Thursday, March 29, 2007

God? Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me?

I hate to be so melancholy about my life and mental illness. The name of the blog is The 4th Avenue Blues, afterall, but I really dislike talking about it so much. It is just such a dominant and determining factor in my life and the quality thereof. So it gets a lot of airtime on this journal.

The time was 1am. I felt as if the four walls of my bedroom where closing in upon me. I set out for this morning’s hike as a lone freight train roared and blasted it’s horns through downtown. I walked down to the shopping center, which was dead this time of night, and then sat as I smoked one cigar after another. I longed for Rosa’s brusque company and her smoky, gravelly laugh. Any company of another would have done in a pinch to be honest. I was not choosey tonight and was deeply lonely.
I don’t want to live the next twenty medicated years in hell and disillusion hoping for a cure. I walked home carrying my burden which is my mental illness and that will always be my allegorical cross to bear.
“God? Am I always going to suffer?” I asked that mythical being in the beyond of my mental illness as I looked up at the millions of twinkling stars greeting me in the night sky.

“If you are real, I just wish you would give me a sign that things are going to be okay,” I said, quietly. “I can’t take suffering for the rest of my life. I felt so bad yesterday I thought I was going to die. I don’t want to die.”

I think it is only human nature to want to believe in something grander and more aspired than the simple lives we live, upon this little mote of dust in the deep, dark vastness of space. I wanted to be comforted and to have a relationship with that omnipotent being my grandmother so extolled during my youth. She made God and Jesus seem like such kind and caring individuals who wanted only the best for their loyal followers.

“There is no God,” I finally said as pulled on my cigar once more, guiltily, as a tear rolled down my cheek and a discomforting silence greeted me. “A just God wouldn’t let people suffer so and I see so much untoward suffering in the world.”

As I walked home, I resigned myself to the fact that I am genetically flawed. Humans have somewhat thwarted evolution through modern medicine and via the help of more genetically viable family members. They prop up and support those of us that wouldn’t survive a day in the grand scheme of things if survival of the fittest truly ruled the day. I realize that my life is about as good as it is ever going to get and I better make peace with my “gods” and resign myself to that fact. I don’t want to live the next twenty medicated years in hell and disillusion hoping for a cure. I sleepily walked on home carrying my burden which is my mental illness and that will always be my allegorical cross to bear.

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Younger Leo said...

Tomorrow is another day! Everything will be OK.
Regards. Younger Leo Blog

SamuraiMoose said...

Ah, what it is to be the dominant species of a planet. I wouldn't resign to 'as good as it is ever going to get' though - the ladder to happiness is made of pessimists. Besides, I like to think that people either have something wrong with them or are terribly boring. I know I am and am proud to be in the first category, I'm just dodging diagnosis.

austere said...

BAH, Andrew.
We draw up a list of the genetically flawed THEN I WANT MY NAME ON THE TOP.Insist.

This phobia is a new one, earlier it was not there. Maybe the changed meds are settling in, so lets give it a while, ok?

You think people reading, caring, cajoling and scolding you from halfway across the world is NOT a miracle? Expecting the good Lord (ok, whatever your version) to do the Moses act all the time is too much.

Terri said...

God does exist, or at least I believe it with my whole being. I'm sorry you are not at peace and I understand why it would be so hard to ever be at peace with your illness. For the most (generalizing), suffering happens as a result of decisions people make and in those situations where people are born with issues or bad things happen to them, I believe that it is that way for a reason, reasons we may never know but which serve a purpose. You have no idea the impact YOU are making on people around you, or here on the 'net. This impact could be your purpose...

abbagirl74 said...

I share your questions on a higher power. I just don't know. What I do know is that you are strong. Very strong. You have overcome so much. You are a true friend with a heart of gold. I wouldn't worry about making peace with your gods. I would worry that those you help should be making peace. You are a fine human being. Any higher power would be able to see that.

SimplyTim said...


I'd like to share two of my personal and favorite mantras with you.

"It's an imperfect world."

