Monday, April 25, 2005

Sleep Deprivation

Thanks for all the comments and support. It was really nice this morning to check out my blog and to read all the comments. Freya, there is a journal about a man living in his van in Hawaii floating around on the internet. He has some invaluable tips on car living in that state. I will endeavor to find it this week. I don’t have my bookmarks with me and can’t remember the link off the top of my head.

Pipe, thanks for the book suggestion. The library did indeed have a copy of that Steinbeck novel. I am currently reading The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini. As soon as I finish that in a day or two, I will delve into your suggestion.

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I am operating on only three hours of sleep. Last night was very cold and uncomfortable and very unseasonable for this time of year. My summer sleeping bag is rated at a comfort level of forty degrees. Those ratings are not very accurate on those cheaper sleeping bags. It got down into the upper thirties last night and I almost froze my ass off. I would wake up chilled and with icy feet and would have to crank the car and run the heater to get warmed up. I will know next time to always bring my winter weight sleeping bag for emergencies. You never know what Mother Nature will throw at you.

In a small conservative southern town, people are very suspicious and wary of anything out of the normal. I have learned to blend in as much as possible. Luckily, my car looks like what any self respecting soccer mom would drive. It really blends in other than looking new. I look like I have money and it doesn’t draw the attention of the locals or police. I am realizing that this is key to car living. You want to look like you belong there.

I parked overnight at a local twenty four hour grocery store. I figured it would not look out of the normal to be parked all night by such an establishment. There was one thing that I didn’t take into account. That was noise as I am a very light sleeper. Throughout the night the sound of car doors shutting and people talking would jar me awake. Note to self: Find a quieter sleeping spot tonight. I finally gave up on sleeping around 3 am and put on some warm clothes, turned on the radio, and waited for daybreak as I read a book to the map light in my car.

Around 6 am, I drove over to the Waffle House for breakfast. They have a cheap and filling breakfast with free coffee refills to boot. I ate a large ham and cheese omelet, some hash browns, and some toast. I sat for a long time reading a newspaper, people watching, and drinking ample cups of coffee. I didn’t want to overstay my welcome and I made sure to tip the waitress very well for all the refills she poured.

Next I headed down to the local truck stop for a shower. They give you a ticket with a numerical code that unlocks the shower door. They also give you a towel and one of those hotel sized bars of soap. Inside is a small room with a shower, toilet, and sink. There is also a disposable paper mat on the floor. I showered, shaved, brushed my teeth, and got myself looking presentable. The hot shower was much needed after my very chilly existence last night. I felt like a new man with a good meal in my belly and that feeling of clean. (A little tip from my truck driving days: Always use a cheap pair of flip flops in these showers. You are likely to get athletes feet or other interesting foot maladies without them.)

More later if I get the chance. I am now off to take a nap as I can barely stay awake. I am going to drive out to the lake and hit one of the seldom used parks out there and catch some shuteye.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Are You Crazy?

Tomorrow starts an adventure and an experiment. I am going to try living in my car for a week to see how it works. I have read tons of material about this online. There are some really good informative websites on the Internet covering this subject. I am going to try to be as orthodox as possible as if I was really homeless. My apartment will be off limits until the Monday after next.

The rear seats of my car fold flat forming a cargo area. I tested it this morning and there is ample enough room for me to stretch out in my sleeping bag. I do need to get an air mattress though as the floor is hard and uncomfortable. I will check down at Wal-Mart today.

For internet access, I will use the local county library. They have about ten computers set up through Knology cable modems that are free to use with no time limit. All you have to do is sign in and have a library card. That I already have.

I am also doubling my budget for one week only to mimic not having the expense of rent and utilities. That would give me around $200 dollars a week without those expenses. I suspect I will be eating out a lot in the upcoming week and will be using more gasoline.

My sleeping spots are already picked out and researched. I will first try a 24 hour grocery store parking lot. I also have the Georgia and Alabama rest areas on the interstate as well. I will shower at the truck stop on the Cusseta exit a few miles down the interstate.

If you need to reach me, comment on my blog. I will be checking in everyday and writing about my experiences. I will not have access to my main email account or a phone. A friend suggested that I get one of those prepay cell phones but I hate cell phones and don’t particularly like talking on the phone anyway.

Tonight will be my first night out. I hope this makes for an interesting experience for me and interesting reading for you. Good day and off we go!

Saturday, April 23, 2005

This Old House Update

Well, they started work on my laundry room today. I just got back from overseeing what they were doing and the plans. Charlie helped me get all this up and the fellow who is doing the work. I don’t know what I would do without Charlie.

The laundry room is being added to the back of the house out from the kitchen. They are also building some stairs that come down to my backyard from the backdoor. The washer and dryer are currently sitting in my basement. The guy said it would take about two weeks to complete the work.

Next on the agenda is getting new carpet laid. The current carpet is a hideous lime green from the seventies and looks very tired. I just have to come up with the money to do all this and that is why it is taking so long to get moved in. I have to take this project one step at a time and as money allows. I am very eager to get moved in!

Midnight Storms

Yesterday afternoon I was sitting at this computer completely bored and listless. I couldn’t find anything interesting to read. I also tried to read a book but just couldn’t concentrate on it. I decided to pack up some food and my gear and head out into the country to go camping. I needed to get my head out of the house for awhile and spend some time with nature. I donned my backpack and made my way out spring road with beautiful spring views greeting me. It was a pleasantly warm afternoon in the low eighties.

I set up camp amidst some hardwood trees a few miles from the main road. Well away from any habitation. I then went about the hunt for fallen dead wood for a fire. After about an hour of searching, I had a big pile and started a fire. My stomach was eager for some nourishment so I started supper which consisted of scrambled eggs and bacon cooked over the fire. I also boiled some water on my camp stove and cooked some instant grits w/ cheese. I do so enjoy breakfast for supper sometimes and it just seems to taste better and more filling when you are camping for some reason.

After supper, I sat by the fire listening to my radio and smoking my pipe. It was a beautiful evening as the sun set with brilliant hues of orange and yellow. The far off call of a Dove made me feel lonesome with its mournful sound. I sometimes wish I could find a companion who shared my zeal for these types of endeavors. It would be nice to talk about life and other sundry things as we sat around a crackling campfire.

The computer generated weather band announcer warned of strong thunderstorms approaching along a cold front. I gathered all my gear and put it into my tent in preparation. I still couldn’t hear the far off rumbles of thunder yet. Soon darkness had fallen and I crawled into the sleeping bag in my tent. I was very tired and was soon fast asleep.

Around midnight I was awoken to the far off sound of thunder. I unzipped my tent door and sat at the threshold. Far off flashes of lightning lit up the dark horizon. Before long the storm was upon me with a torrential rain. I wrapped back up in my sleeping bag listening to the great commotions going on around me. I finally drifted off back to sleep.

