I am feeling so blah this morning. My first inclination when I got out of the bed around 4 A.M. was to go get my wallet and count my cash. I sat in my den with a twenty dollar bill in hand mulling over the idea of getting a case of very strong beer and drinking the whole day away after visiting Fat Albert’s. Tears rolled down my cheeks as this internal battle of the wills waged. I finally put the money back in my wallet and cued up some comforting music (Saving Private Ryan soundtrack) and decided to write. Thus you get this post. I am hoping that writing about it will diffuse the situation somewhat.
Carolyn came over last night and flat out told me she was jealous of me and George and my computers (very reminiscent of my ex-wife Rachel). She said I care about them more and that the only thing I talk about these days is some of me and George’s antics in the past. She finally drove home and I was glad she was gone. I didn’t need any drama last night nor was I pandering to it. I find such relationships so beneficial yet so aggravating at the same time. It is hard for me to reconcile the costs versus gains ratio sometimes when it comes to intimate relationships with a female. I went to bed last night completely devoid of emotion on the Carolyn front. Her recent jealously and tirades have completely turned me off of the whole affair. My life is complicated enough without adding to the complications. I can do without sex and have done so for long periods of time before. My medications also completely blunt my sexual and emotional desires and needs. It is just another day in the life of a schizophrenic zombie. Grrrr!