Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Best Forgotten Pages in the Lexicon of my Life…

Days like yesterday are best forgotten in the lexicon that is my life. Often, as with most, just a simple night of rest can work wonders. Maggie and I crawled into bed a little after nine with the radio tuned to that station out of New Orleans. The rain was softly falling outside my windows. My warm and soft covers enveloped me as I laid my head upon my goose down pillow. Blissful sleep finally overcame me after a twenty four hour long drought.

I was thinking this morning as I was drinking my coffee and having my first-of-the-day cigar how that to truly live a healthy life I would have to cut out all immediate real life human contact. The stressors of my many real life relationships affect me so deeply and negatively. The date with Carolyn and her on and off nature; the tussle with Charlie Monday night; the pressure my father and my family puts on me; the fear and paranoia surrounding others. Just a simple drive to the convenience store can be a nerve wracking affair of anxiety and paranoia when I get like I was yesterday.

Online relationships are different. I can easily control the amount of interaction with people online. There is no body language; no exasperating social cues to miss. There are only simple words which I find very easy to use. If I don’t want to interact with you, I can just turn off the computer. Real life is not so simple.

We all live by an extremely complicated set of social norms and mores. These very social norms and mores escape me most times. I often find that keeping up with these social rules to be one of the hardest, most exasperating, and most tiring aspects of me living my life. For most people these are second nature and most mentally healthy people never give them a second thought. Don’t believe me? Pay close attention to your social interactions today and notice the delicate dance it can be.

I was watching an episode of Judging Amy yesterday. In it was portrayed a very troubled child. He came from the perfect family. They were loving, laughing, and caring. This was pure torture for the boy though and disturbed him greatly. He was an introvert and not the extroverted people of his significant others. I saw myself in that child and something clicked within me when reminiscing about my own childhood and my life as an adult. I was that very child and his family was like mine; forever trapped to dance this delicate social human dance when I am metaphorically lame and crippled.

post signature

12 comments:

Summer said...

It's exhausting isn't it?

Kristen said...

metaphorically lame and crippled

It may seem this way at times, but the world would be a boring place if we were all alike.

You know what you are comfortable with. There is no reason for you to try to be an extrovert. Interact as much as is comfortable for you, in the giving, sharing way that you have, and then enjoy the balancing influence of your solitude.

I say all of this from experience. I need my quiet time, too. :)

Peace.

RubyLou said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
DraMa said...

You know what, I can kind of relate to that. There are many times I feel like I just want to shut myself away from the world and stay in my home and avoid people. It's because I don't have the energy to make small talk or talk at all. I just want quiet solitude with myself or my children and hubby. I get like that in the winter mostly. It's a depression of sorts and I have my own mental issues that I deal with.... but I feel that way several times a year. I have just now snapped out of it actually.

There are just definitely times when I want the world to leave me alone... even close friends. Don't call me, don't come over, don't invite me over... just leave me alone. This goes for my family too... (save my kids and hubby)

Tiffanie said...

I can relate to what you are saying about online relationships being controllable. You can let people in as far as you want, even to the extent of what you decide to share (or not)...

PipeTobacco said...

Sir:

Perhaps this is why you and I seem to have several shared interests. Your discomfort with social interaction due to your illness is similar in some ways to my own history of being very, very shy. Until I was in college, I was extremely reticent about speaking up, and intereacting much socially. The emotions you speak of in today's essay remind me of those horrible feelings I, myself had.

Perhaps I shall look for that essay about my own shyness and try to post it again.

PipeTobacco

M said...

well,i see some of the social norms as too restricting.

at the office, there are all sorts of nuances i choose to ignore. (saying hello with a "tone" or giving someone a "look" can cause a 10 day fight in some offices/families.) i just want to stand up and yell "get over it!"

ahhh...so i can understand your desire to avoid social contact. every relationship has these rules...family, romantic,work...

i find that people who manage well in the social world, often times bounce back quicker from the misunderstandings. they don't take as much "to heart"...they skim the surface. so, i try to do the same...

Cheryl said...

I too understand your desire to avoid social interaction, but.... There are people that you really enjoy being around. You've written during periods where you've been cut off from people, and you've been really lonely. There's times that you've spent time with Wanda, Rosa, your Dad, Charlie, etc... that you have been really happy. I'm sorry that you feel so down now and these relationships are causing such stress. I really enjoy our online relationship, as you know. I hope I haven't said too much. I should know better than to give unsolicited advice.

C.A. said...

Just wanted to say that I myself am coming off a long bout of social phobia, having been mostly in the house for about 5 weeks, and I very much understand an appreciate your blog and it's writings.

Try to focus on taking care of you...and Maggie. :)

I wish you a better day today.

Red Robin. said...

I think that gets us all in one way or another. Although the intensity of that depends on the person.

Through all those veriying degrees.

Although, at times, I prefer animals. they don't have all our clutter.

Hope you are feeling better mate and perhaps a short break in the woods would do you good? Get back to the peace of nature and all that.

Rich said...

nicely put.

A good book related to this topic is:

The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World

A good read

Ted said...

Nice Blog.