Saturday, April 28, 2007

My old Nemesis, Social Anxiety

That old nemesis of mine struck hard today. Slept most of the afternoon and woke to late shafts of sunshine shining through my bedroom windows. Swirls and eddies of dust were carried around on those shafts of bright light. The sound of children playing outside wafted in through my open windows and was comforting. I got up, put on my shoes and walked to my window to look out. The neighbor's kids were playing baseball. I longed to be a kid again and join in on their game.

Suppertime found me in the kitchen fixing a southwestern feast. Rosa joined me for supper. I served chili sans beans over steamed rice and baked a big iron skillet of Mexican cornbread.

"You cook so damn well," Rosa said sitting at my table eating.

"This chili is not too bad, is it?" I asked.

Rosa smiled and took another bite in return.

"You sure are quiet tonight," Rosa then said.

"I've had a rough day," I replied. "I want to get in my car, drive off and never return."

"You better not drive off without me!" Rosa exclaimed. "I would be bored to death without you. Is it your schizophrenia?"

"Yeah," I replied, sadly.

It's par for the course for my life some days. You win some, you lose some. I am just glad to be alive and maybe tomorrow I will awake to a better day.

I never made it up to my AA meeting to see my Celtic beauty. She will have to wait until tomorrow night. I was deeply disappointed in myself that I couldn't overcome my social anxieties and fears to go. I really need a meeting. I think I am going to go get a six pack of Heineken and cast my cares to the wind. I feel one coming on. The proverbial storm clouds are on the horizon already. Soon, you will be able to hear the thunder and feel the rain. Good night.


Patty said...

Don't do it Andrew. Hang on, it will pass.

VAfriend said...

You better not get that 6 pack. You will so regret it come tomorrow morning. You have that Celtic beauty to look forward to and she needs you to be strong for her!!!

Moonlink said...

If you get the Heinken, you'll live through it. However, most of your blog friends will hope that you resist the urge.

PipeTobacco said...

Hello Sir:

Hopefully, you will not feel the need to drink sir... I shall keep you in my thoughts.

But, if you do end up drinking, please just let it go and not denegrate or berate yourself. You are a good person regardless. You do many good and valuable things day-to-day. If you drink tonight, just chalk it up as an instance where you did not do exactly what you had hoped, but do not let it ruin your tommorrow... especially do not let yourself go into anger, doubt and self loathing because of a simple slip in judgement.

Please write to me if you feel it would help.


Cheryl said...

Well, it was a day. Another one, and some are better than others, right? I'm glad you got some sleep during the day, and that you woke to the comforting sounds of children at play. I'll look forward to hearing from you tomorrow. Another day.

KYRIE said...

I am so sorry that you could not go to that AA meeting last night.
Andrew, everyone have their bad days. The thing is a glass of alcohol is not going to solve it.
U hv to resolve within urself to face those bad times with tht same strength within ur hearth tht has helped u go through so much of ur life's obstacles. U possess tht strength, not tht damn glass of alcohol tht provides it!
Still 35, and there tons of bad days to come all through ur life.
But u hv to tell urself: u cant turn to booz each time it comes.
It is ok to feel crappy or feel overwhelmed during those days. Ur just being human. But dont let a couple of hours of crappineness alter those important life decisions or resolves u made. I hope u did not turn 2 booze today, but if u did tell urself: enough! let this marks the last stupidest thing I hv did for a very long long time to come.
A friend,


you will be will be okay....we know you'll be okay.