Thursday, April 19, 2007

Vampires of the Night

It’s 3am. Like the great Vampires of fiction, I have taken to sleeping during the day in spurts of rest. After midnight will find me walking the streets of this sleepy town listening to the radio. What is a busy and bustling small town during the day grows sleepy and quiet after the midnight hour. It is comforting to know most of the people that so scare me are asleep in their beds for another day and I am out of harm’s reach. I am given about ten hours of social respite every night. I am having a terrible rash of social anxiety lately. My father came over last night admonishing me for turning off my phone’s ringer and answering machine most of the time these days.

“What if we need to get you in an emergency?” He asked with a whining tone to his voice.

“It’s a two minute walk from your backdoor to mine,” I replied tersely and unremittingly.

“I just don’t understand this phobia with the phone. You exasperate me.”

My father talks almost constantly and excessively on his cell phone so he doesn’t understand my phone fears. He is such an overly social creature like some great actor on a stage and in his element. The endless chatter drives me crazy. I often have daydreams of throwing that cell phone upon the ground and stomping on it to create a welcomed silence. I find it a rude and an unruly little contraption.

I have been often asked to portray what I feel with social anxiety. It is this deep seated fear of all things social and human. A flourish of butterflies in your stomach is accompanied by a clammy feeling of the skin and this all pervasive feeling of fear and anxiety. The only cure is silence and solitude behind locked doors and within quiet rooms. Throw in the paranoia of schizophrenia and the constant perceived sounds of what sounds like car doors and backdoors shutting and you can see why my disease can drive me bat shiat crazy some days. The anxiety can sometimes well up to a boiling point for me and I will disappear into the woods for a hike or to go camping. Luckily, I haven’t done that much this year, but the option is always open and comforting.


What is a Bella Journista? said...

im starting to find myself shutting myself in. The television has become my best friend, and my strongest enemy at the same time. Staying inside all the time has led me to develop social anxiety.

again. thanks for sharing. :c)

Cheryl said...

I often think of you at night. I always say I hope you sleep, but know there's a slim chance of that. Has your doctor prescribed the range of sleeping pills? I know there's no magic pill, or no one would have problems. I always found it was self-perpetuating, and that something like Ambien could break the cycle. At least, like you said, the night is a respite from other things. Still, the body and mind need the rest.

I'll be thinking of you today on my day off.

Sudhi said...

cell phones, yeah, same here
my dad actually forced me to get one as I live away from them.
its like belt around neck of dog
they try to control using this belt
sometimes i get so pissed off...
but i also realise that its their extra-caring love for their child...
*sigh* if only they could understand that i can take care of myself...

~$udhi :)

Rich said...

Andrew I sometimes long for the days before cell phones

zirelda said...

I decided about 6 months ago that a cell phone made me way to accessible. So I got rid of it. How nice to be able to go somewhere now without having that particular chain.

Now they're linking cell phones to the disappearance of our honey bees. So cell phones may yet be the bane of our existance.

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LAB said...

Andrew -

Thanks for sharing this.

I also suffer from not being able to sleep at doesn't it.


Sudhi said...

on the contrary I love staying awake at night
its 2 am here
and I am still awake
not just because I am surfing or studying (exams going on!)
but I am like this only
I do loads of thing in the night, which I wont do in daytime

~$udhi :)

Proxima said...

It's frustrating I know. I haven't found any so;utions for the phone phobia myself.