Tonight I cooked some chicken parmigiana, a vegetable medley in a lemon butter sauce, and some linguini with a marinara sauce. I topped it all off with a glass of milk, two dinner rolls, and a banana for dessert. Soon, I was in the shower getting ready for tonight’s Big Book study at the A.A. meeting hall. I noticed in the mirror as I stood in my bathroom drying my hair that I badly need a haircut. One of my biggest social phobias is having to go over to Jim’s barbershop, make small talk, and get a trim. I guess I will have to bite the bullet in the next few days or so. It will take that long to muster up the courage to go.
I drove on over to the meeting hall after dusk and took a seat. We had another small group tonight. We are listening to recordings of commentary as we read along in our books every Wednesday night. Tonight’s meeting told the story of an alcoholic who tried everything possible to stay sober to no avail. He was considered a lost cause. He had lost everything. He found the halls of A.A. and stayed sober for many years until his death of natural causes. He died a man with little regrets.
It is hard for me to imagine living the rest of my natural life without a drink. I have romanticized getting just a six pack and getting comfortably numb lately. I play mind games in that I try to tell myself I am not an alcoholic and just a “problem drinker” with a problem that can be solved. Deep in my heart I know the truth though. I am one of those unenviable souls who will never be able to drink like a normal person and must abstain. My life had become unmanageable during my drinking days and I don’t want to go back to that chaos that it was when I was amidst a divorce, homeless, and completely blitzed around the clock. I was a useless human being with a soul devoid of any redeeming qualities. I lived only for the next case of beer I could purchase and drink. It was a sad life and I have to keep reminding myself how far I have come since that Christmas, homeless, in 2004.
I did something very uncharacteristic for me today. I applied for a Visa credit card online and got immediate approval. The card is in the mail. I tore up my credit cards long ago and vowed never to use another. I tried to justify today’s actions in that I “need” a new $349 dollar LCD computer monitor that I just have to have and can only afford on payment terms. Hopefully, I will have the good sense and willpower to tear the damn thing up when it arrives before activating it. The last thing I need is any kind of debt on my meager income. They say fools are made of wise men in inopportune and weak moments. Hopefully, this old fool will have the sense to wizen up when the time comes. Good night.