My pain pill induced one of the more vigorous nights of insomnia I have experienced in weeks. I had forgotten why I – as a schizophrenic – can't take such pills. They cause me to hallucinate and stay up all night. Tonight's wonderful experience (sarcasm) with Lortab and schizophrenia was that of shadowy darkness with shadowy figures coming in and out of that darkness. I was walking the streets on my nightly hike and everywhere were ghostly visages haunting me. I would see something move out of the corner of my eye in my peripheral vision and it would make me shudder with paranoia and fear. These experiences are so hauntingly vivid and real to me, but are purely imagined.
I finally arrived at my favorite after-hour's park and sat trying to collect myself.
"God, I wish this would pass," I said aloud – scared. "I wish I would have never taken that pill."
My hands were shaking and my heart was beating vigorously as if I had just undertaken a marathon. I covered my eyes trying to stop the shadowy figures from haunting me and invading my mind. It can be the most uncomfortable of existences.
"It's going to be okay," I said as I sat there on that cold bench rocking back and forth as I held myself in the cold night air.
I've had this same experience before. When I had my motorcycle accident and broke my arm and shoulder, they had me on injections of Demerol to dull the terrible pain I was experiencing. I grew delirious with hallucinations and delusions. That was when what I call ghosting was at its most intense and extreme. Ghosting is common for me where I see the ghostly visages of cats or animals lazily lying around everywhere. They are black and white and lack color, and are usually innocuous. That was also the time I thought my ex-wife was embroiled in making pornography films and was also pregnant with my child (Rachel was barren). I thought they were shooting such films in my home and would walk upstairs to stop them only to find empty, silent rooms as I stood alone. Rachel was flabbergasted by my pleading calls on the phone for her to stop such vagaries and take care of our child.
Some hours have passed and I am feeling better now. I have often found that time and solitude can often cure what ails me as I have given my system time to metabolize that pain medication. Please remind me tomorrow not to take that pill and to explain to my father what happened tonight. I am afraid my addictive personality will cast all cares to the wind and take another pill come medication time. Let me go crawl into the bed and see if sleep will overcome me. I do so need some rest…