Saturday, April 21, 2007

No Kids…

“Come on in, doll,” I told Rosa last night as I stood at my backdoor.

She was having another tough night after the experience earlier with getting to hear from her daughter and I invited her over for the night. As is often the case with those of us who struggle with addictions, family matters can be hard on us.

“I’m scared,” Rosa told me as we sat in my den. “I am scared I will ruin things and use again.”

“Take it one day at a time,” I told her. “Keep it simple.”

I walked into the kitchen and fixed us a pot of coffee as Rosa sat in my den with the TV on, smoking a cigarette. I was deeply, deeply lonely last night and welcomed the company.

“Have you ever thought of having kids?” Rosa then asked me as we sat drinking coffee.

“Oh, no,” I replied as I smiled. “I have a hard time taking care of myself some days, let alone taking care of some kids.”

“Didn’t your ex-wife want children?”

“She couldn’t have any,” I replied. “She had cysts in her ovaries.”

“I think you would make a wonderful father,” Rosa then said. “You are so kind and caring.”

A tear rolled down my cheek and I stifled back a sob.

“I wish I could have been a father,” I replied wiping away the tear. “I would hate to pass on this terrible disease though.”

“I didn’t mean to upset you,” Rosa said with great care.

“It’s okay,” I replied.

We walked upstairs and I turned on the air conditioning. Rosa got under the covers and in the bed, and I lay on the bed next to her as we talked until way after midnight. I felt her hand reach out for mine in the dark and I clasped it.

“I don’t know what I would do without you,” She said softly and sleepily.

“I know,” I replied. “I feel the same.”

Rosa then went sound asleep and I quietly walked downstairs to work on my novel for awhile while I drank coffee and smoked cigarettes. It has been another insomnia fueled night. At least, one of us is getting some rest.


Someone had asked in my comments when I will be moving into my new house. I have two things left to do then I will be able to move in. Jimmy James has to finish building the back steps to my laundry room and then install Maggie’s dog door. I am waiting on Jimmy James to finish a job he is currently working on. Hopefully, I will be moved in, in a few weeks. I have waited two years for this to happen so a few weeks is not going to hurt me.


Amanda said...

I really feel for you Andrew. Though I do have a child I can never have another one. There's a 75% chance it will have the same issue.

It's NOT our fault and I wonder when will I stop feeling like it is...

david mcmahon said...

G'day, mate,

When you have a moment, check out Aussiejourno's Weekly Blog Awards for this week at



because you care it hurts. Because Rosa is a mom no matter how often she will be given the chance to see her daughter, she will still question herself, her actions, her fears...there's something about children that innocence, that admiration, that scares all of us silly, because the last thing in the world that we want to do is do something to hurt them or potentially "screw them up."

I wonder what your father thinks sometimes due to the circumstances with your mom. I respect them for following in their faith in God to bring children into the world, to accept the challenge, the burden, the cost and responsibility..even knowing that there could be a chance that they may pass on something such as your "gift."

The funny thing is, we all -as parents-pass things on to our children that truly aren't suitable. In some cases it's diseases, disorders, whathave you..but imagine the types that aren't given a medical name, say like a child that grows up and is disrespectful to women, only because that is how he grew up.

Children make us recognize our own lack of innocence and I think it's that (plus the rudeness of parents that scoff at the different parental tactics-see my posting about email conferencing 101 appreciation to understand more, if you have time... :)..) that terrifies us most.
that and disappointing them.

No matter what, no matter who, parents will always in some form, take care of their children, until the day they're called home.

Have a glorious weekend, and some good long puffs on your cigar.