Sunday, November 19, 2006

And She Laughs…

I’ve been struggling with a great deal of paranoia today. All during my hike today, I thought passers by were laughing at me and pointing at me from their cars and trucks. As I hiked through the convenience store parking lot on my way home, I heard a lady loudly laughing and I just knew she was laughing at me. I had to fight the urge to holler out and tell her to shut up. When you see crazy people out upon the streets lashing out or talking loudly to themselves then these are the internal paranoia’s and conversations that are going on inside their minds. I have to actively fight the urge to say something to strangers when I walk by as I think they are laughing at me and mocking me.

I am feeling kind of stir crazy as well tonight. These short winter days really get me down and I find myself sitting in my den with every light on in the house trying to fight back the depressing darkness of a long winter’s night. I can’t wait until tomorrow arrives again and I get to head out for my daily hike down the rails in the bright daylight. Despite my paranoia today, my hike was a pleasurable experience; at least, when I was on the rails well away from other people and their prying eyes.


Summer said...

I was wondering if you could take an antidepressant along with your other medications to help you with the SAD. Is that possible? I know how you feel about these long dark nights. BUT... in just a little more than a month, the earth will begin turning back towards the sun. Something to look forward too. I will celebrate!

Andrew said...


Thanks for the advice. I take 20 mg of Lexapro every morning which I believe is an SSRI type medication. This kind of stuff that I dealt with today just ebbs and flows. It is part of my existence. Some days are just better than others. I was just having a crappy day schizophrenia wise today. That is why I like walking the railroad tracks so much as it is on the outskirts of town and very few people are around. I don’t have to deal with the SAD and paranoia.

I still read you religiously everyday and can’t wait to get a new update on how things are with your son. I hope things are okay. Thank you as always for being such a cool online friend and blogging cohort.


Kristen said...

Did you see my suggestion a few posts ago about having lights come on with timers at 5 am?

Soft lighting after 9:00 PM,
In bed by 11,
and bright lights on by timer at 5 AM in your bedroom.

I have been getting a lot of relief from SAD with this method.

This method can help to create a stable day-length for your body.

Andrew said...


I read your comment and appreciated the advice. The truth is I am kind of strapped for cash these days with all the expenses my new house is incurring. I just can afford to run out and buy timers and extra lights at this time. I will just have to take an “old school” approach and leave my incandescent lights on longer before retiring for the evening. I have spot lights in the ceiling of my den and they are very, very bright and I have been burning them in the evenings. Thank you as always for your offering of help and the comments.


m said...

when i was a kid i used to think that people were laughing at me!
i also thought people in cars were following me around town.

Michelle said...

I've been struggling a lot the last few weeks with the change of season too. I really don't like this time of year. But for whatever reason it's hitting me harder than years past. When it's dark and dreary, it's the worst. Kristen - I may have to try your suggestion!

I really like your blog. I stumbled onto it about a month ago and it's a blog I check daily. Hang in there and we'll all feel better once spring gets here!

Kristen said...


The problem with having bright light in your environment late at night is that it contributes to insomnia. Even staring at the computer screen late at night can keep you awake!

The body needs the light to get softer starting at 9:00 or so in order to wind down for sleep.

You can use any light you want in your bedroom to come on at 5 AM.

An inexpensive timer costs $7.00: A cheap investment if it brings peace of mind. If it doesn't help, I'll send you the $7.00!!!

PS How do you get away with not having word verification? I tried it for two days and got spammed in the comments!

Holly said...

From your side of the fence, tell me what I can do when I pass someone on the street that is feeling that I may be laughing at them. Is there something I can say or do to make it better?

I think I must be one of the lucky individuals that are not affected by lights. I am ok with one lamp on in my house but I know that I am not the norm. My friends all tease me about it. Hang in there… tomorrow will be a better day!

abbagirl74 said...

Dearest Andrew,
Sit down in a comfortable chair. Close your eyes. Think about the wonderful memories that you have of your family. Think about all of the friends you have acquired on your blog. Think about all of the people in your life who think about you and love you.

If you think about these things, anxiety should decrease. Knowing the love and warmth that is there for you should knock those obnoxious people right out of your mind.

We are always here for you whenever you need us. The best of us will never judge you. We will always have your best interest at heart.