I awoke again around 3am and it was still softly raining. My sleeping bag was soaking wet. I was lying in a puddle of water. I had forgotten to seam seal this brand new tent and it had leaked during the night. I cursed under my breath and changed into some dry clothes. I couldn’t go back to sleep in that wet sleeping bag and still had three more hours till the sky started to lighten. The sun rises at 7:00 AM EST this time of the year. So I just sat there kind of miserable trying to stay out of the puddle of water that was forming at the center of my tent. As soon as the sky started to grow light, I packed up all my gear and headed home. I had a grand time other than waking up soaking wet.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Bike Rides of Bliss

Early this morning I got on my mountain bike and rode down into West Point, Georgia. I traversed the bridge over the Chattahoochee River and stopped at the local convenience store. A policeman walked out and commented on my Auburn football t-shirt…..

“We are going to beat ya’ll next year!” He said goodheartedly as he laughed.

I assumed he was speaking of Auburn’s archrival Alabama. Apparently he was an Alabama fan. I laughed back and told him to have a good day and spoke a hearty “War Eagle” (our battle cry) in reply as he got back into his patrol car.

I walked in and bought a cup of coffee and a honey bun. I then sat down outside on the curb enjoying my purchase. I watched as the sun’s first light began to brighten the land and a small southern town once again came back to life for another day.

As the sun rose higher and my coffee turned cold, I climbed aboard my bike and once again made my way back towards the river. I spotted Dumpster Diving Dan busily feeding the seagulls in the parking lot beside the liquor store and headed that way. I greeted him and watched as hundreds of voracious seagulls greedily snapped up his offerings of stale bread. They squawked loudly and scrambled amidst each other in this great mass of grey and white. I then made my way home and took a long, hot shower.

What a great way to start your day with exercise and interesting moments!

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Reflections

I am now finished with college till next fall. At the start of this process, I was all gung ho and excited. I thought college would be this fun learning experience and enlightening. I quickly realized it was nothing more than rote memorization that you quickly forgot a few weeks afterwards. I quickly became disillusioned and depressed over this endeavor. It took much more discipline that I could have imagined to make it through this tedious process. I did end up with two As and a B in biology so I did fairly well. At the end, I just tried to make college fun and didn’t participate in the “getting a good grade” treadmill.

I now realize that for me to graduate from college I will have to find a major that interests me greatly and that I enjoy. I had plans to become a social worker because I wanted to help people with mental illness and addictions. After much study and reading about the profession I no longer want to be a social worker. It is a tedious and thankless job that pays little for lots of work. My heart just isn’t in it. I am now leaning more towards a learning a useful trade such as becoming a car mechanic. I am very talented when it comes to this area. My college offers a two year degree in this area and I already have one semester under my belt that I took before I became a long haul truck driver. We will just have to wait and see. I have a long summer to mull over more ideas and come to a conclusion. Maybe after a summer break my gusto will be renewed.

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Adrenaline

I was just outside smoking my pipe in the pre-dawn dark. Suddenly, several large and noisy animals came barreling through the back yard just feet away from me. They sounded like a pack of hyenas. My heart raced and the adrenaline started to flow as I could not make out what they were and they sounded ominous. They were too large to be dogs and too noisy to be deer. I quickly put out my pipe and escaped in the safe confines of my apartment. I still have no idea what in the hell they were.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Border Town Antics

I just got back from visiting the local convenience just across the Georgia state line. It was complete mayhem with cars lined up everywhere. It seems the mega-millions lottery has surpassed $200 million and people are scrambling to buy tickets. Alabama does not have a lottery so all the Alabamians drive over into Georgia to buy tickets and to participate.

I personally do not play the lottery and think it is complete folly. I have never bought a ticket. The odds of winning are so incredibly small as to be laughable. The majority of the people I saw in the lottery lines were poor people and African Americans hoping to strike it rich. I over heard one lady saying she just knew this was her day. I chuckled under my breath at her naivety. Lady, save that dollar a day you spend and over your lifetime you will have a sizable amount with compounded interest. I sometimes feel as if the lottery is a tax on the poor and stupid.

Memoirs of my Homeless Days

An old journal entry from my journal when I was homeless...

I have found that I can drink all day on light beer. Normal beer or ice beer fucks me up in a matter of hours. I can drink 18 light beers over a 12 hour period and only be moderately drunk. I can drink 6 ice beers and I will be slurring my speech. I have found 18 packs of keystone light for $7.99. A twelve pack of ice beer is $5.99.

I guess one of the main reasons I drink so much is the despair over my divorce and the boring, stale nature of my life at the moment. I absolutely have nothing to do all day other than to go over to Memaw’s house and get on the internet. I have all this bitter pain inside and a few drinks lessen it. I forget my ails and woes and feel better for a few short hours. Luckily, I don’t have hangovers like I did when I was a young man.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Congratulations Ye Catholics

I just heard on the radio that a new papacy has been established. My mother is Roman Catholic and so was my ex-wife. Apparently they elected the Cardinal from Germany and his chosen name is Benedict the 16th. Even though I am a secular humanist, I find the ceremony and history of the Catholic Church fascinating.

I called my mother a moment ago to tell her the good news.

“Mom, they elected a new Pope.” I said.

“What happened to the old Pope?” She mumbled as if in a stupor.

I burst out laughing. She was still drowsy from sleep and not thinking. I woke her up when I called and who knows how much Zanax she had taken.

“Mom, John Paul died a few weeks ago.” I replied trying to choke back the chuckles.

“Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.” She said groggily.

“Mom, have you had a few zanax?” I asked cautiously.

“Just three or was it six?” She replied still slurring her words.

“You call me if you need to go somewhere. DO NOT DRIVE!” I said emphatically.

I hung up the phone and let her go back to sleep.

Relocating

More Memoirs from my Homeless Days...

I grew wary of my current camping spot and decided to relocate. I am camping on private land even though my family owns hundreds of acres nearby. I just loved this spot as it overlooked a meadow on the edge of a pine forest. It was a pristine view of the stars, sunsets, and sunrises. I was afraid I had overstayed my welcome and decided to move. I feared I would be discovered any day now.

I parked my motorcycle in a secluded spot and covered it with pine boughs. I then packed up all my gear and attached it to my big backpack and headed out down the dirt road. I hiked what seemed like miles until I made it to the millpond and a very seldom used side road. My backpack felt like it held a ton of bricks as I carried everything that I owned. It probably weighed a hundred pounds. My leg muscles burned from carrying all that stuff on my back.

