Thursday, May 3, 2007

That Old Demon Arises

My old nemesis schizophrenia hit me hard today thus no posts or writing. I spent most of the day in bed trying to sleep off the funks. My mother came over four times to check on me. Rosa, who has a key to my house, came over and crawled into the bed with me. It was very welcomed and I was having such a hard day that I needed the comforting company of another.

Had a spurious argument with my father tonight. I had missed my injection for my schizophrenia.

"Leave me alone," I told him. "Just leave me the fuck alone."

"I pay your bills. I do everything for you," he said.

"I didn't ask you too. You took all that upon yourself so don't fucking blame me. Just don't do it anymore."

"I am going to cut off your internet," he then said.

"Fucking cut it off," I replied as I slammed the door shut.

15 comments:

Cheryl said...

That was your demon schizophrenia talking, and your dad knows it. Was it because you missed your injection? I'm hoping that you get your meds back to normal, and that Friday is a much better day for you. I'll be waiting to hear.

SimplyTim said...

Andrew,

Well, not quite no writing since you wrote this post. There is a part of you which wanted to continue practising your art and keeping open connections to others.

Would it miss the mark by too many miles if someone offered: "well if your old nemesis schizophrenia hit you hard today, roll with the punch as well as you can, and what better time to write about your daily life than then, too?"

As they encourage in Tai Chi, yeild, maintain your root and don't give away your center.

Tim

La Bee-yotch said...

hang in there, andrew.
ride it out.
but don't forget to take the help (injections) being held out to you.
you yourself have said taking the medication helps, so why not let your father give it to you?
hope you feel better very soon. you are quite brave.

Terroni said...

I don't have anything to add to all the wonderful words of wisdom and encouragement here. I'll just send you a "Hang in there, friend." I hope you feel better soon.

Summer said...

I'll think about you today.

justLacey said...

i can only imagine how hard it must be to be you. on that same note though, it must be very hard for your parents also. i think your dad must be pretty wonderful and though he knows that is your schizophrenia talking, it can still be hurtful. when you are feeling better, let him know how much you love him. parents really just want their kids to love them and he's doing the best he can.

Melanie said...

I hope it's not a serious threat, the internet thing. It seems a good outlet for you and I hope he realizes that. Hopefully you can get that injection before things snowball too much. Wishing the best for you, mister.

DLL said...

Your father is scared. Trying to be controlling is his coping mechanism to counter his fear, imho. You hang in there, please. Know that so many think of you and wish you well even in your worst of moments and trying times. Di :)

nee said...

this will pass too.
tomorrow will be another day--

Rich said...

Hopefully tomorrow will be better for you. One day at a time or even one minute at a time small goals are what get's you there.

PipeTobacco said...

Sir:

While I can agree with many of the above comments and can sympathize with the parental role to his offspring... what I cannot abide and think is rather obnoxious is how your father repeatedly attempts to stab you "where it hurts" with threats of removal of this or that. This time it is your Internet, the other time it was your freedom, still another time he threatened you about Maggie... and the list goes on and on. It is that one aspect of how your father treats you that I think is abhorrently wrong.

It is not the way you or anyone should be treated by their own father. Threats are wrong.

I hope today is far better for you. And, if you have not done so, I would strongly encourage you to get the bimonthly shot you mention.

PipeTobacco

Eric Valentine said...

I agree with all that has been said. I leave you with this thought Andrew and good luck.

Light shards, pierce.
The early morning Night-
Another Day – A New Tomorrow.
Eric

STAG said...

(mostly in responce to your smoking post a few days ago, but still valid here....)
In my archives of MY blog, I wrote about how the lines between mental illness, poverty and petty criminality blur at 6 AM outside Bail Court. None is cause and effect for the other, of course, but it is true that "poor people smoke". My ma would say "yeah, thats why they are poor!". And when she ended up in the mental hospital, she allowed that "yeah, poor folk and mentally ill people smoke".
Ya got to be careful in drawing parallels though. Ya start thinking stupid things like "Well, I am still smoking because I am a weak person, therefore people who are poor are weak persons too". Or even stupider...."people who are schitzophrenic are weak people, and only have to buck up to be better". That line of thinking is bogus. My poor ma never DID beat her demon. Us kids just tried to understand. She used to call it a monkey clinging to her back. Churchill, the Prime Minister of England called it his "black dog". So Andrew, you are in good company!
For me (and I can only speak for me!) smoking was one of the three or four socially acceptable methods I was using to suicide. The stress was so great from the military, and from a sick ma, that part of me just wanted it all to end. When I confronted myself (really, I used a mirror!) about that, almost overnight, tobacco, alcohol, and drugs lost their hold on me. Once the physical effects were dealt with (a couple of weeks), I became smoke free. I drink a glass of wine once a month or so. I never feel the urge for a joint or a hit. Its been 26 years now. Once in a while, when the black dog comes into the room, I want to light up, but somehow, I find something else to do instead.
But I still hung onto the motorcycle.

This method worked for me. Don't know if it would work for anybody else, but it is worth a shot!

fiwa said...

I wondered if that was why you were quiet yesterday. Take those medications, get lots of sleep and eat well. Take care of you.

love,
fiwa

Moonlink said...

Think about personal responsibility, clear priorities, good communication, and the value of loving relationships.