Tuesday, January 2, 2007

What a difference a day can make…

I spent time this afternoon doing things to calm a battered mentally ill person’s soul. I went out to the park near the lake that was my old car living stomping grounds from this last summer. It is seldom used and a beautiful place to sit on a warm day reading and enjoying the sights and sounds. The constant quack of ducks rings out as otters play in the little pond provided for children to fish in.

I have been doing lots of thinking about returning to work. I realize these longs days spent alone are not good for me. I want to make real life friends and I have found a job to be socially helpful. I also made a resolution to start going back to my Alcoholics Anonymous meetings feeling the social aspects will be good for me as well although I just can’t get a handle on the religious aspects of the program. You see – I have a tendency to be a hermit and can lose my days just being alone and staying inside. I have to push myself to get out into this scary world and interact due to my illnesses. My visit to the restaurant was very anxiety filling today, but my want of a hot and prepared breakfast overcame those fears. My therapist says the only way for me to overcome this anxiety is to just deal with it and face it.

My biggest obstacle to going back to work part time is my father. I will have to hide this fact from him and make sure to dot my i’s and cross my t’s as far as my monthly income is concerned. I want to be on the up and up. I just think it will give me some dignity that I have been lacking lately. I often find myself feeling less than human or less than a real man because I do not work or “contribute” to society nor do I support myself in a meaningful way. If I could change one thing about my life, it would be this very same thing. Now, if I can just handle all the social stress going back to work will bring upon me. I do well for awhile and then get paranoid that my coworkers are conspiring against me and will quit in a spate of rashness.

The following are some pictures out at the lakeside park today followed by a short video. (I am having trouble uploading. Maybe it will fixed in an hour or so.)

The grand dam that holds back West Point Lake. They had one of the flood gates open which is kind of rare. I thought it was neat I got to see the water roaring over the spillway.

Looking down the grand Chattahoochee whose swirling waters beckon and call. I have often wanted to canoe this river.

Dangerous waters ahead!

Reeds in the water.

These ducks kept following me looking for handouts.

More of our feathered friends off in the distance.

West Point Lake behind the dam as seen from my car as I was driving.

Atop the dam looking down. You can actually drive across it.


fiwa said...

Beautiful pictures. I love the one of the reeds and leaves in the water.

Maybe you've said before, but why doesn't your father want you to have a job, if you don't mind my asking?

Glad you seem to be feeling better today.

latibug said...

Andrew -

Have you thought of maybe doing some volunteer work instead of finding a job? That way you are able to come/go as you please (within reason) and still feel like you are contributing to society? Just a thought.

BTW, I have been in and out of here the last few days. I love your pics that you have been posting. That is a great little camera you have. I got a Nikon a few months ago (point and shoot) and I love it. Seems to take better pics outside than inside, but it is all still good.

Hope you are well.


PipeTobacco said...


I greatly enjoy your pictures as well! Thank you.

In terms of a job, latibug may have hit upon just the right idea! Volunteer work may be just the right thing for you... your father cannot protest against that... you can have some variability in your hours... it will not alter your SSDI status... you could find a position that is perhaps more mentally rewarding to you than the grocery store work was... you have expressed interest in social work, in helping the mentally challenged, etc. Perhaps that would be a grand avenue for you to follow.

If, however, volunteering is not for you, would you want to go back to your grocery store position, or another venue? If another venue, which are you looking into? I do not know if you would enjoy being a cook (be it at a diner or at a fast food establishment), but you seem to enjoy cooking at home.

Reguardless, keep in mind always that your worth is not determined by your income or your status. It is determined by your living a happy, contented life of helping others. You already help many with your writings. That again may be some sort of option for you as well, or college courses or something similar.

The sky is the limit!


Amanda said...

I understand why you want to do it. I'd feel the same way. Luckily working for money is just one of many ways to contribute to society and experience the fulfillment of doing something meaningful. It certainly wouldn't hurt to consider other options...

I like your therapist's suggestion. I, too, try to "feel the fear and do it anyway" but, from painful experience, I also know it's sensible to start small. The chances of getting overwelmed and quitting - which would make me feel even worse - are not as high.

austere said...

The dam pictures are just lovely. It is a rather huge lake, no? We'd vacationed at an old lake once, there is a bit at lakeoftreasures.rediffblogs.com.

I think some structure to the day would be nice. And maybe start with tiny time slots of interacting with other people and take it from there? I'll have you know I can stay chatting at a party for an hour now- which is quite something, versus some ten minutes and "oh I relaly have to rush", which was earlier.