Last night I fell asleep in my tent dreaming of my homeless days. Cold and shivering – I struggled to keep warm in those disturbingly vibrant memories bouncing around in my head. I awoke suddenly and realized I was safe in my backyard with my home mere yards away. The night was warm and comforting with the smell of rain upon the air – a great juxtaposition from my dream. Through the deep silence, calmness enveloped me. “It’s okay,” I told myself as I unzipped my sleeping bag and sat up to light a cigar and my candle lantern in the dark black of the night. One of the few times in my life that I welcomed reality.
Treated myself to some hoop cheddar cheese and water crackers for supper - a cheese and cracker normally so expensive that I do not buy it. I felt spend thrifty yesterday evening during my weekly adventure to the grocery store. Also bought a loaf of expensive cinnamon raisin bread that will be a welcomed breakfast food slathered with creamy peanut butter and enjoyed along with a cold glass of milk and a ripe banana.
The cold snap of a few weeks past seems to be a distant memory these days. Tonight was so warm, evoking memories of southern summer nights. Soon, the katydids will start to call in earnest bringing forth a flourish of memories of sitting on my grandmother’s front porch on summer evenings as a child. I do so miss her dearly and I and my father were talking of her yesterday.
Yesterday was such a beautiful day. The sky was a summer blue – full of islands of silvery light, like pools of liquid mercury. Hard to be miserable on such a day and the beauty of it made me forget the harsh reality of my existence and that harsh mistress that is my constant companion, mental illness. Sat for the longest time in the backyard reading some of the books I checked out at the library as I smoked my pipe looking professorial. Pipe Tobacco would be proud and I thought of him as that pungent bluish tobacco smoke curled around my face as that warm and lit pipe was nestled in between my fingers.