My family used to own this millpond for decades. They used to grind corn into cornmeal for the surrounding farmers. It is a beautiful 30 acre pond with a stone dam and an old house beside it that houses the mill works. My grandfather’s brother sold it in the early sixties causing an uproar within the family. He sold it for $65,000 dollars when he was short on cash and it is probably worth millions today.

I stealthily hiked up the side road beside the house and made my way down into a basin that ran along side the pond. I found a perfect spot amid old growth hardwoods and pitched my tent. This place will be my new home for awhile and then I will have to relocate again. For the time being, I have a beautiful view across the pond amid gigantic old hardwood trees. The heavily leaf covered ground will make for much more comfortable sleeping.

Early Morning Musings

I am in this strange phase of going to bed as it gets dark and waking up well before sunrise. I am sitting here sipping on a hot mug of coffee and just felt like rambling. Those hours before sunrise are calming and comforting to me. I feel as if I am the only human awake. Before long the birds will be calling in earnest. They start around 6 AM every morning. I call this the “magical hour” as everything comes back to life for another day.

Before long the phone will start ringing. Great Uncle Bob is trying to reach me for me to take him to the hospital for another standard procedure. I missed him several times yesterday and didn’t get his messages till bed time. His messages were quite comical. He doesn’t quite get the jest of my answering machine. There were several calls with him hollering, “Hello?” as if I had answered the phone and wasn’t talking. It put a big smile on my face as I heard each message and imagined Bob on the other end perplexed. I might as well just call him this morning after breakfast and see what day he needs me to take him and to stop the phone tag.

I also had several phone messages from my some time friend Chad. I and Chad used to be best friends during high school but I distance myself from him now. It seems his mother went out and bought him a decent used car and he immediately went and pawned the title for drinking money. Now, they are threatening to come get the car if he doesn’t pay off the pawn ticket. He wanted me to let him borrow $1000 to get his title out of pawn. I almost spit the coke I was drinking through my nose when I heard that on my answering machine. Needless to say his messages got deleted and I will ignore any more. I will never see that money again if I let him borrow it as he is incredibly stupid and irresponsible. He only calls me if he needs money. A “real friend” I tell ya. *sarcasm* (Who in the fuck would pawn their car title?!?!)

I have been on this big kick of listening to talk AM radio lately. The only things on talk radio are endless commercials, financial shows, and political talk shows. My finances are so simple it’s laughable and I hate politics so I am not sure why I am listening to this stuff. Buffoons like Rush Limbaugh are comical though in the rhetoric and propaganda they spout religiously every day. I find it amusing and interesting to hear. I can’t believe that people really believe some of this crap these guys like Rush vehemently bitch about all day.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Beautiful Sunrise

More Memoirs of my Homeless Days

I awoke this morning to freezing cold and deathly silence. It seemed as if the woods were dead and I was the only one alive. I unzipped my tent door and poked my head out to smoke still wrapped in my sleeping bag. I was greeted by a beautiful sunrise and frost upon everything. I could see my breath with every exhale. Brrrrrr! I smoked my cigarette and wrapped back up in my warm sleeping bag. I waited till the sun had risen enough to remove some of the chill in the air before I got up and about.

About midday, I was starving. I put on my shoes which had accompanied me in my sleeping bag and put on my heavy jacket. I used my lighter to light my camp stove and boiled some water. I then poured the boiling water into a cup of ramen noodles and ravenously wolfed them down. Finally satiated, I donned my radio and listened to the weather band. The computer generated voice assured me of pleasant weather. I long for a warm day and maybe today will be the day. I just have to wait on the sun to do his thing.

Happy Trails

Had a great outing yesterday. My legs are awfully sore today though and are balking from my exertions. The odometer on my bike says that I rode over 12 miles. At one point I stopped by a large pond taking in my surroundings. It was a beautiful day with the sun high overhead and a gentle breeze. The temperature was comfortable and not too hot. I could see the bream and bass swimming at the ponds edge. I sat and munched on some cheese and crackers taking long draughts from my water bottle while listening to the weather band on my radio.

Today is the start of my dreaded final exams. I think I am ready as I am ever going to be. I will just go in and do my best. One more week to go and I will be finished for the summer. I cannot wait. I have some interesting and exciting plans for this summer. I cannot wait until the days really warm up and the afternoon thunderstorms start to pop. Ah, summer in the south.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Homeless Blogging

More Memoirs of my Homeless Days

I found a journal written by a homeless guy named Kevin today. I had never heard of blogs before. I was looking for information or tips to make homelessness easier and more comfortable. He didn’t have anything useful for homeless people on his blog. He didn’t even have any links to help homeless people. It was mainly just a personal journal. I really would like to find a journal or website that helps the homeless help themselves.

I think I will try this blogging thing. I did sign up for a blog and joined the homeless blogs webring. It is run by a homeless guy in Vermont. From what I have found on the internet there are few success stories when it involves homelessness. I want to write a journal about working towards and getting out of homelessness so people can read what I did and how I did it. I have yet to find a journal or website that tells that tale. Most of these websites are depressing stories with no resolve

Country Trails

Enough studying! I have studied till my brain is numb. I am just going to walk in class tomorrow and take my finals and be done with it. Today shall be a day for enjoyment and fun. The weather will be beautiful with a high of 78 degrees.

I pulled my mountain bike out of the garage after a winter of disuse this morning. I oiled the chain and pumped up the tires. I also packed my day pack with snacks and bottles of water. I am going to head out spring road and hit some country trails today and get some exercise. I will write about my travels later today if I feel like it when I get home.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Birthday Wishes

Last night was my and my sister’s birthday party. Dad did go all out and cooked a great meal. The only problem was that we had to wait for my sister and her husband to arrive from Birmingham to eat which was after 9 PM. I was just famished by the time we ate.

It does seem as you get older the less important your birthdays become. I am very modest when it comes to such things and do not like a fuss. Dad made me and my sister sit at the heads of the table and it made me uncomfortable. I like to sit on the sides and blend in. All in all in was a good time and after the meal we all sat around looking at old family photo albums and laughed. My mother was meticulous in capturing all our childhood memories in photos. Dad good heartedly joked that it cost him a fortune over the years in photo processing through his pharmacy.

    • Birthday Menu:

      A large baked ham w/ homemade barbeque sauce
      Pineapple and cheddar casserole
      Chicken and corn bread dressing
      Asparagus w/lemon and mayonnaise sauce
      German Potato Salad – My favorite dish!
      Deviled eggs with olives
      Homemade yeast rolls
      Homemade chocolate layer cake
      Homemade vanilla ice cream – my grandmother’s special recipe


All in all it was a grand time and I ate till I could eat no more. I had a hard time going to sleep last night due to indigestion.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Memoirs from my homeless days

This will become a regular feature of this blog every few days. I have an old handwritten journal of my homeless days that I found again today and was reading. Many of them are worth sharing. Posting will be as my time to transcribe from paper to digital medium permit.

