Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Internal Battle of the Wills…

I couldn’t sleep this morning. I made my way down to Fat Albert’s in a steady rain. Out of habit, I walked over to the beer cooler and stood there looking at the rows upon rows of beer and malt liquor.

“It’s kind of early to be drinking beer, don’t cha think?” Rang out, startling me, and bringing me out of my beer induced trance.

I turned to look and the manager was standing there with a mop in hand.

“You are Carolyn’s boyfriend, aren’t you?” She then asked.

“We are no longer dating,” I replied.

“Sorry to hear that,” She said. “Carolyn was one of our best workers. We all miss her.”

I left the manager and walked over to fix a coffee and then to the counter to get what I originally came for.

“Two cartons of Smoker’s Choice little cigars lights 100s please,” I said.

The clerk grabbed two cartons and rung me up.

“That will be $21.50,” She replied.

I handed over my money and grabbed the plastic bag of cigars. I made my way out to the car as the rain still steadily poured. My hands were shaking and I placed my forehead upon the steering wheel as I let out a deep sigh.

“One day at a time,” I whispered. “You only have to not drink one day at a time.”

I finally regained my composure and drove the short drive home with thoughts of alcohol and inebriated bliss upon my mind. My internal battle of the wills is still waging as I write this. Does it ever get easier? I do hope so.


Keeph said...

My thoughts are with you this morning...and I pray that you find the strength you need to get through this day. How's the game cube comin' along:)

Andrew said...

Hey Keeph,

I have almost finished Zelda and am working on Metroid. They are fantastic games and help pass the time.

abbagirl74 said...

Good morning good lookin'! Does it ever get easier? Hell no. Life is hard enough all by itself. But, you have family and friends who love you dearly. With their support and your will, that can make a pretty good team. No going at it alone, not when so many people can help you.

Hey, YOU have a great day, okay? I will be thinking of you during my drive time at work. Everytime I play John Mayer's 3x5, I think of you. Have some fun today!

CCC said...

I've asked myself the same on a number of occasions. That was four years ago when I quit my two-pack a day habit. And never went back. Alcohol/nicotine addiction is like an Ex who won't let go; always there waiting for you, but over the months (and yrs) you finally learn to ignore the late night calls and frenzied pleas. And the ridiculous notion of getting back together. It didn't work the first time; what makes you think it will work now? Ignore her. ;)

Kristen said...

Hey, Andrew, hang in there.

How about doing something different today? Perhaps 'the same old' is a bit too much the same. I just revisited some two-year-old photos I took at a botanical garden during the long winter days. What a treat that was, both the visit and to see the photos again.

Would anything like that be of interest to you? Your new camera could delight us with all sorts of images!

We are thinking of you. I am sure you have lots of friends who would love to have you call for a chat. (I am one.)

Anonymous said...


What happened with Carolyn?

The tobacco purchase seems extremely budget friendly! The combination of low taxes and cigar status has kept the price of those reasonable. Bravo!


(Again it seems damnable Blogger is not allowing me to use my Blogger Account on its damnable beta blog, so I am seeing if this works.)

SKQBDOO said...

Hang in there Andrew. You walked out of the store without the beer. I would think that was a wonderful accomplishment.

DramaMama said...

I wish I could answer your question but I can't. But, my father was an alcoholic, my ex-hubby was what I considered to be one but may not have been the exact definition of one and that is all I know of it. My view point is from the outside looking in. Time is supposed to heal everything, but with alcoholism, I'm not sure if the desire will ever go away, but maybe your strength will keep growing and you'll be able to fight it easier.

austere said...

It has all been said. In for the vote.

Elena said...

hey. im a random reader. i admire ur determination to quit, and i pray that you will succeed! :)

Trying2BMe said...

I stumbled across your blog and read several of your posts. There is no such thing as a cure for addiction, you will always be recovering; however, that doesn't mean you won't become stronger. From what I see, you have great determination to battle this and I for one will be cheering loudly for you.

Good luck, God bless and never take more than a moment at a time.

fiwa said...

Just keep plugging and know that we're all behind you.

I wish I could wave my wand and send you a quick fix. Instead I'm sending my thoughts and prayers.


Summer said...

I'm not sure what to say about the news. I was wondering though, thinking I shouldn't ask. It's none of my business. I hope you're ok with it all.

You're a strong man. I know you'll get to where you want to go.

I have no doubt.

Cheryl said...

One day at a time is right. I just wanted to stop by and say hello.

RICH said...

one day at a time dude!!! Do you have a sponsor you could call?

It's all up to you and your higher power.


SimplyTim said...

Andrew: My vote: I agree with everyone so far.

My input: Yes. It can. It's possible. - all true.


intervention said...

Andrew, I can imagine your struggles but we must all understand that it is never easy to gain control over our desire, only yours is alcohol. Your family and friends can help you out. I remember a friend who went through an intervention and it did help him.