nemesis insomnia is back. At first I thought you were saying the meds were not working, but later just find out that you sabotaged your own evening by "purging" your medications.

Did you do this to hurt your father for making you buy the expensive groceries, or are you just trying to act up now that you are living in your own place without him on your back door?

You may feel normal for a bit, but if you maintain this path, you will find yourself in big trouble again. Fix it.

Portia said...

Hi again,
My what concern you have drawn from your audience! I agree with those who pointed out that caffiene is bound to wreak havoc on your sleep. Also think it would be a good idea to speak with your doctor privately. Perhaps you could reach out to those who have been attending your support group on Mondays? They are there to gain the support of others as well as offer their own, I'm sure. I think it's fair to say that we all wish we could offer you THE answer you search for, and I know I don't have it. But I will be thinking of you & back to hear (read) how you're doing...

Nicole, Graeme and Janel said...

Hi Andrew
It's been a while since I lasted posted, but tonight I thought I ought to. I have no understanding of how difficult it is to live with schizophrenia or insomnia, so on the one hand I don't feel I have a right to say anything. However, as a regular reader of your blog, reading that you purged your meds really does concern me.

I agree with those who've already posted - your dad is not your doctor and you shouldn't be taking stuff he's prescribed for you without checking it out with your psychologist first. If you're not happy with the sedatives, then talk to your doctor about it.

I know that's easier said than done - that your dad is a very strong personality, that's it's easier to just go with the flow. But going with the flow is not making you happy, nor is it really helping.

You've been doing so much better recently. Don't ruin that by giving in to quick fixes - which is essentially what purging is. Please take your meds (and stay off the coffee and energy drinks after 5pm!), but go and see your psychologist.

I hope you have a better night's sleep tonight!

2 LMZ FARMS said...

Do you think the reason you didn't sleep is the turmiol you have been in with the moving and all? I mean you have been over extended yourself lately. I'm worried about you. Have you talked to your Dr about coming off of some of the meds? I know you feel like you can't talk to your Dad and such. Hope you are feeling better and take care of yourself. It seems like I know you personal and yet I don't. Only through cyper space.

justLacey said...

I have to agree with Pipe too. Purging the meds isn't the answer. Adusting the medications might be, but you need your own real dr. Perhaps this can be a topic for discussion at your group. I know your dad wants the best for you, bt maybe he isn't the one who should be deciding which medication is working and which isn't. I know you said your siblings were drs. perhaps they could recommend someone impartial to be your advocate (another dr.). Do you even have a dr? It seems unclear whether you do or it's just your father and his dr friend.

Rae said...

Hey Andrew,

You mentioned that you bought canned salmon and I wanted to leave you a little recipe for something scrumptious to make with it.

Put the canned salmon in a bowl, add one egg, about a half cup of flour and blend it up. If it is too runny, add a little more flour until it still has consistency to form a patty. Add salt and pepper. Then heat some oil in a pan and make the batter into patties and fry on each side. If you make the patties thin, it really doesn't take more than about 5-7 minutes in the oil.

Hope you get a good night's rest tonight ... and you definitely are wonderful because you do share your life. It is hard to be honest, most people aren't. In the end, you have to make the decisions.

Bless you.


Rae, you and Mr. 4th ave should chitchat about recipes..I reread this again only because my mouth is watering over the curiousity of red hot pickled sausages..(what's that?) It sounds delicious and delightful.
Mr. 4th ave, in addition to what I said above, and like everyone else, only you know what is best for you. Just becareful not to create new bad habits..find solutions to improve your life.
Happy Thursday!
I think I'm obsessed with'd think I was pregnant with all my comments about your meals of choice!! :)

as broken as a dream said...

hello, my name is kiera.
This was my first time reading your blog...
and I enjoyes it very much!
You are a talented writer...
and I am inspired by you for I believe I have a lot of secret issues myself.