Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Sometimes You Need Help

I have always been notorious for going it on my own. The rigors of my mental illness and addictions have caused me to become more humble over the years when asking for aid. I was having a terrible go of things with regards to my schizophrenia and my alcoholism this afternoon. It didn't help that I had over one hundred dollars in cash in my wallet left over from I and Rosa's night out. I was just beside myself with agony and agitation so I called my father a moment ago.

"Dad, I need your help," I said, shakily.

"What's wrong, son?"

"Will you keep my wallet tonight? I have driven down to Fat Albert's three times to buy beer, but managed to resist. I just don't trust myself with money at the moment."

"Walk over and I will unlock the backdoor."

I walked the short distance to my father's house and took a seat in the den as I handed my father all that money and my credit cards.

"I am so proud of you," he said as he sat down on the floor next to me and held my hand. "You did the right and responsible thing."

"I hate to bother you," I replied. "I just need some help."

"I know," he said as he squeezed my hand. "You just let me help you."

"Have you had some good comments on your journal today?" he then asked. "I know how important that is to you."

"I am so lucky," I replied. "I have some of the coolest and most supportive people reading my blog."

"What have you done today?"

"I spent a long time down at the shopping center with George and Rosa, and then Rosa came home with me for awhile."

"She doesn't take advantage of you and your condition does she?"

"No way – we are the best of friends."

Luckily, my father knows little of Rosa's past or he would be aghast at the company I keep.

"Let me give you something to take that will make you feel better," he told me as he got up to go into his bathroom.

"Now, this is going to knock you out and don't you dare tell your brother and sister I gave you this much to take," he said, handing me three Xanax and three Librium. "I want to see you take it."

I walked into the kitchen and took the pills with a glass of water as my father watched.

"You go home, go to bed and get some sleep," he said as he gave me a hug. "You will feel much better when you wake up."

I thanked dad, gave him one more hug and walked home. I am already feeling those medications and a sense of calm and a feeling of tranquility has overcome me. It is some much needed relief as I was quite literally beside myself. I hope I will be able to sleep soon.


fiwa said...

Good for you for asking for help. And for turning back 3 times - you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

I hope you have a really nice, long sleep, and wake up feeling better.


Mom's Blog said...

Your amazing...

Townie Girl said...

I don't know if I would be strong enough to do something like that. I don't even know you and I am very proud of you!

Josie said...

Awesome choices, Andrew! It's so hard.. and yet you DID It! And you reached out for help when you needed it. I'm cheering for you! :-)

Moonroot said...

I too find it hard to admit when I need help - and I so admire you for knowing when to ask. I agree with fiwa, you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for.
Wishing you a good, restful night's sleep and an easier day tomorrow.

senseibasil said...

It's a very good thing you've done there Andrew. The issue is not whether you can be trusted with money its all about whether your an responsible enough to take things in a right way. But you did good Andrew.

Just an advice though it is safe to carry a credit card which is an secured credit card but on cash thing carry less for when its gone it really gone.

Moonlink said...

Good work, Andrew. You made a good decision.

Rae said...

Sleep well, Andrew. May you wake up with gratitude and clarity.

That's a great dad you've got there, and he raised a son who is strong enough to ask for help. Thanks for setting a good example.

2 LMZ FARMS said...

I'm proud of you. Hang in there. I know that you will come out on top. Hope you have a nice rest. Take care.

Maria said...

I hope you were able to sleep.

Lovely post, by the way.

Eric Valentine said...

There is no shame in asking your father for help Andrew. Once again you have stregthened the bond between you and he.

Sleep well my friend.


Sharon said...

Andrew, you have prevailed this long against all odds. Please continue to do so and give us all hope for those we love who have the same affliction.


Cheryl said...

You know I like your Dad...he took care of his boy. I'm proud that you were strong enough to ask for help. I hope you had no adverse reactions to the meds.

IGNITE said...

Hey.. liked the new look very much :-)

EE said...

Good job, Andrew!!!!

Tim H. said...

Great job on saying 'no' to your demons. Get some Z's and I hope you feel better tomorrow!

PipeTobacco said...


I applaud you for asking for help. That was a very good thing. However, I disagree with the help you were given. And I am a bit suprised that after over a dozen comments, no one even mentioned the "medication" you were given. Your father said:

"Now, this is going to knock you out and don't you dare tell your brother and sister I gave you this much to take," he said, handing me three Xanax and three Librium. "I want to see you take it."

