Saturday, May 5, 2007

Processing…

Still trying to catch myself and process all that has been going on the past few days. Have doubled up on my Risperdal at night to combat my symptoms and it seems to be helping. My mind is in shutdown mode and it is hard to take it all in. The paranoia is still there - like some unwelcomed guest that will not leave or go home.

I drove over to my new home today and thought I was being followed. What normally is only a ten minute drive, took thirty with my weird route to dissuade my followers – the police – men in black suits with dark sunglasses. Prying eyes seem to be upon every corner and citizens are looking out of their houses to watch me pass with phones at the ready in their hands – waiting to call the police. Is all this happening? No, but you can't tell me that when it occurs. My surreal reality is just as vivid as real life at hand.

Left my new home this morning and drove over to our pond. The sun decided to make an appearance today after a week of mostly cloudy skies. Those glorious rays shining down upon me made me smile and brought forth a bellowing feeling of gladness from within. God's country and our pond were just as calming and peaceful as I always had remembered them. Squirrels ran through the big hardwoods lining the pond as fish broke the placid surface of the water in search of an easy insect meal. I berated myself for not bringing my tackle box and fishing gear so I could cast in a line with a lure. Some corn meal coated and pan fried bass or bream would have been a nice and economical supper garnished with coleslaw, hushpuppies, and French fries. I could see numerous fish at the water's edge as if they were taunting me.

Managed to create an uneasy peace with my father last night. I told him he must give me a little space when I get to feeling ill. He was comforted by the fact that I came over and voluntarily took the numerous pills I have to take every night. We had a long discussion about what really started World War II and the consequences of the Treaty of Versailles at the end of the First World War that left Germany economically crippled. German citizens were actually carrying wheelbarrow loads of German marks just to pay for sundry items such as bread. Hitler's desperate rise to power arose out a sense of desperation from a populace carrying little hope. War breeds jobs and economic vitality for the victor. Hitler's plan backfired though when the juggernaut that was the 1940s US military geared up and entered the war. It is eerily similar to Bush, 9/11, and the rush to invade other countries to protect our "freedoms" from nonexistent weapons of mass destruction. Oh well, my paltry words will do little to persuade a public so jaded by the frenzied propaganda machine that is modern media.

10 comments:

Dave said...

Hey Andrew,

I have no ability to help you when you feel like this. Your father probably doesn't either. I pretty much think that he wishes he did.

Within your ability to do so when you are feeling this way, give him some slack. His pushing is the result of his love and fear. Between the two of you, there might be a way to deal with it and enrich the relationship.

Jenn said...

Hang in there, A. This too, shall pass.

SimplyTim said...

Andrew,

Isn't it interesting: you have come to know the world of paranoia and how it creates a surrealistic web not based in reality - and it disturbs you.

Compare that now to the frenzied propaganda which came from a certain oval room and those behind those doors of power. Those lies and distortions were picked up and promulgated by an all too willing media machine which had been seduced by their own importance and the monetary value of their ratings.

Our collective reality was shaped and influenced by those distortions and misrepresentations.

Maybe the difference is that you know how wrong it is and feel the pain from the intrusion.

We (collectively) passed our pain on to people thousands of miles away and the sanitized "reality" of what happens over there is presented through a glass tube. Even that is filtered to insulate us from that horror.

Thus endeth my heartfelt rant.

Be well.

Tim

La Bee-yotch said...

andrew
you are making your way through this difficult time very well. i am glad that you are doing things to take care of yourself, like going to a pretty place you like and enjoying being there. i think that might help as much as your meds. don't give up on your process or your dad.

DLL said...

My favourite line:

"like some unwelcomed guest that will not leave or go home. "

when you feel better please check your email for something from me? no pressure :)

Di

Moonlink said...

You have engaged a following of loyal and caring readers who are drawn in by your wonderful writing skills, and who are hooked by your honesty. Congratulations, on being listed for two weeks on theAussiejourno's Weekly Blog Awards. It's an accomplishment that I hope rewards your commitment to staying well. Fight the good fight, Andrew. XOXO

Summer said...

Hey Sweetness... I thought of you tonight when I went to the store to buy for dinner. I made pan fried talipia, coated in corn meal and just a bit of bacon grease to flavor it. I made corn bread, rice pilaf, broccoli and cole slaw. I wish I could have share it with you, but no doubt it wouldn't be as good as yours!

Sweet dreams tonight.

Blue Gardenia said...

The dogs of paranoia have been howling for me too as well as audio hallucinations. The great outdoors will assuage these symptoms.

Cheryl said...

Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you, as always.

KYRIE said...

Just hang in there Andrew. U hv the strength within ur soul n spirit 2 get through this however tough this period seems. I believe in u!
Take some good rest. U need it as ur going through a very tough battle. Watch a light hearted comedy perhaps . Listen to some sweet music. Just cast aside ur worries for couple of hours and let ur mind n heart relax. N eat a lot of hot meals.
Ur friend,
Kyrie, who is always there if u need a good laugh!