Early evening, I was lying in my tent reading by the flickering light of my little candle lantern. I am reading The Hobbit for like the hundredth time in my life. I got lost in the pages and the wonderful ambiance that surrounded me as I lay there. I could imagine myself on some great journey in search of fame and fortune, wayward bound. I am at the part where Bilbo and his dwarven companions are ensconced by the elves. As I read, I am listening to a minidisc of the soundtrack Willow. That grand and sweeping soundtrack set the perfect ambiance for such escapist fiction and fantasy.
Earlier in the evening found me at my nightly A.A. meeting. Tonight we discussed step nine of the twelve steps where we try to make amends to those we have hurt or harmed. It is so hard to dredge up the past and even harder to share it with someone else. I realize I share freely on the blog, but there seems to be some disconnect for me on some level when it concerns writing on this journal. I have a hard time realizing that actual, real people really read this boring drivel I share.
“Should I write a letter to my ex-wife apologizing?” I then asked Wanda after our meeting tonight as we sat on the porch smoking.
“Would it hurt her?”
“She would probably tear up the letter seeing it post marked from me,” I replied.
“You really need a sponsor to talk about such things,” Wanda then said. “I feel uncomfortable giving you advice on such matters being a woman and a friend.”
It was not what I wanted to hear. I don’t want a sponsor and many in A.A. keep telling me I will not stay sober long without one. It is frustratingly maddening for me as I deal with my social anxieties and the pressure my A.A. friends are putting upon me to “work the program.” It makes me want to shy away from going to these meetings. But I know I will just gradually seclude myself without them and will gradually go back to my old ways of living life. I never could cope with life’s obstacles in a healthy and normal manner and A.A. has taught me some pretty important life coping skills. For that, I am eternally grateful despite many of the misgivings I have about the program.