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One of the hardest aspects of my homelessness has been the insidious cold. It sneaks in every piece of clothing and leaves you numb. When you build a big camp fire, the front of you becomes uncomfortably hot and your back and rear are freezing cold. The only time I can truly be comfortable is to crawl into my warm down sleeping bag and slumber.

I long for above forty degree days. They are a true joy. I used to would pay little attention to the weather and the forecasts. Now, they are integral to my well being and morale. I will listen to the weather band on my little radio as if the words spoken were the sacred words of a prophet. What’s that? 50 degrees and sunny tomorrow? What great joy those words bring to my soul!

The cold can be a relative thing. You quickly grow acclimated to your environment. Forty degrees used to be bone chilling cold to this southerner. Now, it seems like a moderately balmy day. Fifty degree days feel downright warm and spring like. Sixty degree days and you have a veritable summer! Those sixty degree days have been rare and few and far between this November. I long for the spring and respite from this existence! Just four more long months to go.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Bah!!!!!!!

I have been trying to wean myself from writing on this blog but I always come back to it. I guess I am an addict. I just feel really uncomfortable about sharing such personal details about my life with mostly strangers. Maybe I need to be more abstract in my writings and focus on events and not details. Hopefully, that will make me more comfortable about doing this

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Voluntary Homelessness……

I am still putting together some plans for this summer. An original plan was to try car living but sleeping in a car would be unbearably hot during a southern summer. The heat would be stifling. I live in a rural area with lots of woodlands and rural dirt roads so it would be crazy to sleep in a car with a comparably cool tent to sleep in nearby. I have decided to just use the tent and sleeping bag this summer that I bought a few days ago.

I will use my house as home base; a place to store food and to take showers. I will also keep my internet connection active and will use it to update this blog with my experiences. Since I will only at the house sparingly this will greatly reduce my living expenses such as cooling the house this summer. My plan is for voluntary simplicity and to live as simply as possible. I just want to keep my survival skills as sharp and have read a ton of material about doing this online. My first experience with homelessness was miserable and I want to find a way to live comfortably homeless. This blog will be a place to document my attempts and the experiment.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

An insightful and wise old woman…....

My mother’s mother is a spiteful and cantankerous woman. I rarely see her and go visit with her and she only has negative things to say when I do visit. The other day I drove over with my mother to see about her on my mother’s request. Mom has the same feelings as I and didn’t want to go alone. I was sitting in my grandmother’s den as her and my mother was talking in the kitchen. I overheard their conversation and it startled me. My grandmother was actually sticking up for me the first time in my whole life.

“One of Jonathon’s biggest problems is that he can’t live up to Johnny’s expectations.” My grandmother said.

Johnny is my father’s nickname.

“What do you mean?” My mother asked.

“He’s not like his brother and sister. He couldn’t be a doctor. Just let him live a simple and happy life.” She replied. “Don’t put all that pressure on him. He can’t take it like me.”

This brought up many thoughts as I sat there. She really was right. All my life, I have aspired to live up to my father’s expectations and have failed miserably. I am just not like him and my brother or sister. We have different ideas on what success means. Success for me is just a simple life with simple means enjoying the small pleasures and the outdoors. Success for my father is having an esteemed profession or owning your own business. Having lots of money or credit is paramount. Neither of these things motivates me in the least.

I knew a year ago when I accepted my parent’s help to get a home that I would have to compromise a great deal and conform. I would have to once again slide into that role of a dependent and sick child that makes them feel comfortable and sometimes it gets tough. I realized yesterday as I turned 33 that I am treated as a child again. One thing I did have when I was homeless was autonomy and more dignity. It is a hard situation to rectify; homeless and free or homed and dependent upon others. This is something I mull over often and brings me great turmoil. I often romanticize that I would rather live a few short years of hard freedom versus a lifetime of imprisoned dependence on easy street.

Blogger Blues…….

I just really haven’t felt like updating this journal. I have been very busy with school and work. Sometimes I think that blogging or journaling is such a fruitless and narcissistic endeavor and grow weary of it. In these times I take a break. I read so many blogs and they all seem to be cries of attention or recognition. Is that a bad thing? Or is it good? I do not know but I know from my own feelings that blogging lately has just not felt right.

I have written many posts only to keep them to myself. It just feels weird having a multitude of mostly strangers reading the intimate details of my life. My father stresses to keep such intimate details private. He tells me many times to never divulge weakness or illness as others will take advantage of your disadvantage. He says it is only human nature to do so; survival of the fittest as in social Darwinism. I do not know if he is right but I do know that more harm than good has come about when I divulge my mental illness to others. The majority of people are frightened by people who are different or are not normal.

Busy Bee…….

The clutch of semester’s end has me in its grasp. I haven’t had much time to do anything but just work, study, and write papers. I am almost finished with school till next fall. I have decided to forego going to summer school since the classes that term are two hours long. Two hour classes are just not my cup of tea and my attention span doesn’t cope too well with such long classes.

Yesterday was my birthday and I turned 33. I am getting to be an old fart aren’t I? lol I feel much older than my years suggest after all I have gone through in my short life. Sometimes, I do feel like a grumpy old man as my moniker suggests. I feel like a jaded, cynical old crabby bastard.

I didn’t buy a digital camera as planned. I thought it would be stupid to spend such amounts of money on something that would only be used for a blog. I went down to Wal-Mart and bought a new three man tent and summer weight sleeping bag with the hundred dollars my parents gave me yesterday. My previous Wal-Mart tent had seen better days and was beginning to leak like a sieve. Now, I am prepared for many summer camping trips without putting wear and tear on my expensive and nice Kelty tent. Also, my nice, expensive down sleeping bag is tortuously hot in the summer. This new bag has a rating of 40 degrees and a cotton liner and should be more comfortable and bearable in the southern, summer heat.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Checking in……

The past few days have been crazy. I got an email from a friend asking about how I am and I realized that I have completely neglected my blog. I am very busy with the end of the semester hassles at college as several projects and research papers are soon to be due. Finals are in just a few weeks also. I have been busy writing papers and studying.

Today was my birthday and my parents gave me $100 dollars. The practical side of me over ruled the impractical side about my purchase. I decided not to buy a digital camera. It would be something that I would infrequently use and only for this blog. I bought a new Coleman hiker’s 3 man tent and a Coleman summer weight sleeping bag at Wal-Mart. I save my very expensive Kelty tent and down sleeping bag for emergencies and cold weather. I needed two cheap replacements for the wear and tear of summer camping and continual use. My other cheap Wal-Mart tent had begun leaking like a sieve and my cheap sleeping bag had bad mildew stains and smelled like a marathoner’s socks.

