Saturday, February 3, 2007

The Dance of a Thousand Lights…

I awoke early this morning to start the ritual of another day. Carolyn rolled over and drifted back to sleep. I and Maggie walked upstairs so I could let her out for her first visit of the backyard for the day. I stood on the back deck with my mug of steaming coffee in the 24 degree air. Far off, down in the Chattahoochee Valley, a dance of a thousand myriad lights shone in downtown. I watched sleepily and mesmerized as a far off traffic signal swayed in the breeze and turned from green, then to yellow, and finally to red. The chill morning air finally chased me and my faithful companion back inside after only a few moments of admiring that sight.
I stood at my backdoor as I watched her get in her car and drive off. I realized she probably will not call tonight. It was most likely the last time I will ever see her again. At least, we ended on a good note.
Midnight had rolled around yesterday evening with me on the phone. Carolyn had called me. It had been a week since we last spoke. The interval gets longer and longer as we drift apart farther and farther. We once spoke every night like giddy high school kids filled with excitement of a new relationship and prospects of love.

“I thought about you all day,” She told me. “Little things remind me of you and I miss you.”

A few weeks ago such a statement would have hurt me deeply. Time does heal old wounds and I thanked her for the kind words instead of pouting and sulking with her.

“I wish things could have worked out between us, but I understand,” I replied.

There was a quiet moment as I heard her quietly start to sob on the other end.

“Can I come over?” She asked between sniffles.

“Come over here and let’s go to bed,” I replied. “I want to hold you.”

I awoke again abruptly around 4 AM. My arm was around Carolyn and her head was upon my chest. My most striking memory of last night was of her breathing softly as she slept with her soft breasts pressed up against my side. The smell of her hair, which was scented like apples, brought back a thousand memories of us lying together after making love.

Just like my ex-wife, Carolyn is a fair weather friend. She told me last week that she couldn’t deal with the irrationality of my mental illness. The final nail in the proverbial coffin was my week long visit to the mental hospital a few months ago. It scared her and she didn’t know what to do.

I am no stranger to being alone and will survive. I sat at my kitchen table this morning drinking coffee as Carolyn took a shower and got ready for work. I wondered if this would be the last time I ever saw her.

“I’ll call you after work,” She said as she hurriedly walked out my backdoor just as the sun was rising on the horizon. “I am going to be late.”

I stood at my backdoor as I watched her get in her car and drive off. I realized she probably will not call tonight. It was most likely the last time I will ever see her again. At least, we ended on a good note.

14 comments:

SimplyTim said...

Andrew: "At least, we ended on a good note."

Yes! It is soooo much better after the dust settles to have this kind of letting go. To be left with incompletion and negativity is lousy, especially if those experiences accumulate.

Tim

Summer said...

Did I ever tell you the line from the movie Boys On The Side that I can't forget? I hope I'm not repeating myself. I'm not sure that I'll get it right, but the character said something like this:

"If I'd known that it was the last time I was going to make love, I would have paid better attention."

I paid attention and so did you.

DraMa said...

Maybe this was closure? Everyone has their own way of closing the doors on relationships. This could have been yours.

Amanda said...

Bittersweet.

Anonymous said...

Take comfort where/when you can get it Andrew. No one gets the fairy tale. She'll be back.

PipeTobacco said...

Sir:

I apologize for my different opinion, and if you do not like the opinion expressed, please ignore it:

I do not think this is the end of the "relationship" between you and Carolyn. I suspect she will simply continue to call you when it is convienient for HER. When she is feeling emotionally needy or when she is interested in a night "in the hay".... she will call. Otherwise, she will ignore you "because it is too hard" to deal with "your" issues.

My suggestion... I think you need to distance yourself emotionally from Carolyn because I think she will continue to use you. Therefore, my suggestion is:

a) either sever all ties with her

or

b) if you wish to retain the "friends with benefits" aspect of the relationship, figure out a way to protect your own emotions from the yo-yo effect that is likely to ensue.

You are a great person sir, and you deserve great, long-term happiness.

PipeTobacco

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Proxima said...

Andrew,
While the regulars here aren't with you physically, you are not alone. I think about you and several others often throughout the day.

I even dreamt about you the night of our unpleasent misunderstanding and you entered the mental hospital. I was coming to try and help you catch a train. Carolyn was on it and I was coming to help you catch it, but I was late and you missed it.

I suppose it is only a dream, but the part of Carolyn you wanted to be with has already left the station and you'll only wear yourself out trying to run after it.

It is better to be single, then to be with the wrong person because then you miss the opportunities to be with the right person.
-P

Cheryl said...

I have to agree with Pipe and Proxima, not that you asked for my advice. I do not like to see friends get hurt, and I consider you to be a friend. Here's a favorite saying of mine: I'd rather be lonely alone, than be lonely with somebody else.

I'm going to write a post tonight with you in mind. I jotted it down in my new little book.

Bobby said...

Hello. I was just surfing through. I've been hitting that 'Next Blog' button up there... your blog really caught me, man. I hope you can find broader and broader bright spots - longer and more frequent happy times.

I hope this doesn't sound corny. I just wanted to say something.

Jay M. said...

Andrew,

It's not easy to figure out the things that you want, and it's even harder to figure out what you need, or what is good for you. But I think if you can start sorting those out, you will begin to understand what kind of relationship you should maintain with Carolyn.

Good luck.

austere said...

Everyone has said it all, specially the Prof and Proxima. So nothing more from me (for a change, heh). Liked the traffic signs in the valley description. Someday pls post a picture please?

PipeTobacco said...

Like Kristen, I am now locked out of the old Blogger.

RICH said...

I think she wants you to be her f--k buddy