All he did, was simply dope you up so you would be drugged into a stupor and not able to move or think. That is pretty much what you have stated he does to your mother all the time.

How is this any different (if not worse) than drinking? When I read his response and the sheer QUANTITY of drugs he gave you, I could not believe it. Xanax at that sort of dose is akin to recreational use of that pharmacutical agent. The state of relaxation, anxiolysis, disinhibition and euphoria induced by benzodiazepines like Xanax (and Librium) makes them a medication that has found its way into the street drug market. Librium is another benzodiazepine and has similar tendencies to induce euphoria at that sort of level.

I find your father's actions very disturbing... even if he may at some level want to do what is "best" for you.

I am not sure what else to say.


~~ Lily ~~ said...

Hey, Andrew. Something about your blog has me coming back.

Big proud hugs to you for resisting 3 times. I don't last that long against brownies. Very proud of you. And you've got a great dad, there. I'm happy you have someone to count on.

Everyone else is right - you're stronger than you give yourself credit for.

KYRIE said...

First of all, I want say tht I am very proud of u! Giving ur cash 2 ur dad shows ur resolution n strong determination plus ur drive n focus to stick 2 ur goals!
I do however agree with PipeTobacco. The meds are just too much! I do hope u didnt go driving with George last night in tht condition. I am guessing u gonna feel woozy for 2 days! U dad is a very good man. Whenver I read about him n how much he is there 4 u, he always reminds me of my own late father n how much I miss my dad. But Andrew, the next time u might deal with these problems, would not it be better if u just sat there talking 2 ur dad the whole day instead of taking those meds. I know it is damn tough but would not it be better if u face ur demons in consciousness afront. Of course yesterday was difficult n u do need some rest,but those meds were 2 much.

Sword said...

My Bonsai garden of tropical Thorn treess doesnt grow much taller but much beautiful, Watching them shape over into one awesome panorama gives me inspiration only second to reading your Life journey trials and tribulations. You get the cake Andrew.

Summer said...

It was good for both of you that you asked for help. But, I am concerned as well, about the amount of drugs you were given.

I think that you are awesome Andrew.

amelia said...

I think Dad ust wanted to knock you out till the feelings had passed.
It does seem like a lot of meds but with Dad handing them out they're controlled whereas with drinking ithere is no control.Especially to an alcoholic.
Good for you Andrew, keep on asking for help!


Having a brother that is an addict, you can't help but replace one bad habit with another. (hence the cigarello's) but having your father enable your addictive personality by giving you med's versus sitting down and walking you through the urges isn't the best form of action. I know he means well, as all parents do, and he's so conditioned to open his hand for your mom to swallow her meds'-but sleeping away the urges won't make it better. It's just a temporary fix to a demon just waiting for the chance to get you.
BUT, I am glad that you sought out help when you needed it(to your dad for that matter, I know that wasn't easy-especially if he were to go all judgey judgerson on you-)he helped you, and you're feeling better.That's a good thing.Just promise your readers and promise yourself that you won't engage in pill swallowing to ease the demons..PROMISE us, pulhease! We'd be turning in circles at our 'laps' and desktops if you were too medicated to write this marvelous blog.
Rest well, Andrew, this will pass and you'll have a good day today.

Tory said...

I can only imagine what a struggle it is everyday for you, Andrew.
Just keep at it, you're doing great.

Autumn said...

I'm glad you managed to resist buying the beer. Good for you.

As for the medication your dad gave you, I think he meant well. But maybe, reduce the dosage in future so they won't knock you out cold but will help you cope better with the anxieties you are feeling. But of course, it would be best not to take them at all if you can manage to find other "diversions" that will help you relax. Your dad will understand if you explain to him the apprehension about too many medication but you must show him you are able to manage without them, of course.

Hope you're well rested and my best wishes to your well being.

zirelda said...

That's a lot of Xanax. But I'm not sure of the dosage really. I used to take it for panic attacks. I was supposed to take three a day but can't imagine how anyone could function on that much of it. I once took two at a time and slept for almost 24 hours straight.

You did really well reaching out Andrew.

BRiE said...

Hi Andrew...i just found your blog and love it.
This post was beautiful, i am glad you could ask your father for help...and he was able to help you.
I hope you have a wonderful sleep and wake feeling rested.
Have a wonderful day.

I'll be back...

austere said...

3 of each is way too much in my opinion but your system is used to worse I guess.

Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Well done. Thanks for sharing the journey. We rejoice at your victories.

C. R. Morris said...

That took a lot of strength. I am always amazed by strength like that.

Blue Gardenia said...

I honestly believe that Schizophrenia is better than alcohol addiction. But I also believe that Sz gives us lack of impulse control and compounds addictions. So how can you win? Just as you have done. Fight it one day at a time. Andrew, you have a big dose of goodness in you that was measured out in heaven, or some such place.

Rae said...

Anyone else want to admit to being codependent and worrying that we haven't read a word from the eloquent Andrew today?

I do hope you are sleeping soundly, Andrew ... and that someone ... Rosa or your dad has checked in on you.

All my best,


Will said...

Andrew, I don't know why you're writing this book about the great depression era - a schizophrenic with a protective, pharmacist father who lives in an ostensibly middle-class setting but still hangs out with drunks and ex-prostitutes from his darker days is literary ground so fertile that I don't know how you can resist the urge to mine it beyond the completely non-fictional.

That being said, to remain non-fictional, good for you and resisting temptation. It may not be great to simply trade one drug for another, but I don't know that any truly serious problem ever has a perfectly edgeless way out...

mago said...

Six of this sweeties is a little heavy I guess. Should put a horse to sleep. So your next post could come up Friday ...

abbagirl74 said...

Wow, you never cease to amaze me.
Here is a quote from Abraham J. Heschel that brings this situation some perspective: Self-respect is the fruit of discipline; the sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself.

You are truly a genuine man. Love ya!

j. said...

Thanks for the good luck wishes, Andrew. I'm happy to be done with my exams! It's great that you have your dad to count on when you need to ask for help, though I can definitely relate to wanting to go it on your own!

-j. (from

Josie said...

I'm missing Andrew's daily update too rae. Hopefully we'll be hearing from him tomorrow!

Minarwan (Min) said...

I just want to say hi and thanks for stopping by to my blog (so that I know there is a very cool blog outthere) :)

Will come here more often when I have more spare time.


justLacey said...

You really are doing a great job! I'm so glad, as I know you are, that your dad is there for you. Also glad that you don't let the things that he does that bother you keep you from turning to him for help. Have you ever noticed that it's always hardest to ask for help when you need it the most?

somebody's dream-body said...

Hi Andrew!
I've been reading, sorry I haven't commented in awhile.
Like everyone said, that shows so much strength to have asked for help. I have been in your boat with addiction, and as my parents live just a mile away, I could and should ask for their help when I need it. But the pride gets in the way. This is something I really need to work on, and you are a great example!
As for the Xanax, as a person who has both abused benzos and been prescribed them later for anxiety.. As far as the dosage, yes "three pills is a lot," but at the same time no one can really say that without knowing the dose. I mean, three .25mg pills would be a LOT less than just one 1 or 2 mg pill. I agree that combining two benzos with the intent of making you pass out may or may not have been the best.. but at the same time, I struggle with mental health symptoms, have been diagnosed as bipolar, and am not currently on any meds. I know the addiction complicates things, but sometimes I feel like I would rather die than live the way I am living and feel what I am feeling- I'm sure many of us have been there who struggle with addiction and mental illness. I think people have a tendency to say that we need to learn to deal with our feelings without meds, but I think it is a tough distinction, as there are people whose brains do not work normally without assistance, and to deprive them of being able to feel okay is not helpful to anyone. Just my thoughts, it is a complex issue and I wish you all the best!!


糖尿病 said...

I don't remember the priest telling me when I went to Confession when I was a kid, "Well, Lance, it was wrong of you to disobey your mom and talk back to her like that, but since you set the table every night and do your homework and sent your aunt a birthday card, what the heck! You're a good kid. Your sins are forgiven automatically. No need for you to do any penance." 糖尿病 文秘 心脑血管 糖尿病 高血压 高血脂 冠心病 心律失常 心肌病 中风 偏瘫 心力衰竭 神经衰弱 脑出血 心肌梗死 动脉硬化 风湿性心脏病 脑瘫 癫痫 老年性痴呆 先天性心脏病 心脏瓣膜病 低血压 心内膜炎 雷诺综合征 脑血栓 血栓性脉管炎 周围血管异常 肺心病 心绞痛 脑梗塞 低血糖 And maybe it's happened a few times and I haven't heard about it but I can't recall a judge ever letting somebody walk on the grounds the crook was a good guy and his friends really like him.