I was wracked with paranoia all day yesterday afternoon. It is the strangest feeling where your head buzzes and you can’t concentrate. The slightest noise or movement will cause you to jump. I came so close to pulling down the blog as that was a major source of my paranoia. I just feel I reveal and share too much for my own good most days. It is a by product of my mental illness. I also got in an email tussle with The Homeless Guy and that didn’t help my mind as well. That guy is dangerous when you back him into a corner like a caged animal. I am actually scared of him and it takes a lot for me to get scared. At the time, I wasn’t feeling well mentally and wasn’t adequately able to defend myself and make concise arguments which left me feeling naked. If I know what is good for me, I should give that guy a wide berth from now on. I wonder if it takes being homeless or formerly homeless to realize just how full of shit that guy really is.
Yesterday evening, I just walked once again. I made my way through my neighborhood under the stark glow of the street lamps thinking. My mind had finally calmed down enough to give me some peace. When I get like I did yesterday, I actually have a hard time remembering what I did and what happened. I kept thinking Ferret had come over last night wanting some things. I walked by Monte’s house and Ferret was thoroughly confused by my line of questioning about his visit yesterday. To me, it was vividly real. It never happened. It can get bad when your reality and the rest of world’s reality doesn’t jibe.
I am once again up in the wee hours of the morning and can’t sleep. I think I only slept around three hours. I really need to get to the doctor to see about getting prescribed a sleep aid. I just hate to add another pill to the cocktail I currently take. My Risperdal Consta (anti-psychotic) costs over $1000 a month alone. I wish I could crawl into my soft bed and sleep for days.