I have decided to forego going to summer school. I talked it over with my father and he seems fine about it. I think he was actually glad as it would save him some money in the short term as things are tight with two new car payments and a recent expensive roof replacement. The class periods during summer are 2 hours long and I didn’t think my attention span could handle that. I handle 1 hour classes much better.

I have some interesting experiments coming up that I want to try out. One involves a three week stint at living in my car. I had read tons of material on this and have decided to give it a try. I want to see how feasible it is if I ever am homeless again. I have a very succinct plan and will give it a try. I also plan to do a long, extended stint living in my tent on the land we own near Waverly, Alabama this summer. I want to see how summer rural homelessness differs from the winter rural homelessness that I experienced last year. All of this is to just keep my survival skills sharp and will be an adventure.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Summer break……

I have not been posting much lately. Blogger has had some ills and it has made me wary of trying to post. I have learned my lesson though and always use a word processor before posting as to save my work. Nothing sucks worse than typing out a long post only to have blogger dump it into cyber purgatory.

I have looked at other options for a journal but I hate Live Journal and especially the denizens that frequent that service and Diaryland just seems funky to me. I will just be patient as blogger goes through its teething woes. I really cannot complain too greatly as this is a free service. I cannot remember the last time I got such satisfaction and enjoyment out of something free for such a long period of time.

I had a grand camping trip/mountain bike journey planned for this weekend but had to scrap those plans. Family and school obligations forced me to stay home this weekend as I thought everything over carefully. I just couldn’t afford to “play” this weekend and had to “work”. I spent the weekend working on a 6 page critical review I have to turn in this week for World Literature (I was sloppy and terse in my psychology paper). I also had to study for another biology exam and catch up on reading some chapters. My B grade on the last exam embarrassed me and I vowed to make an A on the upcoming exam on Mendelian Genetics. I tried to make all of this fun and about learning though.

Yesterday morning, I spent six hours at East Alabama Medical Center as they ran a slew of tests on my Great Uncle Bob. He has not been feeling well lately he said. He had asked me to take him and I agreed without hesitation. It was not the most fun thing to do on a Saturday morning but I felt an obligation to help out an elderly family member. For being in his mid-eighties, I think he does surprisingly well.

After a long talk over lunch today with my father, I decided to forego college this summer and will take a break. He seemed perfectly fine about it. My dilemma was that during summer term the classes are two hours long and my attention span doesn’t cope with such long class periods very well. I felt I would miss a lot of class as I got fed up with the long class times. I will start again with renewed vigor in the fall. I look forward to enjoying the upcoming hot, southern summer to the fullest.

Friday, April 8, 2005

Doe ray me…..

Quite often I see a doe and her two fawns in the back yard. She and her offspring have been a persistent view this winter. I have seen them many times this past winter as I go out to smoke my pipe.

The back yard is now a cornucopia of new growth and a veritable deer gourmet. I saw them tonight and I wanted to celebrate! She made it through the hard winter with her two children in tow. I just worry about them getting hit by a car. It is a beautiful sight to behold to see them grazing in the back yard. Here’s to life! May it prosper!

Thursday, April 7, 2005

The dinner fork from hell……

I was driving home from work this afternoon and saw my mother stranded on the side of the road in downtown West Point, Georgia. She was standing next to the car looking perplexed. This is a brand new car with just 100 miles on the odometer. I quickly pulled in and noticed she had a flat tire.

“Well, I was riding along and heard a loud thump and pulled over. It sounded like something fell off the car.” She said.

“You have a flat tire, mom.” I said as I pointed to the offending corner.

“Oh, I am so glad you happened to come by. I have never changed a tire.” She said looking grateful.

“No problem. Let me get it changed.” I replied.

I proceeded to change the tire. The jack on this new Honda Civic must have been designed by monkeys. It was that hard to use. I pulled off the flat tire and what did I see? A freaking dinner fork was stuck in the tire. This was the same kind of fork you eat with. How in the hell did a dinner fork get thrown out on the main street in downtown West Point, Georgia? Was someone eating supper in their vehicle and just decided, “Hey, fuck this fork. Let’s throw it out.” That was just totally weird. Only my mother would have that kind of luck.

After changing the tire, I was soaking wet with sweat from my exertions. Today was a warm day. I just wanted to go home and take a shower. Folks, don’t throw out stainless steel forks on the highway! It causes serious amounts of exertion and inconvenience! lol

Wednesday, April 6, 2005

Wanton Wastefulness…..

I normally only drive my car to school and back down the interstate. Gasoline is very expensive and like gold in my book. I only have so much money to work with every week and I have to make it stretch. Well, today I took a long joy ride and feel guilty over it. It was a blast though!

I wanted to test the all wheel drive of my new car. I took a long drive out smedley road which is a dirt road. At every curve, I would gun the gas and the rear wheels would kick in as the front wheels slipped and would push me around the corners. This brought me great satisfaction. I would glide around the curves as the rear wheels were activated. I drove almost to Lafayette, Alabama which is twenty miles away. I had twenty miles to drive back after my fun. What a waste of gas but what such fun! I needed to get out and to be reckless for a change. It felt bad but it felt damn good at the same time.

Tuesday, April 5, 2005

Connection to keyboard must be unplugged…..

I had all these grand ideas I wanted to express today. I opened up Word and wrote a few paragraphs and lost all steam and forward momentum. I saved the file on my desktop as a reminder to pick up this train of thought maybe later. My mind is kind of foggy but vibrant at the moment. I am thinking great thoughts but just cannot express them in this limited format of writing. Writer’s block maybe?

I see that the formerly “the homeless guy” has gained a home. I am thrilled for him and know the elation of that first night in your own bed in your own abode. I do want to warn him that the initial elation wears off and you tend to forget the despair of homelessness and may even grow to start romanticizing about it. Having a home is a great deal of responsibility/complexity and you are tied to it much as a spouse. It can be quite stressful keeping all the bills paid and budgeting every month especially for a person with a disability and a limited income that is thrust into a new situation. I wish him the best of luck and may he enjoy his new home. The first few weeks are sheer bliss. I envy him of that feeling.

On an unrelated thought, I did get back my biology exam today. I made an 80. I just barely squeaked by with a B didn’t I? A large portion of the class failed the exam and our instructor is giving those individuals the opportunity to take a friendlier, kindlier test. I am glad I just passed and will take my B. It was on genetics and DNA and those are not my strong suites. I have three weeks of school left and will be finished for the summer. My, doesn’t time fly? It seems just like yesterday I was that nervous guy sitting on the front row on the first day of class wondering if I could handle this thing called college.

