“Hey, you there? I want to talk to you! Pick up the phone! I know you are there!” Rang out upon my answering machine’s speaker after a few rings. It was Carolyn.
My heart rate increased and my anxiety skyrocketed as I listened to her talk. I reclined forward in my lazy boy and placed my face in my hands as I listened.
“Well, I guess you are not home. I was just thinking of you. I wanted us to head up to Atlanta tomorrow night and eat at that Japanese restaurant you so love. I will call again tonight. It will be my treat.”
I walked over to the answering machine and pushed play to hear her message again. Her voice sounds so comforting; so sanguine that there is hope of us getting together for the weekend. My feeble and so soft heart melts as I dial her number to call her back. I am such a pussy.
“Hey,” I say as she picks up the phone and says hello. “It’s me. I just got your message.”
“I was hoping you would call,” She says. “I’ve thought about you all day.”
“All of this is hard on me,” I reply. “One minute you love me and the next, you shy away from me.”
Silence reigns supreme as she is surprised by my candidness.
“You scare me sometimes,” She finally says. “I don’t know what to expect. I love you though and I miss you.”
“I love you too,” I reply cautiously. “I miss you so very much.”
“Sushi Huku?” She asks speaking of the Japanese restaurant I so dearly love to eat at. “Will you call and make the reservations?”
“Hold on,” I say. “I will call you back in a few minutes.”
I walk over to my parent’s house and call the restaurant and set an 8:00 PM reservation time. I cannot call long distance on my home phone to save money. I walk the short distance home and call Carolyn back.
“Eight tomorrow night is when we will eat,” I say.
“Let’s go in your Honda,” She says. “I love that car.’
“I will pick you up around six,” I reply.
We hang up our respective phones and I have a good cry. This willy-nilly back and forth relationship is so hard on me. I don’t want to be lonely and I love her so much. I know deep in my heart it will never work out, but I can’t pass up on the time spent with her. I just wish I was a normal man, without the rigors of a mental illness to hold me back. She would love me then.