Thursday, March 1, 2007

Visits from Dad…

My father came by last night.

“I just wish you wouldn’t drink,” He said exasperated.

I held onto his leg as I groveled. I do so miss my father.

I didn’t tell him of Rosa coming by yesterday.

“Give me your credit cards and wallet,” He said worried that I would drink more.

I walked into my den as I sheepishly gave him said things.

“Dad, I just want to die,” I said.

“That is such a foolish thing to say,” He replied as he hugged me.

“Don’t make me suffer,” I said with a stern heart.

“God, you are drunk,” My father then said.

Dad soon left followed by my mother coming over. She wanted the keys to my car. I gave them to her willingly.

“I don’t know why you want to torture us so,” She said of my drinking.

Mom soon left to find me sitting on the floor crying. I cried my heart out.

“I just want to die,” I repeated.

Fortunately, dying is far harder than it seems. Death doesn’t come easy.

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11 comments:

Summer said...

I have a lot of questions for you, but I don't feel that this is the time to ask. I know you're going to have a hard day today. I'll be thinking about you.

simonsays said...

Hang in there Andrew, this too shall pass. I will also be thinking about you today. Jamie

Kristen said...

We are all with you, Andrew.

Dorid said...

What some people here don't know, and you do, is how badly alcohol can mess with your illness and your meds. You know you have to stay away from it completely to stay well. Of course, as with any addiction there will be days you backslide, but it's hoped those days are fewer and farther between as time goes on.

As bad as you feel now, it will pass. Just hang in there. As painful as it is to you, it's great that your folks were there for you to do an intervention.

Alcoholism, too, is an illness (as you well know) and if you were sick from any other illness and unable to care for your self temporarily you would be able to accept help and know that this is a temporary state and that you will get better.

The hard part is the feeling like you want to die thing. (not that everyone hasn't felt that from time to time) but you need to evaluate that. Is this a transient thought, a "normal" reaction to being drunk and sad? Or is this something more?

Please be careful with yourself.

Rather than beat yourself up, pick yourself up. I have confidence in you.

Cheryl said...

I'm sorry that your parents had to find out you were drinking. Sounds like it was a mess. I have confidence you're going to pick yourself up, because I know you. You battle your addictions valiantly and most of the time; you're stronger than they are. This is a setback, and of course you feel horrible. Forgive youself. Everyone else will.

Eric Valentine said...

Hi Andrew, I was eager this morning when I opemed my eyes, to see just where you were in this and what stand if any you have taken.

After reading all since then, I find the last two lines of your blog the most encouraging and one word the most important of all.

You used the word "Fortunately", that means to me that there is a window and consciously or otherwise you considered that.

I leave you with that thought for now. Your choice today Andrew? Hang in there. you are going to be fine. ((Andrew))

LAB said...

Just lots of thoughts and hugs....

(((((Andrew)))))

Rich said...

you better get your ass to a meeting.

Jon said...

That's the exact reason I want my parents FAR away. I love them dearly, but nobody can make me feel as inadequate as my parents.

Terri said...

I second what Cheryl said!!

abbagirl74 said...

Nothing comes easy my friend. Nothing.