I also received a letter from the impoverished teenager I donated my truck to today. It was a good, old-fashioned hand written thank you note and it surprised me. He was overjoyed about the car and has great plans for it. I am sure it has another good 40,000 miles left on the clock and with some TLC will get him through high school. He wants me to come over sometimes when I visit my great aunt and help him rebuild the engine when he gets up the money this summer to do it. I will try and write back or call his father to let him know I would be overjoyed to help. I am very familiar with the engine and have a service manual for that truck.

Well, now it is time to get some supper started. I am still sticking to my healthy eating plan even though all this cooking for one is tough. Tonight, I am having cubed steak with gravy, steamed broccoli, and wild rice with herbs. Let’s go get it started. My stomach is grumbling. Good day.

Gutter balls suck but such is life……

Charlie has an autistic son who is a year older than me. He bowls religiously every week and has done so for years with great proficiency. Bowling has become ingrained into his vocabulary. He is obsessive about bowling and hates to bowl a gutter ball. When he gets upset or fucks up, he screams, “EVERYONE BOWLS A GUTTER BALL SOMETIMES!” If you are familiar with bowling, bowling a gutter ball is really fucking up and getting zero points. And now to my point……

My father just called me to check on me and see how I am doing.

“I worried about you last week.” He said. “Are you okay?”

“Well, everyone bowls a gutter ball sometimes.” I replied mimicking Charlie’s son.

My father burst out laughing on the phone. The tension was broken.

“You just have to keep on bowling and eventually you get a strike.” He said after his laughing had subsided.

My father loved the analogy and told me to keep on bowling away.

Capturing a moment…….

A read a certain blog that incites me and makes me want to revolt. It is also one of my favorite blogs and I have spent many long afternoons such as this one rereading the archives. It gives me great inspiration to write and express myself and my thoughts. This author of this blog is my version of a modern day Thoreau and I would someday like to emulate him.

I realized today that much of my life is like that of a trapped animal. I have very little free will or free thought. Because of my illness I am constantly watched and monitored. It is a frustrating experience to say the least. I feel trapped and stifled. I cannot express myself or be a free thinker. To do so would be a sign of mental illness in my caretaker’s eyes. I also have to go every two weeks to get a very painful injection into my posterior.

A moment ago I had a moment of lucidity. I weighed the options of just a few short years of living freely and possibly chaotically versus a lifetime of dreary dullness and conformity. Could I be like John Nash, stop taking my medicines, and learn to cope with schizophrenia? He could not be creative or free on his medications.

Monday, April 4, 2005

Good food, good mind……

This shall be my new focus the next few weeks. I realized that in my busy new schedule of work and school my eating habits have deteriorated tremendously. I really think I was on the edge of malnutrition. I started eating microwavable meals and canned food because it was so easy to prepare and I was tired from my schedule. I would just open a package or can, pour it into a bowl, and heat it up in the microwave. This food is filled with fats, preservatives, and sodium. Not good stuff and I still firmly believe that through a better diet I can gain better mental health.

I had also forgotten how expensive convenience and pre-prepared foods are. Today was my $85 dollar a week payday and I went and bought groceries. I bought a ton of healthy groceries for $45 bucks and some change. I bought lots of fruits and fresh/frozen vegetables. I also bought some healthy cuts of meat that I shall bake or broil.

For supper tonight I had lemon and pepper baked chicken, field peas and snaps, a fresh pan of low fat buttermilk cornbread and a banana. For breakfast tomorrow I will have a bowl of high fiber muesli and low fat milk and a piece of fruit. I am going to try and stay away from high fat breakfast foods such as biscuits, bacon, and eggs. Cereal is just so damned expensive though and eggs are just .50 cents a carton.

I am also going to endeavor to get back on a healthy exercise regimen. As soon as my foot heals I will get back to hiking and riding my mountain bike on country trails. This is not hard for me to maintain luckily and something I immensely enjoy. I shall make the time to get back on track with this. My health must come first with school and work second. Without my mental health I will not be able to do either.

Sunday, April 3, 2005

A beautiful spring day……..

Today was beautiful and much needed. The temperatures were in the mid-seventies. The trees are almost leafed out and filled with bright green new growth. Azaleas and dogwoods are blooming everywhere and pockmark the forests and front yards in white, red, and pink adorned glory. The essence of summer is in the air.

Today, I, my father, Charlie, Charlie’s son and his daughter met my brother and law Doug over at the pond and grilled out hamburgers. Charlie’s granddaughter was busy catching tadpoles on the edge of the pond and I helped. It brought back fond memories of my own same activities from past springs at this very pond during my childhood. She insisted on bringing the tadpoles home in a solo cup but I stealthily released them in a nearby creek to live another day after she had left for home. They surely would have died in that little solo cup given time.

After arriving home from the pond, I and Charlie spent time moving more loads of furniture from his old house to mine. It was quite an arduous experience and my right foot is still aching horribly. I put on a bold face and did my best to help this man whom has helped me so much. He paid me $7 dollars for helping and I went to eat on it tonight and got Chinese takeout. It was General Tso’s chicken and tasted fair. We really do not have any good Chinese takeout places to speak of around here. It was much better than fast food though and the portions are over generous for the amount paid. I still have another meal I can eat on it tomorrow.

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An interesting and embarrassing experience……

One thing I sure will not garner much of is friends or potential mates with this blog with my honest postings shall I? Who wants to be friends or date a person that is in my condition? It is okay though and I can laugh about it and see it a humorous light. I would do the same and those are not the intentions of this blog. This blog is just a daily journal and a way for me to compose my thoughts and for me to write creatively. It helps me immensely to just get my thoughts down. Maybe, I do need to do it in a much less public manner though.

Well, despite my mother’s schizophrenia and the similar hard times she experiences, she is a drill sergeant when it comes to scheduling appointments and taking medicines. She has the mind of an elephant and doesn’t forget such things.

My father has put her in charge of my medicine regiment. I am on a new cocktail of different drugs and they are in pill form on top of my risperdal injection. I am to check in with mother twice a day so she can dole out my medicines and for them, my parents, to make sure I am taking them. It is not that I do not like taking my medicines, I just forget and am horrible at keeping up with what I have taken and when.

A beautiful spring day……..

Today was beautiful and much needed. The temperatures were in the mid-seventies. The trees are almost leafed out and filled with bright green new growth. Azaleas and dogwoods are blooming everywhere and pockmark the forests and front yards in white, red, and pink adorned glory. The essence of summer is in the air.

Today, I, my father, Charlie, Charlie’s son and his daughter met my brother and law Doug over at the pond and grilled out hamburgers. Charlie’s granddaughter was busy catching tadpoles on the edge of the pond and I helped. It brought back fond memories of my own same activities from past springs at this very pond during my childhood. She insisted on bringing the tadpoles home in a solo cup but I stealthily released them in a nearby creek to live another day after she had left for home. They surely would have died in that little solo cup given time.

