Still trying to catch myself and process all that has been going on the past few days. Have doubled up on my Risperdal at night to combat my symptoms and it seems to be helping. My mind is in shutdown mode and it is hard to take it all in. The paranoia is still there - like some unwelcomed guest that will not leave or go home.
I drove over to my new home today and thought I was being followed. What normally is only a ten minute drive, took thirty with my weird route to dissuade my followers – the police – men in black suits with dark sunglasses. Prying eyes seem to be upon every corner and citizens are looking out of their houses to watch me pass with phones at the ready in their hands – waiting to call the police. Is all this happening? No, but you can't tell me that when it occurs. My surreal reality is just as vivid as real life at hand.
Left my new home this morning and drove over to our pond. The sun decided to make an appearance today after a week of mostly cloudy skies. Those glorious rays shining down upon me made me smile and brought forth a bellowing feeling of gladness from within. God's country and our pond were just as calming and peaceful as I always had remembered them. Squirrels ran through the big hardwoods lining the pond as fish broke the placid surface of the water in search of an easy insect meal. I berated myself for not bringing my tackle box and fishing gear so I could cast in a line with a lure. Some corn meal coated and pan fried bass or bream would have been a nice and economical supper garnished with coleslaw, hushpuppies, and French fries. I could see numerous fish at the water's edge as if they were taunting me.
Managed to create an uneasy peace with my father last night. I told him he must give me a little space when I get to feeling ill. He was comforted by the fact that I came over and voluntarily took the numerous pills I have to take every night. We had a long discussion about what really started World War II and the consequences of the Treaty of Versailles at the end of the First World War that left Germany economically crippled. German citizens were actually carrying wheelbarrow loads of German marks just to pay for sundry items such as bread. Hitler's desperate rise to power arose out a sense of desperation from a populace carrying little hope. War breeds jobs and economic vitality for the victor. Hitler's plan backfired though when the juggernaut that was the 1940s US military geared up and entered the war. It is eerily similar to Bush, 9/11, and the rush to invade other countries to protect our "freedoms" from nonexistent weapons of mass destruction. Oh well, my paltry words will do little to persuade a public so jaded by the frenzied propaganda machine that is modern media.