Friday, May 18, 2007

One Pill Too Many

Rosa was giving me a hard time about my new medications this afternoon. My father took it upon himself to call his doctor friend and get me two new prescriptions for Xanax and Librium. I am to take them three times a day.

"I don't want to see you doped up," Rosa told me, worried.

"I have such terrible nerves, though," I replied. "Maybe they will help me."

"You will just sleep all the time," she said. "I used to take that shit and all it did was to make me hungry and sleepy – kind of like smoking dope."

I was caught in a corner and couldn't escape. My father will expect me to take all those pills every night with my medications for my schizophrenia. I didn't tell Rosa this, though.

"Will you promise me you aren't going to take that crap?" Rosa asked as we walked home from Rodger's Barbeque after lunch.

"I promise," I said, hoping I wasn't lying to my best friend.

The honest truth is that I want to feel different. I want to take those pills and sleep away my existence. I get so tired of dealing with my schizophrenia, my social anxiety, and my shaky nerves that I would welcome the escape. I realize I would just be substituting another substance for alcohol, though.


fiwa said...

I don't know what the right answer is for you. But I'm thinking of you, and wishing you much love & peace.

KYRIE said...

Please dont take those pills! We all hv problems but sleeping thm away can never make those problems go away. In fact it creates a state of denial.
U are a tough n strong guy. N I know u hv the strength in u to face ur issues upfront in full consciousness!
There was a time in my life, eventhough we go through different issues, I felt the same way as u do know. Without financial aid for college and taking one to many gap years, I thought what is the use. I skipped meals, slept all day, lived like a hermit, n I went for weeks without talking or seeing anybody. My life was my studies and the prospect of it being taken away frm me made me lose faith in life. I had already lost my father. I had nothing n I just gave up. But I now I trying again to follow my dreams step by step. It is a still very long journey for me.
Life may seem bleak and senseless Andrew but u cant give up. Taking those pils is akin to losing urself. Do not do tht urself.

Tory said...

Oh Andrew, you really are in a bind. I know your father will expect you to take those pills and it would be hard not to take them without getting into it with him. Maybe if you just explained that you just couldn't enjoy your life as much as you do if you had all those meds in your system.
Try talking to your dad before you take those pills.
Take care

Blue Gardenia said...

Your father expects too much. He has to get over your illness. I believe he may be considering too much what your Schizophrenia is doing to him and not you. But I still believes he is doing right in trying to stem the tide of your addictions. A quandry. In dealing with your father, be strategic. Be positive, show him you're trying and do't let him know everything. Too many psyche drugs are hard to take. I'm pulling for you Andrew,

zirelda said...

I wonder if you can come to a compromise wherein you take them when you feel like you need them.

You are right when you say that you would be substituting one drug for another. But I also think that everyone should have help available when they need it. That is not to say "get totally blasted when life gets tough"

Rae said...

Andrew, first of all ... it's so good to hear from you again and to know that you rested well and were back in the company of Rosa.

You don't have to lie to anyone. Remember in recovery they tell us ... we're only as sick as our secrets. Your dad is trying to help, because he feels helpless, he loves you and wants your life to be as good as it can be. Like my husband who always thinks he has to have the answer for me ... he is using the only thing he knows to help you, which is pills.

But there's only one person who knows what's best for you, and that's you. Not Rosa, or your dad, or drunk ol George.

Think things over, if you have a sponsor in AA talk it over with him, and then talk to your dad if you need to and say, Dad, this is not the answer for me.

I wonder, Andrew, has your dad ever gone to any Al-Anon meetings?

Cheryl said...

I'm surprised with your father's decision to medicate you. This is really tricky, and I'll wait to hear how it plays out. I can understand your desire to escape through drugs, but you're stronger than that and you know it. What a quandary.

Maria said...

Wow...Rosa is right. The combination of those two drugs will set you on a very sleepy ride.

What do you really WANT to do?

mago said...

It never ends. Adapting to a new situation. Changing one thing leads to other changes. If you do not have lost the contact to yourself - whatever that may mean to a schizophrenic man - if you want to use this and doing pills does not drive you out of your head ... What are the (bad) side effects for you? Weigh it.

PipeTobacco said...


Your father is again trying to dope you up to such an extent that you will be like your mother.... whom you have said he overmedicates and has done so for years.

When you acquiese and do as your father says, you will end up in an unending fog... whom does this help? You? Not really. You know in your hear that you do not want to become that. It helps your father.... because you will be "easier to handle".

I am very frustrated and disturbed you are actually thinking of going on that regeime permanently.

You know your life is a helluva lot more important and valuable than simply becoming a semi-comatose robot who does what your father wants and doesn't make a fuss. Perhaps the next step will be that your father will want you to put into a facility.... just like he suggested last year? With all the Xanax and Librium you will be taking, will you still be willing to resist his attempts to do that?


Summer said...

Hmmm. He wants you to take the meds and you want to take them. Your readers don't want you to take them. I do feel you need more sleep than you get as the lack of it exacerbates your symptoms. Why not take a small dose at night to help you sleep and not take any during the day?

A compromise in this situation my be the best. What do you think?

justLacey said...