After arriving home from the pond, I and Charlie spent time moving more loads of furniture from his old house to mine. It was quite an arduous experience and my right foot is still aching horribly. I put on a bold face and did my best to help this man whom has helped me so much. He paid me $7 dollars for helping and I went to eat on it tonight and got Chinese takeout. It was General Tso’s chicken and tasted fair. We really do not have any good Chinese takeout places to speak of around here. It was much better than fast food though and the portions are over generous for the amount paid. I still have another meal I can eat on it tomorrow.

---------------------------


An interesting and embarrassing experience……

One thing I sure will not garner much of is friends or potential mates with this blog with my honest postings shall I? Who wants to be friends or date a person that is in my condition? It is okay though and I can laugh about it and see it a humorous light. I would do the same and those are not the intentions of this blog. This blog is just a daily journal and a way for me to compose my thoughts and for me to write creatively. It helps me immensely to just get my thoughts down. Maybe, I do need to do it in a much less public manner though.

Well, despite my mother’s schizophrenia and the similar hard times she experiences, she is a drill sergeant when it comes to scheduling appointments and taking medicines. She has the mind of an elephant and doesn’t forget such things.

My father has put her in charge of my medicine regiment. I am on a new cocktail of different drugs and they are in pill form on top of my risperdal injection. I am to check in with mother twice a day so she can dole out my medicines and for them, my parents, to make sure I am taking them. It is not that I do not like taking my medicines, I just forget and am horrible at keeping up with what I have taken and when.

A beautiful spring day……..

Today was beautiful and much needed. The temperatures were in the mid-seventies. The trees are almost leafed out and filled with bright green new growth. Azaleas and dogwoods are blooming everywhere and pockmark the forests and front yards in white, red, and pink adorned glory. The essence of summer is in the air.

Today, I, my father, Charlie, Charlie’s son and his daughter met my brother and law Doug over at the pond and grilled out hamburgers. Charlie’s granddaughter was busy catching tadpoles on the edge of the pond and I helped. It brought back fond memories of my own same activities from past springs at this very pond during my childhood. She insisted on bringing the tadpoles home in a solo cup but I stealthily released them in a nearby creek to live another day after she had left for home. They surely would have died in that little solo cup given time.

After arriving home from the pond, I and Charlie spent time moving more loads of furniture from his old house to mine. It was quite an arduous experience and my right foot is still aching horribly. I put on a bold face and did my best to help this man whom has helped me so much. He paid me $7 dollars for helping and I went to eat on it tonight and got Chinese takeout. It was General Tso’s chicken and tasted fair. We really do not have any good Chinese takeout places to speak of around here. It was much better than fast food though and the portions are over generous for the amount paid. I still have another meal I can eat on it tomorrow.

---------------------------


An interesting and embarrassing experience……

One thing I sure will not garner much of is friends or potential mates with this blog with my honest postings shall I? Who wants to be friends or date a person that is in my condition? It is okay though and I can laugh about it and see it a humorous light. I would do the same and those are not the intentions of this blog. This blog is just a daily journal and a way for me to compose my thoughts and for me to write creatively. It helps me immensely to just get my thoughts down. Maybe, I do need to do it in a much less public manner though.

Well, despite my mother’s schizophrenia and the similar hard times she experiences, she is a drill sergeant when it comes to scheduling appointments and taking medicines. She has the mind of an elephant and doesn’t forget such things.

My father has put her in charge of my medicine regiment. I am on a new cocktail of different drugs and they are in pill form on top of my risperdal injection. I am to check in with mother twice a day so she can dole out my medicines and for them, my parents, to make sure I am taking them. It is not that I do not like taking my medicines, I just forget and am horrible at keeping up with what I have taken and when.

A beautiful spring day……..

Today was beautiful and much needed. The temperatures were in the mid-seventies. The trees are almost leafed out and filled with bright green new growth. Azaleas and dogwoods are blooming everywhere and pockmark the forests and front yards in white, red, and pink adorned glory. The essence of summer is in the air.

Today, I, my father, Charlie, Charlie’s son and his daughter met my brother and law Doug over at the pond and grilled out hamburgers. Charlie’s granddaughter was busy catching tadpoles on the edge of the pond and I helped. It brought back fond memories of my own same activities from past springs at this very pond during my childhood. She insisted on bringing the tadpoles home in a solo cup but I stealthily released them in a nearby creek to live another day after she had left for home. They surely would have died in that little solo cup given time.

After arriving home from the pond, I and Charlie spent time moving more loads of furniture from his old house to mine. It was quite an arduous experience and my right foot is still aching horribly. I put on a bold face and did my best to help this man whom has helped me so much. He paid me $7 dollars for helping and I went to eat on it tonight and got Chinese takeout. It was General Tso’s chicken and tasted fair. We really do not have any good Chinese takeout places to speak of around here. It was much better than fast food though and the portions are over generous for the amount paid. I still have another meal I can eat on it tomorrow.

---------------------------


An interesting and embarrassing experience……

One thing I sure will not garner much of is friends or potential mates with this blog with my honest postings shall I? Who wants to be friends or date a person that is in my condition? It is okay though and I can laugh about it and see it a humorous light. I would do the same and those are not the intentions of this blog. This blog is just a daily journal and a way for me to compose my thoughts and for me to write creatively. It helps me immensely to just get my thoughts down. Maybe, I do need to do it in a much less public manner though.

Well, despite my mother’s schizophrenia and the similar hard times she experiences, she is a drill sergeant when it comes to scheduling appointments and taking medicines. She has the mind of an elephant and doesn’t forget such things.

My father has put her in charge of my medicine regiment. I am on a new cocktail of different drugs and they are in pill form on top of my risperdal injection. I am to check in with mother twice a day so she can dole out my medicines and for them, my parents, to make sure I am taking them. It is not that I do not like taking my medicines, I just forget and am horrible at keeping up with what I have taken and when.

A beautiful spring day……..

Today was beautiful and much needed. The temperatures were in the mid-seventies. The trees are almost leafed out and filled with bright green new growth. Azaleas and dogwoods are blooming everywhere and pockmark the forests and front yards in white, red, and pink adorned glory. The essence of summer is in the air.

Today, I, my father, Charlie, Charlie’s son and his daughter met my brother and law Doug over at the pond and grilled out hamburgers. Charlie’s granddaughter was busy catching tadpoles on the edge of the pond and I helped. It brought back fond memories of my own same activities from past springs at this very pond during my childhood. She insisted on bringing the tadpoles home in a solo cup but I stealthily released them in a nearby creek to live another day after she had left for home. They surely would have died in that little solo cup given time.

