My sometimes sponsor, Tim, had just gotten finished scolding me last night for not working the Alcoholics Anonymous twelve steps. I have come to the realization that these twelve steps are nebulous at best. A sponsor is supposed to guide you through them. Maybe I should "fire" Tim and seek another. Don't think the thought has not crossed my mind. Tim does more scolding than guiding.
I am still stuck on step three – made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. I have come to believe in a God, but have yet to come to terms with understanding him. It is hard for a lifelong atheist and agnostic to grapple with such a weighty subject after a lifetime spent ignoring or avoiding such issues. Tim tells me I cannot go forward until I overcome this hurdle which is supposed to be a simple step according to his wisdom. As I have learned in life, nothing is ever simple and I am a complicated man.
I leave Tim to his ruminations as I sit down next to my dear friend Wanda. She smiles and gives me a hug and gets up to go fix me and her another cup of coffee. The meeting starts with a reading of the twelve steps and twelve traditions. There was that step three again as if it were taunting me – as we understood Him echoed through my mind. I spent the rest of that long hour deep in thought as I mulled over what I heard people share.
As I walked home after the meeting, I entertained notions of Gaia or Mother Earth as the God of my understanding. It certainly fit my philosophy of life and humanistic leanings much better than the pretentious claptrap that are most organized religions. My sponsor would howl and scoff at my unorthodox views though. It finally all grew too painful and tiresome to think about and I finished my walk home with thoughts of pickled sausages and Garcia Vega cigars. I decided to leave such weighty subjects for another day. One day at a time as they say in A.A.