"Get over it and get on with it."

"I choose joy though I have considered all the facts."

Oh well, that's three. The third is a quote from Wendell Berry.

Mantras are not just words, they are energies, they are forms, they are lots of things. They gain power through repetition, not the repetition of just saying words, but the repetition of letting them touch you over and again, and extending from them.

And, yes, this too is an imperfect process.

My, is the force which moves indiscriminantly through all things moving through or emanating from that Austere gal in Indja?

It gets curiouser and curiouser.


Dorid said...

You don't need a God to love you, you have loads of love coming from your friends, your families, and everyone here. I'm always amazed at the amount of compassion you inspire in people.

It's hard, I know. Everyone has some cross to bear. Most people just aren't as familiar with yours, so it makes the road seem a little lonlier. I only have to look at the number of responses, link ins, and other page stats to know that people are out there, caring about you.

For me you've been a godsend. Sometimes it's easier to hear you than to hear my son. Just because I need that distance of objectivity.

I don't need to tell you that these feelings will pass... or to check in with the doc if they don't.

Andrew said...


Thanks so much for sharing those mantras. I especially enjoyed the one from Wendell Berry. I enjoy his writings on politics and his view of the world very much. I am going to make that my own personal mantra, print it out, and put in on the mirror in my bathroom. Thank you!


It always means so much to me to get a comment from you. I know you understand since you deal with schizophrenia on a daily basis. I hope your son understands how important it is to have a caring and loving parent when dealing with this disease. I am lucky to have too, although my mother struggles with schizophrenia as well. Take care of yourself and I hope you have a great day, today.

Jonathon Andrew

Rich said...

when you're feeling such lonliness it's always good to try and get to a meeting. The lonliness will drive you to what is called "stinkin thinkin".

Andrew said...


That is very sound advice! Thank you and I agree. Too bad we don't have meetings here after midnight or I would have been there drinking coffee and listening earnestly.

Jonathon Andrew

mutleythedog said...

Crikey!! Cheer Up hey?! I've known really happy people who were as mad as you -honestly!

Andrew said...

Hey Mutley,

I am not always so melancholy about my disease. I can laugh about it as well. I've just had a tough few days and it comes out in my writing and my mood. I feel wonderful today and much better. My new medications seem to be helping. Thanks for reading and commenting.



LAB said...

Andrew -

I know you have had a rough few days, but you have had them before and survived. I know that you question whether God exists or not. I have to say that I believe with my whole heart, mind and soul that He does.


austere said...

I think Andrew is quite used to my gruff ways by now. Else I can always say " oh Americans!", no?

pai said...

Andrew, I think you would enjoy reading my father-in-law's blog. It may give you a different perspective of God and his love for us. I don't like to be preachy and cringe when I feel like I am. His point of view is so refreshing for me, a disillusioned christian.

pai said...

::smacks forehead:: it would help if I gave you the link.

clairem said...

I'm discovering your words, your moods, your disease as i stumbled onto your blog. I liked your title and stopped for a while... and I'm still there and will come back, that's for sure!!
Does God exist??? I believe it does but not the way most people believe it does. God is within me and my God is different from your God and from anyone else's. It is sometimes a small flame in my heart that I need to look after to make sure it won't go off; it is sometimes a big overwhelming bonfire that I "must" contain...

I believe we are where and what we are in the world for a reason. We each have a role to play - however small, rich, difficult... and our personal God is there to help - sometimes putting us in terrible situations, so that we open our senses to our truths...

Good luck

Mike Crowl said...

Great blog, Andrew, and though I don't particularly agree with your views on God, I can understand where you're coming from. I'll have to check out what you've got to say on some other (less controversial) issues. And congratulations for getting so many comments on your posts...some of us others could do with as many!

veronneca said...

Andrew, many a times, i too asked the BIG question 'God, why hast thou forsaken me?' And at most times, it takes a whle until i see the big picture and realized that My God has NOT forsaken me.
Be strong and hang on in there!
from: veronneca@