I haven't read all of your blog so maybe this won't apply. Don't you have your own dr. that treats your schizophrenia? Is it just your father and his dr. friend? There are so many new meds all the time, some of which don't have the side effects you speak of. Perhaps your dr. is old school and you should try someone new. Maybe you will end up with less meds that work better. I know schizoprenia is hard to treat and different in everyone so maybe I am off, but it's something to think about. So tricky to because sometimes it requires just the right mixture of things to work and even that changes over the years. I wish you luck though, I know you are walking a tightrop at all times.

Barb said...

I agree with Summer...compromise with the drug mixtures that have been given to you by your father, and his friend- work it, at night, and see if it provides you with the sleep you need, but not to put you in a stupper so you cant function. Take the advice of others, sift through what you want, and throw the rest away!!!!

Peace to you~

Eric Valentine said...

Andrew, I really feel for you right now, such a quandry! I have to agree with pipe tobacco. Having said that I also understand where you stand with this. It's always a no win situation without a price to pay.

If you refuse your father then no doubt that will trigger more threats of some nature, even to the point of no longer supporting you and you could end up back on the street? That again is something that you sometimes appear to miss? Sadly you do have a choice to make, just do what is best for you, regardless of the cost!

Good Luck my friend.


Lone Grey Squirrel said...

Good sound medical advice would be best if you can get it. The pills are there to help you. Getting enough rest is an important thing to acheive. The trick is making sure taking the pills helps you and to stop before they control you. A doctor monitoring your intake and its effect would be very helpful.

All the best and God bless.

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Katie W said...

Maybe you should suggest to your father that you want to consult your doctor who helps you manage your meds. Doping yourself out of exsistence is not the way to live your life, if your doctor is truelly looking after your best interests he will agree with you, and maybe suggest an alternative that will appease your dad.
I'd feel very nervous taking medication that was perscribed by a doctor that hadn't even spoken to me about why I wanted them, not why my father thought I should have them.

PipeTobacco said...


All of you think it is ok for his FATHER (not a doctor) to prescribe medication for his son? His father is a pharmacist, not a doctor. And the "doctor" his father talks to is a friend and has not actually treated any of Andrew's illnesses.

I think Andrew's father does this clandestine medicating to keep Andrew's mother under "control" and I think that is what he wants to do to Andrew as well. I think it is highly inappropriate... and I urge Andrew to say "NO!"


Melissa said...

I would have to say that I agree with the people who wrote that you should see a real doctor about your problem of not sleeping instead of just starting to take the meds. I would not like to see you sleep your days away because I LOVE reading your post. I have to say that I come home everyday and jump right on the computer to see what you have written for the day. And I have noticed that you have not been writing much lately and I miss reading your thoughts. So please talk with your Dad about taking the meds. You have come so far and I would hate to see you fall into a new addiction. Just follow your feelings because through your writting it sounds like you are unsure yourself about the meds.
Keep up the GREAT work Andrew and stay strong.

Rich said...

Xanax is tough stuff as you probably know and it's very addictive. Someone with an addiction problem I would worry about with this.

Be careful!!!

Katie W said...

Pipe Tobacco- that's not what all of us are saying. I suggested Andrew should speak to his own doctor, not his fathers friend, and not his father about the best way to manage this.
I find the idea of Andrews father managing his medication a little worrying, in fact in England I don't think he would be allowed to just call in perscriptions from friends of his in this way.

PipeTobacco said...

Hello Katie W:

I apologize, I did not mean you particularly when I said "All of you" in my comment above. I meant it to suggest a fairly significant number of the commenters seemed to have little problem with the manner of Andrew's father doling out prescription medication. I am not criticizing those commenters either... I just find it surprising.



I agree with Katie and Pipe tobacco..this is getting out of hand with your father. Ultimately you know what's best for you, however, how will you know what's best when you are medicated? This doesn't seem like the right path for you. Perhaps you should engage a close family member, like your sister to stand on your side with this. Comprise..but all of those medications won't make your situation better..its mainly a bandaid on an open wound that won't stop bleeding. Pls try very hard not to take the meds. It's alright to want change, but taking the medications is the wrong change you seek.

PipeTobacco said...


Sadly I suspect something is amiss. When Andrew is feeling himself, it would be unusual for him to miss a day's posting.

I hope that I am wrong, but I suspect he may very much be in a Xanax & Librium induced lethargy that will keep him without motivation or interest in anything other than sleep... as long as he continues taking these drugs.

Andrew has commented himself how his mother is overmedicated by his father, and I fear this may end up what happens with Andrew... because his father is very domineering.

This makes me sad.


Seven said...

Dear Andrew,
I also share the concern, as do many of the others who have left their comments. I suggest you try and talk to some professional person about this and the impact of themedication. We all are thinking of you, and please know that you are in our thoughts!

Grad007 said...

Hi Andrew,

Perhaps you could discuss your nervousness with your Psychiatrist, and get him/her to perscribe all your medications in regard to mental illness? He/she should at least be informed of what other medications you are taking.

If I remember correctly, you wrote that your father wouldn't want your brother and sister to find out about him giving you three xanax and three librium daily. I'd let them know if I were you. As doctors, I would expect them to be better informed than your father.

I very much hope you start feeling better, because I so enjoy reading your blog! (And for your sake too :-)