After arriving home from the pond, I and Charlie spent time moving more loads of furniture from his old house to mine. It was quite an arduous experience and my right foot is still aching horribly. I put on a bold face and did my best to help this man whom has helped me so much. He paid me $7 dollars for helping and I went to eat on it tonight and got Chinese takeout. It was General Tso’s chicken and tasted fair. We really do not have any good Chinese takeout places to speak of around here. It was much better than fast food though and the portions are over generous for the amount paid. I still have another meal I can eat on it tomorrow.

---------------------------


An interesting and embarrassing experience……

One thing I sure will not garner much of is friends or potential mates with this blog with my honest postings shall I? Who wants to be friends or date a person that is in my condition? It is okay though and I can laugh about it and see it a humorous light. I would do the same and those are not the intentions of this blog. This blog is just a daily journal and a way for me to compose my thoughts and for me to write creatively. It helps me immensely to just get my thoughts down. Maybe, I do need to do it in a much less public manner though.

Well, despite my mother’s schizophrenia and the similar hard times she experiences, she is a drill sergeant when it comes to scheduling appointments and taking medicines. She has the mind of an elephant and doesn’t forget such things.

My father has put her in charge of my medicine regiment. I am on a new cocktail of different drugs and they are in pill form on top of my risperdal injection. I am to check in with mother twice a day so she can dole out my medicines and for them, my parents, to make sure I am taking them. It is not that I do not like taking my medicines, I just forget and am horrible at keeping up with what I have taken and when.

A beautiful spring day……..

Today was beautiful and much needed. The temperatures were in the mid-seventies. The trees are almost leafed out and filled with bright green new growth. Azaleas and dogwoods are blooming everywhere and pockmark the forests and front yards in white, red, and pink adorned glory. The essence of summer is in the air.

Today, I, my father, Charlie, Charlie’s son and his daughter met my brother and law Doug over at the pond and grilled out hamburgers. Charlie’s granddaughter was busy catching tadpoles on the edge of the pond and I helped. It brought back fond memories of my own same activities from past springs at this very pond during my childhood. She insisted on bringing the tadpoles home in a solo cup but I stealthily released them in a nearby creek to live another day after she had left for home. They surely would have died in that little solo cup given time.

After arriving home from the pond, I and Charlie spent time moving more loads of furniture from his old house to mine. It was quite an arduous experience and my right foot is still aching horribly. I put on a bold face and did my best to help this man whom has helped me so much. He paid me $7 dollars for helping and I went to eat on it tonight and got Chinese takeout. It was General Tso’s chicken and tasted fair. We really do not have any good Chinese takeout places to speak of around here. It was much better than fast food though and the portions are over generous for the amount paid. I still have another meal I can eat on it tomorrow.

---------------------------


An interesting and embarrassing experience……

One thing I sure will not garner much of is friends or potential mates with this blog with my honest postings shall I? Who wants to be friends or date a person that is in my condition? It is okay though and I can laugh about it and see it a humorous light. I would do the same and those are not the intentions of this blog. This blog is just a daily journal and a way for me to compose my thoughts and for me to write creatively. It helps me immensely to just get my thoughts down. Maybe, I do need to do it in a much less public manner though.

Well, despite my mother’s schizophrenia and the similar hard times she experiences, she is a drill sergeant when it comes to scheduling appointments and taking medicines. She has the mind of an elephant and doesn’t forget such things.

My father has put her in charge of my medicine regiment. I am on a new cocktail of different drugs and they are in pill form on top of my risperdal injection. I am to check in with mother twice a day so she can dole out my medicines and for them, my parents, to make sure I am taking them. It is not that I do not like taking my medicines, I just forget and am horrible at keeping up with what I have taken and when.

Regaining normalcy…….

I feel a hundred percent better today. The delusions and hallucinations have gone away for the most part. Yesterday, I just finally broke down and called my parents. I hate to get them worried and worry that I will destroy any of the trust I have built up over this past year.

“Help!” I said.

“What’s wrong?” They asked very concerned.

“Something’s not right and I am having a major relapse.” I replied while sobbing uncontrollably on the phone.

I really was scared shitless that I was going to start relieving the hell that was my life a year ago.

Mom came and picked me as I was not fit to drive. Dad went and got some lunch from Rodger’s barbeque then made me take two Zyprexa, a depakote, and gave me a shot that was some kind of sedative my brother called in. I went downstairs into my old room at my parent’s house and slept until this morning. I probably slept for sixteen hours.

Today kind of feels like a rebirth. Like the fabled phoenix reborn from the ashes. I feel that much better. I have learned that hard way that when things get tough to immediate as for help. Nip it in the bud before things really do get bad.

I spent the whole morning cleaning house, mopping floors, and doing all my laundry. I kinda of trying to put my life back in order after a week of confusion. I also managed to get my term paper for psychology finished.

Friday, April 1, 2005

Rambling about medical issues……

It is well known that the prominent drugs for schizophrenia such as Risperdal and Zyprexa may cause diabetes. There have been numerous lawsuits over this issue. I had to sign a waiver for my doctor to prescribe it to me. A friend emailed me today over this issue and it raised some interesting thoughts.

I have persistent pain in my right leg and my ankle and foot is swollen. Maybe this is circulation problems due to the early onset of diabetes. Maybe I need to quit speculating and get to the doctor. I hate going to the doctor though. I find that the majority of them are not very proficient at diagnosing problems despite all their years of training. Maybe I need to call my brother and sister and ask for their advice. Alex was very concerned the other night when my father called him about this. He thought it was a blood clot. I just do not need any bad news and am hiding from reality. This whole issue scares the hell out of me and maybe it will prompt me into action.

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Thoughts on Schiavo and assisted suicide……….

I thought the way Terry Schiavo had to die was barbaric. I read the reflections of the doctors that said she felt no pain. But still, dying of starvation is not the way to go. We have the technology and medical knowledge to give someone in this condition a humane way to die if they so wish.

I once planned my own suicide in great detail. I worked in a lab at Auburn University as a research technician in the forestry department. We had many cylinders of different gases in the lab. I learned via the internet that carbon dioxide caused a gag reflex and that gases like nitrogen did not. One day when I was at the end of my rope, I filled a trash bag with nitrogen and slipped it over my head. I fell unconscious almost immediately. My falling on the floor out of the chair knocked the bag off my head and I regained consciousness. If it would have worked it would have been a painless way to die with dignity other than falling out of the chair.

I just feel that people should have the option to die with dignity if they feel that the usefulness of their lives is over. I do not know of Mrs. Schiavo’s wishes and that could be debated endlessly on this blog. I think I did read that in Switzerland you have state sanctioned assisted suicide. I applaud them in their efforts.