Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Panic and Paranoia

“I can’t take driving down to the doctor, today,” I told my father having a panic and paranoia attack a moment ago on the phone.

“Calm down,” He said, cooly. “I am going to drive you down. Will that make it easier?”

Today is my father’s day off from work and I hated to impose, but I am having a terrible go of things today. I am experiencing agoraphobia where I panic at the prospect of leaving the house. I really needed the care and love of my family today and my father was there.

“Have you taken your medications?” He then asked me, concerned.

“I took everything, but the buspar,” I replied. "It makes me feel weird."

“Go take your buspar and call me back in an hour and let’s see if it helps,” He said. “It is supposed to work wonders for anxiety.”

I took my medicine and sat down in my quiet den. The only sound was that of the birds calling outside my open windows and it was comforting.

I realized that today would have been a prime drinking day when I was using. Alcohol would subdue my inhibitions and make my anxiety melt away. I would drink beer after beer until I forgot my problems and would soon pass out in the bed. I now realize why so many mentally ill people abuse substances in their efforts to do anything to feel better.

Well, let me go get some laundry going if I am going to have something to wear to the doctor’s appointment. Hopefully, my buspar will help. I am already feeling kind of “high” from it’s effects. I will talk to you all again soon when I am in a better mental frame of mind. Good day.

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LAB said...

I hope you are/were able to calm down a bit to be able to go to your appointment.

I'm sorry you are having side effects with the meds.

Be Happy!

simonsays said...

Hang in there Andrew, it will be better soon! Jamie

KYRIE said...

Ok. Relax dont stress. Take it one step at time. You can do it. Dont worry ok. Look how far u came and how much obstacles u overcame. Dont get overwhelmed. Just think/pretend this doctor's visit just an another normal boring routine thing n it will be over in no time.
You can take a short nature walk outside around ur house. Breath in the fresh air. Enjoy the spring (It started in US right?) It will help u to come ur nerves. Gluck !

KYRIE said...

I mean calm ur nerves.. sorry bout the typo.

Proxima said...

"Agoraphobia", I don't know, just by the sound of it you would think people like us were afraid of "Angora Sweaters", or something. :> Too bad it's not that simple, eh.

Hang in there. I hope the sun is out so you can get some vitamin-D processed while your outside.

Take care!

C.A. said...

I'm thinking of you Andrew. Those feelings youre having are something I can strongly relate to. Hope the Buspar worked, (even tho' I hate that stuff, too), and you had a good visit at the Dr.s office.


Cindi Ann

abbagirl74 said...

Hello. Hope all is well. I think of you often. Please read the email I sent you. :)

Cheryl said...

Did the buspar help? I hope it put you in 'a better mental frame of mind.' I don't think your father minds being with you and doing whatever he can to help. He loves you very much.

austere said...

you had buspar issues earlier also, with the racing heart and all i remember.

Terri said...

"I now realize why so many mentally ill people abuse substances in their efforts to do anything to feel better."

Makes a wicked kind of sense that I can't relate to but I hope others realize this and address it like you do.

Dorid said...


what is it with you and your parents? Maybe I'm a little over-sensitive here, but it seems you are always criticizing their involvment in your life, complaining that they're treating you like you're dumb or retarded, but that it's the very same treatment that has helped and supported you.

Are these just transient thoughts on the page? or despite (or because of) prompts to take your meds, offers to drive you to the doctors, and interventions during your drinking, do you REALLY feel that they are treating you as though you are less capable than you are?

I know from the other end how frustrating it can be. To go to the Social Security administration and be told, "you can't do this for him, we've judged him capable to handle his own buisness" and then go to the clinic and have the doctors come out and ask me if I can do this or that for him, drive him to clinic, put him up in my home, see that he gets his insurance and medicine...

It seems no matter what I do, I'm either treating him like a child or letting him fail, and he's disappointed either way. Today I'm driving him back to the clinic for his prolixin shot. It will be the fourth time I've taken him to the hospital in two weeks. He's asked for a bus pass and schedules, but is not willing to take the bus at this point. So is driving him supportive, smothering, or enabling?

Andrew said...


I don't quite understand you ire I provoked with this post. I am trying though. I and my father's relationship was not always so kind and caring. He looked upon my drinking and mental illness as a fault of my character and that I was a failed son. He has grown much more kinder and gently with her dealings with me this past year. We truly have a good relationship these days and I love him deeply, and appreciate all he does for me. I would be a homeless drunk without him living on the streets in squalor.



Dorid said...

Andrew, I am not angry, just worried. You see, in so many posts you talk about how your family treats you like a child, or a retard, or some such thing. I am trying to understand where that comes from. I see it from time to time in some of the adult children of my friends as well. This post to me was a wonderful example of how supportive your father was this day. It struck me, because you had written just before that your father treats you like "a retard".

I'm just trying to understand this.

And my frustration has nothing to do with you and your father, only with myself and my son, and wondering how much of this is the same in some way.

Also, as you know, I've only been reading you for a few months, and I really don't have a grasp on what your father was like in the past. It must have been difficult for you to have him blaming you for your illness... something I've seen other parents do with their ill children, even those who have illnesses not related to mental health.

I'm glad things are well with you and your father.