Sunday, December 31, 2006

After Midnight...

It’s well after midnight. I lay in the bed listening to the sounds of the night. Far off, the sound of a police car siren erupts to handle some crisis. A dog barks and Maggie perks up her ears. I lay in the bed wrapped in my warm covers listening to the world unfold around me. Maggie is at my feet chewing on the rawhide bone I had given her the night before. I reach down to pet her and she licks my hand. She crawls up near me and snuggles up by my side under the covers as she continues to gnaw on that bone. I drift back to sleep again to vivid, startling dreams and a darkened room only alit by my porch light outside my back door.

I am awakened again and it is 3 AM. My stomach grumbles. “I need to take my medicine,” I say to myself as Maggie looks on earnestly from the bed. I do not feel well at all. I push the covers aside and get breakfast started. Today’s offerings are three pieces of buttered cheese toast, two bananas, and a very large glass of orange juice. Maggie walks into the kitchen looking up at me earnestly for any charity. I give her a large piece of cheddar cheese as I slice it for my toast. She is back again in moments after eating looking for more.

After my breakfast, I quickly gulp down the six pills that so define my life these days hoping I will feel better in an hour. “Please God, give me some peace,” I mutter as I head to the den hearing imaginary car doors shut outside my windows. I awake my sleeping computer to first check my blog. Tears roll down my cheeks to see that so many kind people commented. I am caught in the throes of loneliness and schizophrenia and the words of others mean so much to me. It is good to not feel so alone. I read the last comment from Austere and a Beatles song comes to mind. I imagine I am singing along side her. Her words touch my heart and I feel better for the moment.

My thoughts turn to alcohol. “A twelve pack of strong ice beer would be nice and make you feel better,” I think to myself. “No!” I mutter aloud excitedly. “You cannot handle drinking just a twelve pack. You will be a drunken mess by noon.” I solemnly sit in the darkness of my den only lighted by the harsh fluorescent glow of my computer monitor. “You will be okay,” I say as I try to reassure myself. “Give the medicine time…just give the medicine time.”

I only took one picture yesterday. It was of a partly cloudy sky. I share that with you now. On such dark nights as tonight such pictures remind me that tomorrows do indeed come. I long for daylight and another partly cloudy to sunlit sky. Darkness overcomes me at the moment.


greglo said...

Hey friend!

I remember you said it was not easy for you to talk on the phone. Nightime for you is daytime for me. Should you feel like talking or listen to some strange frog's english sounds then skype is just a click away; my skype name is laurentgregoire and I'll be happy to spend time talking with you!

Best wishes... clear, sunny, winter day here, it's 10:25 AM


austere said...

about 3 in the afternnon and an essay on NPT/ Iran.. strange way to spend a sunday afternoon, no? but dont ask!
Maggie is asleep?

austere said...

Added you to chat on gmail. I think, that is.

Amanda said...

Unfortunately, for the mentally interesting person such horrible moments are practically guaranteed... :(

It's the way we cope with them that says the most about us.

You did the right thing and talked yourself through it, while waiting for the meds to kick in.

You are a hero, Andrew.

Cheryl said...

I hope your meds have kicked in and that you're feeling better. I'm so glad that we can be of some comfort to you. Maybe you can get out and take a photo hike today? How about lunch at Roger's? I can picture that delicious southern cooking.

greglo said...

Oh yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!! pictures from lunch at Roger's!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

please!!!! please!!!!! please!!!!!!

Annabel said...

I hope this morning finds you feeling better. I will also pray for you have some peace as well. I'm up getting ready to go to church. I'm sorry you've had such a rough morning so far. I hope you are able to get out for a hike - that usually seems to make you feel better... do take pictures if you head out!
I wanted to be able to share some pictures of the glorious snow we were supposed to get, but we barely got a trace here.

SimplyTim said...


I know you like to read so I'd like to pass on two books you may want to take a serious look at.

The first is a true gem. The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. It's about the mind and the body and meditation. His opening statement about his insight in the middle of a sleepless night and in the midst of a significant depression that "this is not me" starts his discovery process.

Second: Loving What Is by Byron Katie. Her journey also started from a point of very significant depression (and I think drinking also - she talks about that in the book.) She talks about a process she refers to as "the enquiry" and then adds a "turnaround." You can find it in the book.

They both explore the nature of reality and consciousness in very practical ways. Katie particularly addresses the reality and impact of thoughts.

I have found the both of them very valuable for my own life.

I do not have Schizophrenia so I am not clear if they would be as helpful for you.

Wishing you and all your readers a healthy New Year.


PipeTobacco said...


Wishing you well on your day no matter what method(s) of activity you have employed.

Always remember that you are a good, kind-hearted, intelligent person NO MATTER what else is befalling you, be it mental health issues, medication issues, tobacco/alcohol issues/interpersonal issues/ or anything.... YOU ARE STILL GOOD, KIND-HEARTED, AND INTELLIGENT.

It is WHO YOU ARE INSIDE that matters... all else is simply structure. You have already reached 100% inside.

Adriana Bliss said...

I thought of you this morning when my middle son complained (no, he cried) about having to take medication for his tics. He doesn't understand the purpose of them because of course, he's not showing any tics! Don't need meds if there aren't any symptoms! They serve a purpose, we all know. You did good. Wish words could heal your heart. Just know you've got another reader who thinks of you and your struggles from time to time.

Leann said...


I know exactly how you feel. I struggle to get through each day wondering at the reason I even have to endure it. Ultimately there is a purpose whether we understand it or not.

I so enjoy reading about your life. Seeing the pictures whether they be by camera or thru the elegance of your writing.

I've told you before and will state again, that you are truly gifted with words. I believe it is the very thing you curse that makes you this way. This curse is truly a blessing to others, as odd as that sounds.]

Take care my friend and I hope 2007 brings you wonderful things.


Cheryl said...

Happy New Year to you, my friend.

2 The World U R 1 Person, 2 1 Person U R The World said...

I guess we're both having long dark and lonely nights. I just sent off an email to you and had to come check to see if you'd posted today.

I hope you started feeling better once your meds kicked in. Isn't it nice to have so many people care about you? But more so, telling you that they care. There are more readers who just aren't the commenting type who care how you're doing too.

Good night my friend. Take Care!


austere said...

Good Morning!
I saw some very pertty fireworks last night, and since the gurudwara (sikh temple) was all lit up for some festical they have, it looked astounding, the rockets bursting in an arc of lights over a white dome.. was speechless.